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Can't we just be friends?

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Lovedyoumore posted 8/22/2013 10:31 AM

"We are just good friends. She understands the demands on me and shares my ideas on.....". The memories of those words to my ears from H make me sick. I protested their relationship and he, while disagreeing, told me he would quit all communication except for needed business. Or so I thought. I blindly trusted him. The first time I met her 6 months earlier I told him she was a user and that her crass, me-first personality would cause him issues in his business life if she was linked too closely to him. I had no idea that he would ever be interested in a sexually ambiguous, foul mouthed person who obviously had grandiose ideas about herself.

Within 1 week of me asking him to end their special friendship, they had met, and after a teary "I cannot just be acquaintances, we can be friends...please do not end this special friendship" from her, he agreed to keep it secret and as long as I did not find out, things would be cool. And I did not find out. Their special friendship, born out of a work relationship, moved from work phone calls and texting to the familiar sexual innuendo, then on to phone sex, moving right into the PA. All this happened within 6 weeks after I found out about their 6 month EA. She knew that as soon as he agreed to the secret friendship, she could move him right on to sex. And, she was right. When the IC showed my H the steps that lead to the A, he felt so stupid and used by his special friend.

This time 3 years ago, right under my nose, an aggressive whore and my depressed, stressed out middle aged husband were upping the ante in their depraved friendship. They made the perfect pair for an A. Even though it was 3 years ago I have a heightened memory that makes it feel like yesterday. The train wreck was coming and even though I had gotten a slight view of it, my trust in him was not enough to stop it. My H had no boundaries in place because he wanted to be cool, with it, modern, unrestricted, etc. Good God in heaven, I wish one of us would have had the insight to stop it before they went to her bed.

I say all of this because, how do you tell people the dangers that "just friends" is a giant stop sign? In the modern day when men and women work together, travel together, hang together, carpool, and all other times spent together, how do you warn them without sounding like a crazy, sexist, old fashioned bitch? I find people are offended at the thought that their "friendships" would ever be any thing except a friendship.

Now my H has boundaries, set by the IC, not just me, that he cannot ever let down. Could we have been warned beforehand and made any difference? How about future women who will be offended when he refuses a little work lunch or dinner or even a ride to the airport?

We all want to think we are cool, modern, progressive thinking people. We do not want to give off the old prude vibe by insisting on boundaries and limits. I guess now I am an old prude.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 8/22/2013 10:44 AM

exactly my thoughts. That's why my username is what it is..because it all started with my H blubbering like a brat...ohhh whay are you so upset! I ONLY talked to HER! It is no big deal we are just friends.

giant stop sign--you are so right!

TrustGone posted 8/22/2013 11:02 AM

I have had male friends in my past, but knew the limits that the friendship was just that, a friendship and my male friends knew that was the way our friendship was. I thought my husband could do the same and he did for years until a friendship with an old GF went to something else. She was easy and he was having a MLC. I never knew of this friendship, like I did the other girls he was friends with, that was the difference. Before he would always tell me when he talked to one of these girl friends and I never had a problem with it, because he was always honest, told me what they talked about, if they went to lunch, had a phone converstion, etc. and I did the same. It is when he started keeping it a secret is when the trouble began. Now he knows that he will never be able to have girls that he can be just friends with because he overstepped those boundaries and the consequences are that he will never be trusted again to be "just friends" with any other girl.

Lovedyoumore posted 8/22/2013 11:13 AM

Trust do we know those boundaries will not fall as your H's did after all those years? If you asked my H, he would tell you that he too had boundaries and could handle any friendship.

In my current state, I will not be alone with even long time male friends. My vulnerability index is just too high right now. But, pre A I would have never even thought about my vulnerability towards a friendship turning into an EA or PA.

Lovedyoumore posted 8/22/2013 11:20 AM

As far as boundaries, after having boundaries in previous friendships, why did the boundaries fall in the A relationship of my H?

She was 20 years younger and she said very specific things to him about him being cool for his age, being in great shape, being the hippest 50 something she knew. Zip. Down the boundaries came, along with his zipper.

ShockedErica11 posted 8/22/2013 11:27 AM

Jesus, was your WH's OW my WH's OW?

I swear that's what it was, damn near word for word; even with the NC that he claims he established after I found out, but never got to be apart of: that she wanted to remain friends, why can't they stay friends? That she understood him, that he was helping her, that he was wanted and needed.

This is everything I find out in retrospective talks with him. I didn't know she was even in existence except for the flirtatious messages they exchanged back and forth on Twitter, which I saw and discarded because we'd ALWAYS had problems with him having friends and being OVERLY friendly with females and he basically made it seem like I was an old harpy nag for wanting him to have boundaries and that I just didn't understand that he was being a "nice guy" and that's all it was. Riiiiiight.

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