SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Pudding posted 8/22/2013 09:33 AM

I haven't been here for a while as we have been reconciling well, after I finally got what I felt was the full story. I found that where we were in R, coming back here was triggering me, as I read other people's stories.

Great news is that FWH has quit his job of 28 years, where he has worked for over 20 years with OW. He has a fantastic new job, where there is Mir pay, better prospects, better work and as far as I can see people who not regard drinking and conducting inappropriate relationships with coworkers to be acceptable. I am delighted for him as its a great career move and for us as it is a real break from NC. There has been NC since October apart from essential work requirements, but in one month's time, there won't even be the work contact. All great news.

Except... Yesterday, just before the news broke at work, he wanted to send his long term work friends a personal farewell note before the news became public ( he holds a senior influential position in the company, so its a big story for his industry). He asks me to review the note, which is fine. I ask who he intends to send it to. H says, his 30 long term friends. I say but not OW and he says yes, he was going to include OW.

Wham bam, I am back to where we were 2 months ago, when I finally thought I understood it all and thought we could make progress. Ok, she is one of 30, but the email was going to be blind copied, so she would have read it as a personal email to her alone. Why is he still regarding her as a personal friend, who needs to know his personal news?

I am now really upset again.

I am now fretting about whether she will go to his farewell drinks ( there will be numerous events, its that kind of place and he is long sering and very popular) or will sign a farewell card or get him a goodbye present. I don't want her to do any of this, particularly go to his drinks ( their OC was conceived post one of these work drinking sessions- I just don't want her there). He says it is hard to stop her.

I have said he can break NC to tell her that she is not to go to any goodbye event or sign any card. Surely that is a reasonable request? I want him to tell her that he doesn't want her to go not that Pudding doesn't want her to go.

Should I email her and tell her not to go? Should I contact her OWH and tell him that I don't want her to go? He doesn't see why I worry and even drives them out to their drinking sessions (until I found out) and knowingly raises the OC as his. He sees nothing wrong in their relationship and just says that they were silly once and mistakes happen.

I could go to the farewell drinks except tha I am in Japan for my work that week and anyway I don't want to mix with his skanky soon to be ex colleagues.

I feel out of control and out of power. There is nothing I can do to stop her going going or signing a card. I know he won't do anything with her, but I hate it that he would welcome her there with everyone else. I feel they had their 20 minute fun 6 years ago and that means they forfeit any other time together full stop. She has to be excluded from everything in his personal life.

I have thought of threatening to expose their sordid relationship and the OC, if she goes along or signs a card ( no one else knows). But that just damages R with FWH. What else can I do to stop her? Or get him to stop her?

brokensmile322 posted 8/22/2013 09:38 AM

No. There is nothing you can do except let your thoughts and feelings be known.

I would question, why, if your WH is leaving, he NEEDS to put OW on this email especially if it is blind copied.

No one else will know if her name is there or not, so the sending of it to her is for him and/or for her.

This seems like a no brainer. Am I missing something?

Congrats on the new job. That is awesome and will bring you some relief, Pudding.

Hugs!!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:39 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

confused615 posted 8/22/2013 09:43 AM

He doesn't need to put her name on that email. It is insensitive to you to do so.

As for going out for drinks with coworkers..does he have to do that? Instead,maybe you two could compromise,and instead of getting together with these coworkers at some bar,maybe after you have come back from Japan,the two of you could host a dinner party at your house to celebrate your WH's years of employment with this company/these people. That way YOU control the guest list.

Knowing posted 8/22/2013 09:50 AM

I think the ^^PP is right. MCOW should be excluded from that email. They overstepped boundaries by crossing into an A, so now the boundaries have to be pushed way, way back.

What are the consequences, if any, to exposing the A/OW/OC/your WS? If the list is acceptable, then I say do it. Do you need to put your bitch boots on? If these are your terms for R, then so be it.

From what you describe your WS seems a little too cozy. The situation with MCOW seems a little too tidy, if you need to throw a hand grenade in there, to blow their bullshit up, then do it.

It's never too late. I notified the OBS at 9-10 months after DDay. He was very grateful.

Tearsoflove posted 8/22/2013 13:43 PM

I would tell him that if he feels some sort of concern that she would find out that he sent an email to everyone but her, then he should not send an email at all. If he must include her in all the activities, then there are no activities.

I would not consider myself in reconciliation if my husband had this big of a comprehension problem.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:47 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Mousse242 posted 8/22/2013 20:46 PM

There is no reason what so ever for her to be sent that email.

Also, he is leaving, he should/could have one party/get together and that is it. It doesn't need to be a week long drinking fest.

One and done. If he has any respect for you and for your marriage, that is the route he should take.

rachelc posted 8/22/2013 20:51 PM

Honestly and gently, there is a lot here written about the OW and you stopping her from attending a party.

The fact that my WH would have sent or wanted to send an email out and BCC her would be a deal breaker for me.

RockyMtn posted 8/22/2013 20:53 PM

I agree with the others. Especially Mousse. I had a senior VP just retire, very long-term employee, loved by all. One going away party. No one took offense to that.

If he really needs to do a farewell email, why can't he BCC everyone so no one will know she isn't on there? Or cut and paste and personalize for the other 29 people? It was just insensitive to include her as a "long term friend."

Scubachick posted 8/22/2013 22:12 PM

The email would bother me a lot. Ask him to leave her name off the list. Ask him to delay the announcemt until you return from Japan or before you go. I would be upset if my husband was even attending any of these events without me. Maybe arrange a surpise going away party for him before you leave and invite everyone but her.

Pudding posted 8/23/2013 03:19 AM

Thank you for all your messages. As ever, they offer great support.

He sent the email to his friends and after my intervention, her name was excluded, so she will find out later that she was not on his personal list. He did exclude her, but I am still angry that he only excluded her when I told him to. If I had not have intervened, she would have been on the list. We have had an extensive row about this this morning. I have made it clear to him that although he wants me, loves me has chosen me etc etc. he can not have me, whilst there is any part of him that still regards her as a friend or someone who has any right to any part of his personal life. We agreed back in November, that there were to be no personal emails and that would be a deal breaker for me.

He kept arguing that it wasn't really a personal email as he was sending it to 30 people etc, but it said "I want to let you know personally..." And it was BCC, so she would have read it as a personal email. He didn't send it to her, but I am not happy until he accepts that he should never have even thought to have included her.

We are in the UK, so have long notice periods. He has notifed the company that he wishes to leave and will not be released until 23 September, so we have a few more weeks, but the end is in sight. This means that he is working for a month more and the news is gradually seeping out.

As for the leaving parties, he will probably have a few, as he works in three separate locations. Since Dday2 last July, he has spent very little time in OW's location and worked out of the other offices mainly, except for essential work in her office and some travelling with her. (Aaah). It is likely and I can accept that all three offices will want to give him a good send off. I actually get on well with the people in the other 2 offices, who have included me in their activities and who do not seem to have the drinking/ shagging culture prevalent in the first office, so I am Ok about that. He has given 28 years of his life to that company. They should make sure he has a good send off. I do not want to have any part of it though.

I have made it clear to him that if I find out she has attended any of his leaving activities, then I will regard it as a signal that they are closer than is acceptable for me to remain in the marriage.

I am still contemplating writing a joint letter to OW and OWH pleading with them that she doesn't attend any of the parties, recognising that they might have different values about their marriage, but I would regard it as an added insult on top of everything else if she were to go, telling them how much agony I am in and asking them to spend time together that night rather than continuing to ruin my life. Although OWH doesn't seem to care what his WW does, and thinks I am mad to get so worked up about it, I think that he might persuade her that it is not worth upsetting me further for the sake of one last drink with my WH, particularly if I threaten to expose them and reveal that the OC is not his child.

Laura28 posted 8/23/2013 04:06 AM

Honey I think you are doing well.

As for the OW and her BH I think I would threaten. Clearly their moral compass is way off. Telling them how it would hurt you would likely have little impact.

On the other hand, threatening to out the affair and the OC probably will. There is always a danger that she will complain about your threats to your FWH but he needs to acknowledge where his priorities lie. He needs to support you and your needs. If she does contact him he needs to put you first. I'm sorry to say that I don't think he is doing this in this situation.

I would write a very simple email to OW and CC to her BH.

Something along the lines of:

"I am writing to inform you that FWH is leaving the company. You and OW are not welcome at any of the farewell functions to acknowledge his years of service. Nor should you sign any farewell cards or participate in gift giving. Should you choose to do these I will have no option but to inform his work colleagues and others of the affair and the child that resulted from it. Pudding".

I would also CC your FWH. If he is genuinely remorseful he should support you. If he doesn't, well .. you have your answer about his remorse.

HUGS

Laura