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boontje posted 8/22/2013 00:39 AM

It's amazing how the gut, intuition, or whatever you want to call it, leads you to where you need to be. Something just didn't feel right. I was triggering today, big time, and I couldn't figure out why. So, when he went out on his run, I did some checking around, and there it was. Proof of another betrayal. He claims it was a "slip" back in May, but why should I believe a word be says? Another dday for me. Read my pathetic story for the sickening details. I confronted him straight away when he came back, and of course, denial. I stood firm. Started packing my crap. I just wanted out. Away from him. Away from the hurt he cannot seem to stop inflicting on me. Instead, I changed my mind. Gave him the journal I have been keeping for the past two years. Told him to read every single toxic, sickening word of it, then I would be ready to talk. Maybe. Asked him to give me one good reason to stay. He couldn't. Told him to sleep in the guest room and to stay the fuck away from me. I honestly don't know what the hell I am going to do. Last week at my IC, I talked at length about how I had finally, finally, finally come to a place of acceptance, that yes, this is my life, he did do this, he did this to me, to us. This morning while out on errands, I stopped at Barnes and Noble to buy the book "How Can I Forgive You?" it was out of stock...omen perhaps? And now this...back to square one...AGAIN.

And in the midst of all this, we are neck deep in a major remodel of our house, things are a mess . DD is getting ready to start her senior year. Thanks selfish ass for doing this to us AGAIN.

I don't know that I can do this.

JanaGreen posted 8/22/2013 01:04 AM

I am so sorry. I just read your story and I can imagine that it is impossible to believe a word out of his mouth at this point.

I don't have anything wise to give. Just sympathy.

Nature_Girl posted 8/22/2013 01:23 AM

I'm so sorry. I wish things were different for you. (((HUGS)))

Holly-Isis posted 8/22/2013 07:16 AM

A slip? A SLIP?

WTH.

Did he do any work after your first d-day? Examine himself and his issues? Work on learning how to build boundaries? How to communicate with you?

If he doesn't and he won't then even if you can get to a place of forgiveness, you can't get to a place of trust and safety because in his mind its just a slip.

nekorb posted 8/22/2013 07:27 AM

((HUGS))

Tred posted 8/22/2013 07:35 AM

I agree, a slip? Like, sorry I slipped while holding this chef knife and drove it into your back again?

confused615 posted 8/22/2013 07:41 AM

It wasn't a slip. It was deliberate and cruel.

(((((boontje)))))


You don't have to do *anything* right now. Just BE.

HFSSC posted 8/22/2013 07:41 AM

Oh, oh... OMG

I am at a loss. I am heartbroken and devastated for you. When I saw the thread title, there were a list of people who went through my head, thinking "Please don't let it be ..." and you were at the top of the list.

I know that you are strong, and will survive whatever comes. And I believe that when the path to take is clear, then you will have peace and will know that it's right.

I am so, so, so very sorry.

forgivingnow posted 8/22/2013 08:14 AM

(((boontje)))Just wanted to share I know how it feels like you are starting all over again when you thought things were going good. I'm sorry. Is he in IC ?
Hang in there. I know how much it hurts.

RippedSoul posted 8/22/2013 09:52 AM

I'm not far enough out to know if my story will follow yours. Of course, sadly, I hope it won't. But your course is the one I fear. The A was bad enough (EA/PA), but the escorts and prostitute? Ugh. So, so, so dirty and toxic. Every business trip leaves me worthless. I accomplish NOTHING when he's gone because I'm in such agony--even 7 months out. Because he's human and no matter what he WANTS to do, he's an addict and hasn't gotten to a place, yet, where I feel he's strong enough to resist when he's in the wrong frame of mind.

So I "get" it. Not like you do, but I get it. And I am so sorry. I'm sorry you hurt so horribly. Hugs.

boontje posted 8/22/2013 11:29 AM

Thanks for the support. As usual SI friends are here for me. So he read my journal last night as he stayed in the guest room, and came to me this morning and admitted he is SA. So here I am, two years from dday 1 and finally an answer that helps me make some sort of sense. I asked him what HE is going to do for himself because right now I am focusing on ME. He says he is going to find therapist for SA. Honestly, I am beyond sick right now, and I can only focus on myself and getting through the day. If there has been one thing I have learned over the last two years, it is that I can only heal myself. The rest is up to him. Hope this makes sense. Thanks for the kind words and support.

B

1Faith posted 8/22/2013 12:29 PM

Oh Boontje

I am sorry. I did read your story and it makes me so sad for you and angry at him.

admitted he is SA. So here I am, two years from dday 1 and finally an answer that helps me make some sort of sense

I am not qualified to say that he is or isn't. But neither is he. Could he be telling you what you want to hear to minimize HIS actions, his choices?

All I suggest is tread lightly. Regardless if he is a SA or not, he still continually chose to make horrid choices that hurt you and your family immensely.

He claims it was a "slip" back in May

Someone else mentioned this on another post. No, it is NOT a slip up. It is a conscious choice to lie, betray and hurt your spouse.

A slip up is stepping on someone's toe or having an extra piece of cake. It is not intentionally seeking other woman and hooking up. No way.

The job of forgiveness is for you to set yourself free.

You can't forgive someone who is not remorseful. VERY different the regretful.

He has not demonstrated that he even wants your true forgiveness. He wants his cake and eat it too. Close the bakery.

True remorse is NEVER allowing yourself to head down the infidelity path again because you are acutely aware of the pain, heartache and suffering it has caused.

File for D. You don't have to go through with it but convey you mean business. How many Ddays can you have before this ends? He hasn't change because he doesn't want to. (((sorry)))

Be an example to your daughter that she is more than an option. Be strong.

This stops when you say it stops. You have the power to end it.

Big hugs and lots of prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:32 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 8/22/2013 13:04 PM

(((boontje)))

Good god these WS's (including mine) that do this shit make me want to go out on a vigilante rampage.

They are sick and I am very sorry you are in this situation. I am coming to my own conclusion that my WH is a sex addict as well, but sprinkle in a few personality disorders on top of that and viola!

Damn it! I am mad today for you and everyone who feels this way.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:05 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

silverhopes posted 8/22/2013 13:24 PM

I agree, a slip? Like, sorry I slipped while holding this chef knife and drove it into your back again?

This. I'm so sorry, boontje.

So he read my journal last night as he stayed in the guest room, and came to me this morning and admitted he is SA. So here I am, two years from dday 1 and finally an answer that helps me make some sort of sense. I asked him what HE is going to do for himself because right now I am focusing on ME. He says he is going to find therapist for SA.

I think you said the right thing to him, that this is something he needs to take responsibility for, while you take care of yourself. Please watch his actions. He really, really does need to take responsibility for his choices, SA or not. He could start by owning that it wasn't a "slip", it was a choice. Getting into therapy is another good first step for him. Sending you strength, boontje.

forgivingnow posted 8/22/2013 13:41 PM

(((boobtje)))
I also think you said the right thing to him. You may not feel it but those words came from an incredibly strong woman.
At 28 months from my initial dday my husband finally admitted the whole truth, said it was all about him and him being broken, not our marriage and he owned this & started IC.
If your husband is ready to start working on him, there is hope boontje. Maybe this is his rock bottom. Hugs & strength to you.

nowiknow23 posted 8/22/2013 13:41 PM

Boontje - I am just sick on your behalf. I hope you will do exactly what you said - focus on you. He either will or won't do what he needs to do, but either way, you need to be ok.

(((((hugs)))))

forgivingnow posted 8/22/2013 13:42 PM

omg, sorry i misspelled your name

StillStanding1 posted 8/22/2013 13:53 PM

So sorry....(((((boontje)))))

I just don't know how human beings are capable of hurting others so much...

My heart aches for you.

But I read fire and strength in your words. Hang onto those. Be good to yourself. You are stronger than you know!

(((and strength)))

boontje posted 8/22/2013 15:28 PM

Let there be no doubt, I am well aware that this latest incident was not "just a slip". Those were his words. I know it was a conscious choice on his part to indulge himself, once again. So thanks 1faith and others who pointed that out. I really do appreciate your concern that he is trying to minimize what he has done. He is feeling a tremendous amount of shame right now, but that doesn't remotely compare to the horror I am going through right now.

Forgivingnow....I chuckled at your typo of my name

forgivingnow posted 8/23/2013 08:37 AM

Glad to make you laugh
How are you today?

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