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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: Just received a call from my wife
noglamour
♂ 40380
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 weeks from dday.

I just received a phone call from my wife. She was yelling and saying how much she hates me, wants nothing to do with me.

I pretty much told her you have every right to hate me and yell at me. What can I do to help? NOTHING!!

I love her so much.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing you can do right now is get to work on you. Get into IC and start reading some of the books that are recommended here in the healing library on the left in the yellow box.

Fixing you is the best gift to yourself and your children and possibly your W if she ever lets you.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
jrr111800
♂ 39919
Member # 39919
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strap in my friend, itís just the beginning. You did the right thing and stayed clam, said the right thing. Do something out of the ordinary today that shows her you love her. Stay in constant contact as much as possible with throughout the day. I write love notes with a dry erase on our bathroom mirror before I leave for work. When you are home and around give her all your attention, hug her(if she lets you) tell her how sorry you are, tell her you WILL work as hard as possible to become the man SHE deserves then show her by your actions. I am not say those calls wonít come again, they will. Just be as loving as possible and do whatever you can to stay as calm as possible. As men, we have a hard time not being able control the situation and get angry because we canít fix it right away. This approach my friend DOES NOT work. Stay steady in your remorse and work hard showing love. Hopefully, with grace she will get better. Best of luck.


Me-WH-38
BS-40
Married 13yrs
DD July 13,2013
6 month EA 2-ONS


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phx
noglamour
♂ 40380
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been to 2 sessions and have a 3rd session scheduled for next week.
I bought and read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair."

I will read the healing library.

She does not want me in the house and I'm living at our business.
She doesn't want me to apologize or tell her I'm sorry or that i love her. Do it anyways?


Thank you, I have been staying calm and letting her take it out on me.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
StrongerOne
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For myself, I would want to hear from you with sincere, detailed apologies, nice notes like JRR suggests. Mail them, text them, email... Mail is nice because it is a physical piece of paper or card.

Apologies: just "I'm sorry" will sound weak. Is weak. Be specific. For example: I'm sorry I disrespected you by bringing OW to our house.

Have you told her the whole truth yet? Have you given her a timeline?

ETA, I'm the BS. We would have gotten to R a lot faster if my H had gotten to sincere apologies and telling the whole truth sooner. We did come close to splitting for good...

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 12:13 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Sep 2012
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saying you are sorry and truly asking for forgiveness are two very different things.

Sorry = conveys you regret the incident issue but don't really take ownership of the place the other person is in.

Simply put we, as a society say we are sorry all the time. Sorry I stepped on your foot, sorry I forgot to take out the trash, sorry your team lost. It is a gesture but freely given.

To ask for forgiveness is acknowledging that you own the actions of the hurt. Please forgive me for putting you and our life in such a horrible place. I beg of your forgiveness that I have hurt my beautiful wife beyond words by my selfish actions and behavior.

Huge difference.

Now, you are 3 weeks out so please be aware that she is most likely no where near being able to forgive you. You will have to accept this if you truly want to make things work.

Healing takes TIME. TIME - it is an ugly four letter word but it is so true. 2 to 5 years on average to truly heal from an affair.

If you love her buckle up. You placed her on the emotional rollercoaster from hell and you are going to have to go along for the ride if you hope to save your marriage.

Get her into IC, get yourself into IC and be present. You have to earn her trust back through your actions.

I pretty much told her you have every right to hate me and yell at me.

She knows this. She's acutely aware of this. Don't grant her permission as it will likely just make her more angry.

A great place for you to start is by reading:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
by Linda J. MacDonald

It is a quick read and will provide you will a ton of insight on what your wife is going through.

Good luck. Prayers your way.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. Just saw your post where you stated you bought the book. Good job. One step at a time.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Audrina
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry noglamour.

She is going through a lot of emotions right now especially DDAY being only 3 weeks away.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
noglamour
♂ 40380
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the great advice. I'm going to read the book over again.

I have told her the whole truth, I lied at first then started to tell her everything.

She said she would never forgive, should I continue ask forgiveness?

Since she does not want me living in the house, I will be renting my own place close by soon. I'm not sure how involved I should be when she keeps telling me she hates me and does not want my help.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acknowledge her requests.

Simply tell her that you don't want to move out but you respect her wishes and will do so.

You hope that through time and your consistent actions that you can prove to her that you are truly remorseful for the selfish behavior you brought into your lives.

Relay that you beg for her forgiveness but understand that she is no where near being able to consider it at this time.

Explain to her that you want nothing more in the world to see her smile again.

Just take it slow. You didn't break your marriage over night and you can't fix it overnight.

Time and true commitment may break down the walls that your wife has built due to the hurt you have inflicted upon her.

Be patient and kind. Pray for healing for your wife and for yourself.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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