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Checking in as healed and reconciled. Don't lose hope.

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thundersdad78 posted 8/22/2013 09:56 AM

I am approaching 3 years since dday. It seems so long ago, yet just like yesterday at the same time.

I like to post on here every once in while because when I found out, I was so broken and lost, like many of you now. My first thought after finding out was that our M was over...I mean an A is just an automatic marriage ender isn't it? When I found this site, I learned that many people get through this and make it to the other side stronger.

Do I honestly believe we are stronger now? Yes I do.

My FWW had a 5 month A with a co-worker 9 months after the birth of our son. I found out in November of 2010 and what ensued was years of chaos. Every relationship was different. My FWW had immediate no contact with the OM, quit her job immediately, offered passwords to everything, checked in constantly where she went, set up counseling for us and for her, and pretty much everything else that could be asked of a cheater.

Still I was on my way out the door. I was set on leaving at the beginning, at least in the first few days. I was looking for apartments immediately, devastated by the thought of an innocent child being brought into a broken home at only 9 months old. What made me change my mind? This site was a huge part of it. Her refusal to submit was another part of it. Since Dday:

-she walked away from her job
-we lost our house as a result
-she got pregnant from hysterical bonding
-I DNA tested both our children just to be sure
-my brother decided to not be supporting of our R attempt and instead did everything he could, including stalking us on this site and forward our posts to other family members, so I completely cut him out.
-I started a new business last year

Why did I add starting a new business? Because I refused to let any of the A take away from my life. In fact, it was a game changer for me. I started seeking out various self help and spiritual books post Dday and became more confident in myself than I had ever been in my life. I took pain and found strength. I refused to be destroyed by the immeasurable pain the A caused me. Instead I put the energy to starting a business in something I love, and becoming a better person for my family and for myself.

Find strength in the pain. When we were in our first year of R, my wife did pretty much everything right (except for one major setback, an old ONS from when we first started dating she came to me and admitted 3 months post dday). They said in these forums that R took two. But I admit, I focused completely on myself, knowing my wife was remorseful and wasn't seeing the OM, and wasn't going anywhere. I admit I put our marriage on the backburner after the first year. For me, that was what I needed. I retreated in self help books, books on spirituality, and really learned myself on every level. When I emerged, I was a better, stronger person than I had ever been in my life. I refused to become bitter, but I also refused to ever waiver from what I feel I deserved from people.

Do not go through life victimizing yourself, beating yourself down with negative self-talk, and lacking self confidence. You can be confident yet not cocky. Use this pain and become stronger.

My wife never waivered from her remorse. Still, almost 3 years later, she starts crying occasionally, looks me in the eyes, and apologizes deep from her heart and her eyes. She tells me how lucky she is, and that I saved her life. She walks differently, talks differently, and has simply grown up. Her boundaries are stronger than most people I have met. She is grateful on every level for her chance to have an intact family. Lately, I almost feel undeserving of her, as she is constantly showering me with love, gifts, and little favors. Our new normal is we just have each others passwords for everything. My facebook is always logged in, or hers is, we just don't ever log out of our accounts. It seems odd to us now that other couples do not know each others passwords for things. Everything is open to us in every way. In short, we are reconciled. It was a long, long road.

Your's will be long also. Not everybody will have the remorse they need, and even still, it may not be enough for you. I can only tell you from my perspective, that it IS possible. I hate ever saying this, and just typing it almost makes me cringe, but I can't really say I wouldn't go through it all again not only for our M, but for what it did to me, it awakened a fire in me for life.

I know I portray our M in too perfect of a light, so let me add that we do fight, we get stressed. With 2 small children, there is no shortage of stress and bickering, but overall, I feel lucky to have the M I have.

This site was instrumental in my healing. I was quite literally addicted to it for my first year. Take what you need from it, and focus on your healing.

-You will make it past this

-Everybody has the ability to change

-Focus on healing yourself first and foremost

-Realize that happiness is all in how you perceive the world.

-You are not alone

It hurts me coming here and seeing the pain people inflict on each other, but the site gave me so much, I feel it's my duty to pay forward some hope. This community will always be here for you, and although I seldom visit here, we are out there. Those that have healed may not come on this site very often, as it's not in their thoughts every day anymore. As a result, it may seem like there isn't a lot of hope on this site, but it is there. You will survive this.

[This message edited by thundersdad78 at 10:03 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

confused615 posted 8/22/2013 09:58 AM

simplydevastated posted 8/22/2013 10:05 AM

Your story proves that with hard work from both sides a marriage can be healed and made stronger.

I'm happy for the two of you.

Girlietoo posted 8/22/2013 12:09 PM

Thank you- I needed this today. I would like to share it with my WH but for today I'm going to keep it for myself.

Camalus posted 8/22/2013 13:07 PM

Thanks for giving us hope.

catlover50 posted 8/22/2013 14:05 PM

Good for you both!! And thanks for sharing!

Gemini71 posted 8/22/2013 20:40 PM

Thank God! Literally. I had just about lost my faith in happy endings. So glad you're doing well and sharing with the rest of us.

womaninflux posted 8/22/2013 20:57 PM

Congratulations to you and your FWW on all of your hard work.

Best wishes going forward.

Alexa posted 8/22/2013 23:40 PM

I am so happy for you. It's nice to hear about a successful reconciliation. Please continue to remind us BS everyonce in a while that you are out there and let us know you are still happily married. We could use the encouragement to move forward since most of us are feeling helpless and confused as to how we got to where we are.

Thank you so much for the uplifting story. Wishing you many more years of marital bliss!!!

emotionalgirl posted 8/22/2013 23:48 PM

Thank you for WH and I are just starting to deal with this and although I am starting to feel positive and have some hope, some days are harder than others.

I like to say that there is a light at the end of every tunnel....somewhere. Your story proves that I am right.

May you continue to have every happiness!

lordhasaplan? posted 8/22/2013 23:56 PM

Yeah! Thunders dad!
Long time no hear, but no news seems to be good news. So glad you two did the work and continue to have a successful marriage. I know your journey well. I wish you both well.

thundersdad78 posted 8/23/2013 06:33 AM

hey LHAP! How's it going? Nice seeing some familiar members! How is everything on your end?

I also want to add that I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. It never really hit me that I was healed one day, it just slowly got better. Some days were good in between, some were bad. Slowly the good days started outnumbering the bad.

Also, start exercising and eating healthy. Make it a priority. One of the biggest obstacles to healing is your feeling of self worth. Exercise and diet will dramatically increase your self confidence and fight depression. Find some good songs for your iPod, songs that make you feel stronger, go running and lift weights. Do not fall into a pattern of being a victim and letting yourself go. Eventually people will stop wanting to hear it. Be strong, put your lines in the sand, and do not waiver!

1985 posted 8/23/2013 11:07 AM

I remember you. I remember your postings where you were agonizing over whether to get an apartment and throw in the towel or rent a house and give R a shot. I remember offering advice and your decision to rent the house and give it one last try.
Reading this outcome 3 years later is just awesome. Congratulations to both of you! Your story will be uplifting for everyone on SI.

Sadwife222 posted 8/23/2013 11:19 AM

Thank you so much! I, too, needed this today. It's our 16th anniversay today and we're only 2 weeks out from his timeline disclosure. Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day in a deep, dark place. I was feeling so hopeless and so scared.
Your story has helped me regain a tiny bit of hope and sometimes, that's all we need to move forward.
I'm happy for you and your fWW. I hope to feel as you do one day.
God bless you.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/23/2013 11:40 AM

YAY for the Thunder family. Thanks for the update and positive message for everyone, td78.

libertyrocks posted 8/23/2013 11:52 AM

Wow, this is good stuff, man. Thanks for sharing!!! :)

thundersdad78 posted 8/23/2013 12:01 PM

1985, you were instrumental to those decisions. You offered perfect advice and each time made me feel stronger. You always spoke eloquently and your words sunk in. I can honestly say that you sir are one of the reasons my wife and I are still together and my children live in a healthy intact home. You are proof that the people here can change lives. Thank you.

simpleD posted 8/23/2013 13:09 PM

Thank you so much for sharing a positive & uplifting update from your experiences. It's wonderful to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am new to SI and thankful to have found this site. 2 years post Dday and working towards recovery. I shall heed your advise about not being a victim. God Bless.

thundersdad78 posted 8/23/2013 13:25 PM

Lastly, I want to offer a quote by Viktor Frankl from his book "Mans Search for Meaning". A quote that was a turning point for me in my healing. May it be one in yours too.

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

[This message edited by thundersdad78 at 1:27 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Jewlz posted 8/23/2013 13:39 PM

I appreciate this post, thank you.

PS I read this, it is a great book!

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