"We are just good friends. She understands the demands on me and shares my ideas on.....". The memories of those words to my ears from H make me sick. I protested their relationship and he, while disagreeing, told me he would quit all communication except for needed business. Or so I thought. I blindly trusted him. The first time I met her 6 months earlier I told him she was a user and that her crass, me-first personality would cause him issues in his business life if she was linked too closely to him. I had no idea that he would ever be interested in a sexually ambiguous, foul mouthed person who obviously had grandiose ideas about herself.
Within 1 week of me asking him to end their special friendship, they had met, and after a teary "I cannot just be acquaintances, we can be friends...please do not end this special friendship" from her, he agreed to keep it secret and as long as I did not find out, things would be cool. And I did not find out. Their special friendship, born out of a work relationship, moved from work phone calls and texting to the familiar sexual innuendo, then on to phone sex, moving right into the PA. All this happened within 6 weeks after I found out about their 6 month EA. She knew that as soon as he agreed to the secret friendship, she could move him right on to sex. And, she was right. When the IC showed my H the steps that lead to the A, he felt so stupid and used by his special friend.
This time 3 years ago, right under my nose, an aggressive whore and my depressed, stressed out middle aged husband were upping the ante in their depraved friendship. They made the perfect pair for an A. Even though it was 3 years ago I have a heightened memory that makes it feel like yesterday. The train wreck was coming and even though I had gotten a slight view of it, my trust in him was not enough to stop it. My H had no boundaries in place because he wanted to be cool, with it, modern, unrestricted, etc. Good God in heaven, I wish one of us would have had the insight to stop it before they went to her bed.
I say all of this because, how do you tell people the dangers that "just friends" is a giant stop sign? In the modern day when men and women work together, travel together, hang together, carpool, and all other times spent together, how do you warn them without sounding like a crazy, sexist, old fashioned bitch? I find people are offended at the thought that their "friendships" would ever be any thing except a friendship.
Now my H has boundaries, set by the IC, not just me, that he cannot ever let down. Could we have been warned beforehand and made any difference? How about future women who will be offended when he refuses a little work lunch or dinner or even a ride to the airport?
We all want to think we are cool, modern, progressive thinking people. We do not want to give off the old prude vibe by insisting on boundaries and limits. I guess now I am an old prude.
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose