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When are you no longer considered IN R?

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HopefullyLost09 posted 8/22/2013 08:50 AM

Is there ever a point where reconciliation has been successful and you can say you are completely reconciled? Does it work like that? I mean I know a relationship is always a work in progress but when reconciling from an A How do you know you are completely reconciled? I see some say they've been'in R for 4 years' or however many. So I'm just wondering, at what point can you say we are no longer 'in R' we ARE reconciled. .. ? Does that make sense? Lol. I know triggers can happen even 10 plus years down the road but that doesn't mean you aren't reconciled right?

Bobbi_sue posted 8/22/2013 09:07 AM

I don't think I was ever "in R." For me, life is far more simplistic.

I made the descions fairly early on after D-day, that if no new information came to light, based on his extreme remorse and our love for each other, that I was going to stay with him.

This does not mean I did not have any more periods of anger or sadness. It means that we were fully married, doing things married people do: being intimate, sleeping together, working and playing together, laughing and crying (and sometimes arguing) and making plans for our future together. To me, that is fully R'ed. I was not "in R."

And now, 7 years later we are closer than ever. But this does not change the fact that when infidelity occurs it changes your life forever. It is never going to be "as if" it did not happen. I'm probably at one extreme definition of R while many others are at an opposite extreme, and seem to think a day is supposed to come when you forget the A ever happened, and life will be as if it never happened.

My life is a journey with a series of good and bad events, filled with triumph and trauma. It all makes me who I am today, and it will never be "as if" it never happened. I would not even be writing on this forum if it was "as if" it never happened.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:10 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

sportsfan posted 8/22/2013 09:11 AM

Online dictionary reads: "Reconciliation; To bring (oneself) to accept".

In my case this fits. I dealt with what happened, accept it now and am past it although I know triggers will occur.

Successful Recon means to me that should my M end it won't be b/c of the A.

I liken my successful Recon to this; when at one point the A filled my home, every room ... now it has been reduced to living in a closet or even a drawer in a room that I rarely enter.

I don't hold the A over my W's head anymore.

There is joy in our M again.

We are in a good place - to me that means we've Reconciled.

TXBW68 posted 8/22/2013 12:03 PM

I don't really consider us IN R anymore. To me, we are reconciled. But he says that he still thinks of us as IN to give himself motivation to keep up the good work he's done on himself and us. Basically, he doesn't want to get too complacent with our relationship again and start taking me for granted again.

I'm like Bobbi_sue. I no longer wonder IF we are really together. I know that we ARE together as a couple, doing couple things, sharing our lives, planning our future together.

Because of that feeling, I was finally able to say "I forgive you". He was stunned and squeezed me tight. It was a good feeling to close that chapter and start focusing on the future again.

Like Bobbi_sue said, that doesn't mean I don't have triggers, anger or sadness sometimes. It just means that we work thru those emotions together as a team and move on.

Audrina posted 8/22/2013 12:18 PM

I don't think you can ever be "completely reconciled".

There will always be that possibility that the wayward "might" cheat on you again. No matter how things are great, you are taking a risk.

I don't know if I am explaining things right.

I am very happy in my relationship, things are terrific.

At the same time, I will have my eyes open and verify once in a while....for the rest of my life, I believe.

Is that really successful reconciliation if I have to do that. I don't think so.

[This message edited by Audrina at 12:22 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 8/22/2013 12:32 PM

I think the crossover in to adding the ED at the end of reconcile/recover is slow, and not necissarily noticed when it happens.
For us I knew we were about done, when we were pretty dang happy, the A didn't consume me anymore, and I was able to forgive him.
I do think that you do become reconciled. To say it's not possible is hope crushing. Could it happen again? I guess, although I doubt it. Could I be drawn to cheat? NO, but never say never. But to say you haven't recovered because of the could a's that exist kind of makes one live their life in fear of what next.
In that aspect I was healed and recovered, when I was healthy, and strong, and knew in my heart that if it did happen again, it wouldn't kill me. I would be fine. I am strong, and capable, and I certainly would NEVER tolerate the level of crap and abuse that occured when during the A.

The culmination of those things took about 2 years for me to get to. Probably a shorter time than most folks, but I was fortunate in the fact that my H was out of work for the first 9 months of R, and was able to focus on himself, and heal his brokenness, without which R would not have been possible.

Does that make sense?

strongerdaybyday posted 8/22/2013 12:37 PM

I'm going to quote what the best answers were (for how I feel about R right now)

But he says that he still thinks of us as IN to give himself motivation to keep up the good work he's done on himself and us. Basically, he doesn't want to get too complacent with our relationship again and start taking me for granted again.

The above is how both him and I feel...we took each other for granted, and started pushing each other away and we don't want to do that again.

that doesn't mean I don't have triggers, anger or sadness sometimes. It just means that we work thru those emotions together as a team and move on.

BUT

At the same time, I will have my eyes open and verify once in a while....for the rest of my life, I believe.

I used to be that woman who would say, "my H would never cheat on me, I truly believe that." So the fact that I put so much trust in him, believing he would rather leave then hurt me like that his betrayal was like a punch in the stomach.

And I know my Dday was fairly recent compared to those that have been in R for awhile - but this is how we feel right now.


[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 12:41 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

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