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What if you are just imcompatible?

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heforgotme posted 8/22/2013 09:48 AM

So. I don't think I have ever seen posts about this. And it is driving me crazy.

What if you are just incompatible?

Every other person WH has ever been with could be described as "wild".

I am not.

And it is making me feel like we are not meant to be together. He has told me that AP could drink more than anyone else he knew. He saw this as an attribute.

I will never be that person. And I don't want to be.

So, anyone else feel like you are simply incompatible????

[This message edited by heforgotme at 12:55 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Jennifer99 posted 8/22/2013 09:50 AM

<raising my hand>

Knowing posted 8/22/2013 09:59 AM

If I were you I'd find out if you truly are incompatible or if it's just another lie in the pack of lies he told himself about you and the OW (and is now slowly convincing you of).

What about you? Is he compatible with YOU? Is he who you want in your life?

The incompatibility between my fWH and I is that I am highly emotional (and even in terms of emotional maturity/intelligence) and he is almost completely emotionally stunted. I never realized it was such a problem until his A. It's what got him into the A in the first place, not having a clue how he felt... I wonder how i ever got involved with him in the first place. I guess opposites really do attract. That's my biggest requirement or gauge for R now. FWH has to get in touch with his feelings and be able to express them or I don't think I can remain in this M for long as it is.

AStar posted 8/22/2013 11:10 AM

Drinking like a fish is not a good attribute. Are the OPs reckless and different?
It is a good thing that you are different: you are not a lying, deceitful amoral bad person.
Please don't think that because you are not like the OP you are incompatible. Decent, sane and self- respecting women dont mess with married people.

Reality posted 8/22/2013 11:32 AM


I think about that, heforgotme. A LOT. Most of the other women WH has been drawn to are reckless or deeply entrenched in a particular genre, hobby, or ideology. NOT balanced people, which is why he was drawn to them.

Frankly? I can't stand that type of mindset. If I had to pick one "method" to my life choices, it would be "balance." I don't have a lot of respect for people that immerse themselves in a part of their lives/experiences at the expense of everything/everyone else.

Like someone or are interested in something? Awesome! Get to it! Are you blowing up the rest of your life to only focus on that one thing? DON'T BE AN IDIOT.

/rant off

I like pretty much everything. WH complains about pretty much everything. I like challenges and adventure. WH gets pissy when things aren't to his specifications or preferences. I don't mind working towards a goal knowing the pay off will come in time, WH near demands instant gratification.

Yeah, I have lists. I think all of us go through this, though, heforgotme. When the person you trust most shows you that you don't mean to him/her what you thought you did, you questions everything about yourself. When that person also blames you (even just initially) for their bad choices, that's an additional layer of disorienting self evaluation.

I KNOW I'm not compatible with the guy WH chose to be. I KNOW the man I fell in love with is very compatible with me. That's why R takes so long - figuring out who is who and which WH you're really married to.

soconfusednow posted 8/22/2013 12:55 PM

The counselor we went to before we got married told us that we were incompatible, If we chose to get married we would have to work at it harder than most. We should seriously think about whether we should get married at all. And should be prepared for a lifetime of struggles to make it work. We both decided it was worth it.

To bad somewhere along the way he changed his mind.

We have always struggled to find common interests.

Now he's praying he'll learn to love me like a husband should. I'm wondering if I can wait that long He's still my best friend, so if I walk away I lose that too. I know I couldn't handle being just friends. We've been together 30 years....hoping we'll find a way to make it 30 years more.

Jrazz posted 8/22/2013 17:16 PM

That's a very important question. "Wild" can mean very different things. It's one thing to have different energy levels, it's another if there is a huge, um, maturity disparity.

Incompatibility is something Crazz and I are working out through counseling right now. I think that it needs to be a separate issue from working out the A, though. I mean, perhaps certain differing behaviors led the WS to do what they did, but at the end of the day integrity and zeal are very different characteristics. IMO.

Work the compatibility issue out separately, if you can. It will hopefully help keep things clear and in their own buckets as you navigate how the A has impacted your relationship.


IRN2006 posted 8/22/2013 17:33 PM

I think incompatibility doesn't automatically mean a bad thing.

DH and I have similar views on money, parenting, and religion. We do have a similar value system..That's where it ends.

We have little common interests and our personalities are polar opposites.

However, we are both open to new experiences and enjoy each other's company. We manage our marriage by giving each other the space/freedom to be who we are.

I would not compare yourself to the fantasy, or make decisions on that.

My Dh is a recovering SA. He lived in fantasy for most of his life. It does me no good to base any sort of judgement about him or our marriage while he was getting high and living out his fantasies (albeit in his head..)

To me, the drinking comment speaks more to the fact that your DH is not doing his own work to repair himself and recover the marriage. THAT would be of greater concern to me, IMVHO.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 5:36 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

BeyondBreaking posted 8/22/2013 18:02 PM

I worry about this.

WH is very disorganized and likes to do things spur of the moment. His idea of a vacation is going somewhere and winging it.

I have OCD. That just doesn't work for me. I love organization. I like planning ahead. My idea of a good vacation involves an itinary.

WH is an optimist. He always plans for the best and assumes nothing bad will ever happen.

I am a pessimist. I can't stand to be disappointed. I expect the worst, and plan for it. If something good happens, it is a plesant surprise.

Wh likes to drink, but also likes to stay at home. He doesn't like the bar scene- he would rather have people over to the house.

I don't like having people over- I feel that it is encroaching on my space and I don't like playing host all the time. I would rather meet on neutral ground. I don't like drinking and don't drink to excess very often (I maybe have gotten drunk once this year).

I feel like we are from different planets and are completely incompatable. :(

ccw82 posted 8/22/2013 22:09 PM

I agree with IRN2006. Surely you won't be compatible in every aspect, just like you won't be incompatible in every aspect. What's important to remember is what you two prioritize as value together: Family? Religion? Honesty? (the list goes on)

You should write a list of things you two value. Then separately rate them from 1 to (whatever). Then share your results. See what you two value the most together, then go from there. I did this with WH and it was nice to see we had some of the same values in common still.

blakesteele posted 8/22/2013 22:34 PM

I see you are not too far into this journey. I am not much further ahead of you.

I don't know if my wife and I are compatible...what I wonder is if we are compatible within ourselves.

Forgive me if this doesn't make sense...I don't have a full grasp of it.

I think my wife is almost as surprised as I am at what she is seeing within herself....and I am surprised of what I am seeing within myself.

Maybe the incompatible question isn't justified with regards to you both together may just be learning who you are in a deeper way then you ever have before.

Until you sumize who you are is hard to say if you are compatible with your mate.

Kind of like if you mix green and blue you get yellow....but as you pour out the green paint you see red in there thought you wanted green, were intending to make green, but now that red is in the mix you are just not sure what you want or even what you have to work with.

crazy thought I guess.....maybe someone else can read this and make sense.

God be with us all.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/23/2013 04:18 AM

Drinking like a fish is not a good attribute.
For most of us, including me, this is true. However, Heforgotme says her H sees it as an attribute. I don't think it helpful for other people to say what is, or is not a good attribute in the mind of someone else, and base this on our own morals and values.

I think the message there is: "sure you are compatable because all people should think drinking like a fish is bad, therefore, we just need to fix your H so he conforms with the rest of us."

My point is that a man, who even half implied that a woman who could drink more than anyone he knew, was attractive trait, would NOT be compatible with me and it would be huge, and it is NOT something that you (the BS) can fix. It is WHO he is.

Maybe I'm not a good one to respond about this because I have low tolerance for alcohol abuse and habitual drunks are a complete turnoff to me. I would have definitely divorced my H just as quickly for habitual alcohol abuse as I would infidelity. And if he found women who were such drinkers attractive, what would that say about his own attitude about being drunk?

My H and are not incompatable but we are on very opposite ends of the spectrum about something important: how we spend money and financial considerations. We have worked it out, and came each other's way for 18 years now and I am sure we will continue. There are some types of compatibility that can be worked out, but when you think being a wild drunk is an attractive thing in a woman, well that says a lot about the man, and I don't think I could be with that type of man, because Heforgotme, I am like you in that I would never be that person (drunk and wild) and I don't want to be.

You posted in R so I am assuming you are trying to R with him so don't let me discourage you. You have a lot of things to consider and in the end, you have to decide what is best for you, realizing you cannot change anyone but yourself.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 4:22 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

BeyondBreaking posted 8/23/2013 18:23 PM

Drinking like a fish is not a good attribute.

I thought this was A GREAT attribute when I was 18 and in college. LOL

I agree with Astar

Knowing posted 8/24/2013 03:25 AM

There's a book that presents very helpful criteria in determining (or re-evaluating) compatibility in the wake of an A: "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum.

I found it very eye opening, and helpful. A warning: it is written for the WS, so a bit slanted and triggery, but both fWH and I answered all the questions in the quiz early on and it showed me (and helped him see) that nothing had changed about our compatibility, just our perception of our M and each other. That has been a crucial piece of the puzzle for us in our recovery journey, just like my fWH went into the A fog with his head full of self-told lies about me and our M, I am subject to similar, powerful emotionally-fueled self-talk in the wake if his A.

You've been together for 20 years! There is something between you that surely you could not find with anyone else... Or maybe not.

Maybe you were attractive to him because of your stability. And you to him because he was there, available and interested. Only you know. It's a question worth asking. And worth putting the time effort into finding the answers. I was very surprised at the answers I uncovered. Sometimes, the good feelings and good memories get buried under all of the muck of day to day living, and the pile of shit we find ourselves under upon the discovery of our WS' A. Incompatibility could be the smokescreen to understanding right now, or maybe even the lie your WS told himself to justify his A (which you are now buying up like cheap real estate)? Really, truly, only you know!

One of the books we read shortly after DDay also said that sometimes one of the partners of an M realizes they were never in love with the other. I think it may be the book I mentioned above, if not, it would be the other book we read within 6 months of DDay: "Intimacy After Infidelity".

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