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WH therapist advising against MC for now???

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ohiocarrie535 posted 8/22/2013 07:22 AM

We are both in IC. WH had his first IC with new therapist. Therapist said WH has major FOO issues to deal with before he's ready for MC. My WH is frustrated by this, and frankly so am I. Has anyone else had this happen? What do you guys think? Also, I lost it yesterday and hit him. I knew this anger was building, and I'm so ashamed. I see my IC next week. I need a healthy way to get all this anger out....

Knowing posted 8/22/2013 08:03 AM

As for his therapist saying MC is not a good idea right now, only you can decide if that's true. MC is to help you develop better communication and coping strategies for your M. By your own account you are continuing to do more damage by staying together now without the help MC can provide.

MC is not a magic wand, nor a one-sided venting session. It works really well if you can go at it with some objectivity that is usually acquired through IC. Don't expect MC to be a miracle cure for your M. Ask for communication and relationship building exercises to do at home if your MC doesn't suggest them.

Hitting in anger is not the solution. I hope it's an isolated incident. Beat the bed with a tennis racket instead, or with a baseball bat. Or better yet go out into the woods and beat a tree, they can take it. Or take up boxing or some other form of exercise.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/22/2013 08:17 AM

I'm not as big of a fan of couseling as most here. I think it can be beneficial to some, but far more important is the motivations and daily actions you and your H have or do.

If saving your M is extremely important to both of you, my suggestion would be to ditch the IC and go with an MC that would also do some digging to find out "why" he went down that road, and look for ways to prevent it from happening again, at the same time as giving you both tips to rebuild your M, and cope with what happened (the A).

As for me, my H had as many FOO issues and other mental issues as anybody else, that helped lead down the path to what happened. We have talked about it ourselves, and I believe he has learned ways to avoid falling into anything like that again. But with or without counseling (he did neither IC nor did we do MC) I know only know one thing... I can only control myself. If he should ever cheat again, I would divorce him at record speed. He knows this but it would not really matter whether he knows it or not; I still know what I would do and no amount of begging or pleading would change my mind. We all say we never know what we will do until we are in a situation. Well, I am 54 and I do know when I get to certain points, yes I do what I say I will. I warned my XH what I would do if he cheated again, and when that day came, I filed for a D two days later and never looked back. It would have been even sooner than that if I could have gotten the appointment with the lawyer sooner.

ladies_first posted 8/22/2013 08:21 AM

Therapist said WH has major FOO issues to deal with before he's ready for MC.

Can you picture a clear, open highway?

Well FOO issues are like road hazards: giant hidden sinkholes, fallen redwood trees, road spikes, leaping deer, and black ice.

Until he "clears the way" marriage counseling will be crashing off stuff you can't even SEE and you'll feel like you're in a sinkhole, alone.

Let him clear the way a bit.

Then you two can take a journey together on a safer road.

ohiocarrie535 posted 8/22/2013 10:49 AM

I've hit him before. Twice when I discovered he had contacted OW and tried to hide it from me. I've already called my IC and left a message to contact me. I'm commited to NOT doing this again. But I'm wise enough to know I need tools and coping skills to do that.

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