I haven't been here for a while as we have been reconciling well, after I finally got what I felt was the full story. I found that where we were in R, coming back here was triggering me, as I read other people's stories.
Great news is that FWH has quit his job of 28 years, where he has worked for over 20 years with OW. He has a fantastic new job, where there is Mir pay, better prospects, better work and as far as I can see people who not regard drinking and conducting inappropriate relationships with coworkers to be acceptable. I am delighted for him as its a great career move and for us as it is a real break from NC. There has been NC since October apart from essential work requirements, but in one month's time, there won't even be the work contact. All great news.
Except... Yesterday, just before the news broke at work, he wanted to send his long term work friends a personal farewell note before the news became public ( he holds a senior influential position in the company, so its a big story for his industry). He asks me to review the note, which is fine. I ask who he intends to send it to. H says, his 30 long term friends. I say but not OW and he says yes, he was going to include OW.
Wham bam, I am back to where we were 2 months ago, when I finally thought I understood it all and thought we could make progress. Ok, she is one of 30, but the email was going to be blind copied, so she would have read it as a personal email to her alone. Why is he still regarding her as a personal friend, who needs to know his personal news?
I am now really upset again.
I am now fretting about whether she will go to his farewell drinks ( there will be numerous events, its that kind of place and he is long sering and very popular) or will sign a farewell card or get him a goodbye present. I don't want her to do any of this, particularly go to his drinks ( their OC was conceived post one of these work drinking sessions- I just don't want her there). He says it is hard to stop her.
I have said he can break NC to tell her that she is not to go to any goodbye event or sign any card. Surely that is a reasonable request? I want him to tell her that he doesn't want her to go not that Pudding doesn't want her to go.
Should I email her and tell her not to go? Should I contact her OWH and tell him that I don't want her to go? He doesn't see why I worry and even drives them out to their drinking sessions (until I found out) and knowingly raises the OC as his. He sees nothing wrong in their relationship and just says that they were silly once and mistakes happen.
I could go to the farewell drinks except tha I am in Japan for my work that week and anyway I don't want to mix with his skanky soon to be ex colleagues.
I feel out of control and out of power. There is nothing I can do to stop her going going or signing a card. I know he won't do anything with her, but I hate it that he would welcome her there with everyone else. I feel they had their 20 minute fun 6 years ago and that means they forfeit any other time together full stop. She has to be excluded from everything in his personal life.
I have thought of threatening to expose their sordid relationship and the OC, if she goes along or signs a card ( no one else knows). But that just damages R with FWH. What else can I do to stop her? Or get him to stop her?