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Still looking for that reset button

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Stillhurt123 posted 8/22/2013 09:10 AM

Ok...this part is slighlty off topic (from my title), but...does anyone find themselves spinning all of a sudden...can't get the crap out of their mind, then come here, read a bit and want to post, but then...what do you post about? You want help, you want to connect with your fellow SIers but then can't formalize it all into a good question?

Anyway...I find about every 3 months I look for this magic reset button (I'm 20 months out from DDay)...I find I hold everything together for a good 3 months, then...start to argue a bit more with my FWH, or maybe some of life's stresses (or new life stresses) get to me....all of a sudden, the A crap is back in my head (tends to come out when things are not going well)and I use it when talking to FWH...and it brings it all back to the present...

At that point, I get negative, grumpy, etc. My FWH also gets grumpy but he goes into fix it mode...he starts going above and beyond to prove how much he loves me...so that's great. THEN I start looking high and low for this reset button...where is that button to erase all of this crap permanently...

Then I realize, there is no reset button...I just have to take one more step forward.

I just want to love my FWH with all my heart and never think about this A crap anymore. I really think we are past it...I accept it, he did it but regrets it and is trying to really make it up to me in every way. We really did the work (so much work) to get here.

My eyes are wide open, I will probably always look over my shoulder (check his phone, email, FB, etc)...and we're both ok with that.

We did MC/IC and now we need therapy for our son for unrelated reasons so we can't afford more IC/MC just now (maybe next year)...I'm so sick of reading books about A stuff, but maybe it's time to look more at relationship stuff? or ME stuff?

We've had vacations, reconnected emotionally bla bla bla...but this A crap is still here, in my head.

Maybe I'm just a drama queen and afraid to let go of the drama? I've spent so much time trying to fix him, the M, the kids....I really think the only person left to fix is ME. I'm at the stage now where I need to CHOOSE to be happy, day in, day out....

I know this is not a deal breaker, if he does it again, then YES, but I accepted this crap, I am ok to live with this.

But..for those who really are deep down happy couples again, at peace with all of this and really in love and unconditionally fully love their FWS....

What did you do day in, day out to find this peace (for you, not for the M)?

tired girl posted 8/22/2013 09:28 AM

I am in the same EXACT place.

Looking for the reboot button.

Is this a stage? I have thought about posting, but thought maybe it is just a stage I need to move past. Plus there is so much going on in our lives right now. Like you said, maybe when things are rough it is easy to look at A stuff.

bionicgal posted 8/22/2013 09:28 AM

I am nowhere near as far along as you, but I hope to be one day!

My guess is that there is still a little piece of acceptance missing. It sounds like it comes out under stress, which if you think of it is totally normal. When the body/mind is under stress it looks to protect itself from perceived dangers. Obviously the A was as huge, scary thing. So, your mind goes back there.

That is my guess. Maybe you could just try allow ing the feelings, and not resisting them. You could tell yourself, "it is my nature to remember past hurts when feeling stressed." Try to see the thoughts and feelings as they come in your mind, and think about just letting them pass without getting stuck on them.

So glad to hear that overall things are going well, though!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:29 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Stillhurt123 posted 8/22/2013 14:27 PM

tired girl - maybe it is a stage, or more like what bionicgal said?

My therapist did say that the A stuff is an actual traumatic experience...and she did try to help me find ways to get past, but maybe it wasn't as effective as I thought?

I guess when things are crappy, I do try to protect myself so that could be part of it...I guess if I can recognize it I might be able to move past it more quickly.

Everything takes time I guess.

starting to feel better already...thanks to both of you

pewpewpew posted 8/22/2013 16:40 PM

Ugh. Sign me up for the reset button as well...

I am 14 months out and now I truly believe year 2 is the worst.

I was finally getting somewhere - not quite sure where but it was getting easier. Then I hit my anniversary of dday. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I almost feel like I did at square one.

My gut was screaming about what I haven't decided.
Old memories? New ones? I haven't quite figured it out.

Stillhurt123 posted 8/23/2013 06:58 AM

pewpewpew - it is all really tough, isn't it?

There are some pretty big things going on in my life and in my opinion more important than my FWH A. So I find I flip flop between...telling myself - get over it already, this A has destroyed enough, don't let it destroy anyone any further (meaning myself and my kids) all the way to sitting here thinking about it and me being grumpy with FWH because of something he cannot change.

I have been through many, many extremely negative things in my life, and all of them I could just accept and move on. This one I'm still not sure why I can't move on....

I keep telling myself that all I have is right now. The past is the past, the future may never come. It does feel a lot easier just manaing this very second and making a choice for how I will be in this one minute vs. the next 20 years.

That's what I will try just for a bit to see if I can get past this one and then in a few months re-address it

bionicgal posted 8/23/2013 09:55 AM

Stillhurt-
I think being in the present is key. Let's face it, the A in the past sucked! We need to derive what meaning from it as BS as we can, and then focus on the present and the future as best we can. Sometimes I think there is only a thimblefull of real info we can get from the affair, yet we mine it as if we are going to hit an oil well. Now for the WS, yes -- they need to dig. But I try to focus (imperfectly at times) on moving forward.

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