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Sam793 posted 8/22/2013 10:34 AM

Yesterday my BW wanted to know everything about the A. It was my last chance. She wanted "new" things told to her and "not the same old crap". I had already told her everything but she didn't believe it so when I said the same things she said we were over. She had her own thoughts about the A which she has expressed. I decided to just admit to what she thought and not what happened so I had a better chance at R.

It got us talking again but the same outcome resulted. I've tried everything to help her. I'm trying to help her ease her mind and grasping at straws to do it. I guess in the end what did I expect? I had an A. The end.

Imessedup97 posted 8/22/2013 11:07 AM

The title of your post caught my attention right away. I catch myself using extreme words such as every, always, never,etc. My BS is helping me to see that those words have no place in our conversations right now. He is so right! After four weeks, I am starting to catch myself using them. My first piece of advise to you is to stop using those words. If you really think about it, you have not tried everything. I know exactly how you are feeling. The attempts that I have made to fix my marriage have been received as poor attempts from my BS. If you read my post, I would get defensive when he did not noticed the attempts that I made to try and fix things. I am starting to learn that I will need to continue to work much harder to mend his broken heart. Our spouses are traumatized right now and need to ask questions over and over again to get the big picture. My BS brought home "Joseph's letter". You can find it in the healing library. He does an excellent job of describing the BS ability to put all the pieces together. It has made me much more understanding of what I need to do to give my BS the whole picture. You said in your post that you eventually gave her the info that you thought she wanted to hear. Was that info not true? Honesty is the most important thing you can give your spouse right now. She may want to hear something different because deep down she feels that you are not being totaly honest with her. I have had the samething happen with my BS. I will not make anything up just to appease him at that moment. I just stick with the real story and try to explain to him that I understand that he has real doubts about my story. He has no trust with me right now. It will be a long long time before he will trust me if ever.
As hard as this situation is for me, it is not even close to what I have done to my husband. I have a lot to learn and that is why I am here on this forum. I may not like everything that I hear, but if it helps me be a better wife, then it is worth it.
Good luck, and please check out Joseph's letter. It really is powerful!

LA44 posted 8/22/2013 11:12 AM

Are you guys in MC? It sounds like you are in need of a mediator.

I would find one straight away bc making things up to satisfy her is not exactly a good plan in order to R.

LA44 posted 8/22/2013 11:16 AM

I agree with the last poster. Print Joseph's letter and share it with her.

On a personal note, my fWH expressed to his dad 4 to 6 weeks post DDay that it was as if I wasn't noticing his efforts. HE was frustrated!

His dad told him, "LA's bucket is empty. It's up to you to fill it. Every day, you put something in her bucket and drop by drop she will begin to noticed your efforts."

But you can't fill the bucket with lies. Again...MC.
LA

Sam793 posted 8/22/2013 11:19 AM

Thank you will look for it. I told her what she wanted to hear. There were a couple of things I told her that were not true that were worse then what really happened. My BW would not believe me that I didn't love my AP in the true sense of love and the other had to do with orgasms with my AP. I finally told her what she wanted I hear even though it made it come across worse then it was. I thought it may help and how do I now back out if it. She didn't believe me before then how is she going to believe me now. I keep digging the hole deeper.

We tried MC in the beginning. I've tried to get her to go back but she doesn't want to.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 11:21 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Imessedup97 posted 8/22/2013 11:39 AM

LA44- I had to comment on the empty bucket theory. My BH started to use this about a week ago. It has really helped my see and visualize my efforts. We even have added that certain behaviors (high cost behaviors) will fill up his bucket faster then low cost behaviors. When I get defensive and mean, I basically just dumped out his entire bucket and it is one again empty. After a few days of this, I asked him if his bucket had a whole in it. I was feeling frustrated by not getting recognition for any of my efforts. Now I understand. Last night, I know I dumped his water out again and I need to work extra hard today to refill what I dumped out yesterday and then add more. Today is our weekly MC. I am always nervous and also excited at the same time.
Sam793- you need to stop emptying her bucket. I am speaking from experience and I have a long way to go and much more to learn. I am just beginning to learn how I can start filling BS's bucket. The sad thing is, and it breaks my heart to say this, he has kept my bucket full through most of post DDAY. He is actually kicking himself for not being hard enough on me! This is a man that I want to hold onto! I just need to find a way to show him!!!

StrongerOne posted 8/22/2013 12:31 PM

Have you written it all out?

Have you put together a detailed timeline:

Have you gone through all of your calendars, phones, apps with messaging capability, email, blackberry, voicemail? gone through your charge card records and check book and bank statements for money spent on the OP? journals or notebooks or what have you where you jotted down your thoughts?

Have you written out, to the **very best** of your memory, how you *felt* on the different occasions when you called, emailed, texted, met with, talked to, etc. the OP?

Have you noted on the timeline whether you met with the OP in public, where you went and what you did, and did anyone you know see you? go to an event with OP and any of your friends? take your kids along? send pix of your kids to the OP?

Did you and your OP share any special songs? share a special book? have a special place? give each other gifts? do you have any notes or cards or gifts from your OP? (ask your W if she wants them kept, or should you destroy them? and I mean, hack crush or burn -- seriously.)

Have you gone back and added to your timeline when you remember some detail, however small?

I will tell you that I was especially pissed off that I had to either drag this info out of my H, or dig it up on my own. I just about went off the deep end when he told me that he didn't tell me X because it didn't seem important, or because he didn't want to upset me, or because he knew I would "take it the wrong way." It took for-ev-er to get him to understand that omitting info = lying. Please learn from my H's mistakes -- get it all out there. Every bit. No lying. No omitting. No just a part of the story. No embellishing.

Good luck to you. It's beastly hard for both of you, and no guarantee that telling the whole truth will get you to R. Not telling the whole truth, however, is a really good way to kill R before it even gets going.

Keep on trying!

LA44 posted 8/22/2013 13:00 PM

Ok. I have just recalled doing the same thing your wife did from D-Day to month 3. I insisted that the PA was still going on in 2012. I hammered at him to "tell me the truth". I simply could not believe he ended it (physically) when he said he had in Dec 2011. I pushed him and pushed him but....his story never changed. He was adament w/o being defensive. He wrote it down. I read it. I asked questions, and again his story never changed. He was always patient. I also had to admit that his behavior from that time was consistent with what he was sayin. At some point in Feb, I had to release it. I had to accept what he was saying as the truth.

Just tell the truth. Be patient. Her heart is on the floor. And for goodness sake, don't make anything up to appease her. I am sorry MC is out for her right now. Try again in a few weeks. For now, I recommend IC for you

As for the bucket thing...5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a good place to start.

Good luck, Sam.

Sam793 posted 8/23/2013 09:13 AM

It was wrong doing what I did. Some times I wonder why I say what I do on here knowing that my BW will see it. She's way more closer to the truth then I am. The feeling I love wasn't it in the normal sense but any feeling of attachment is wrong when its not your spouse. I try not to look bad to my BW but when I post topics like I do it does. I make better progress talking my feelings with her then posting them on here to get support and for her to see. I need to put my focus on her and not what everyone else thinks. It does no good. I make SI more of a hindrance when the real purpose of it is to help.

Sal1995 posted 8/23/2013 15:25 PM

She had her own thoughts about the A which she has expressed. I decided to just admit to what she thought and not what happened so I had a better chance at R.

My wife repeatedly denied certain aspects of her affair, even to the point of telling me that she would just admit them anyway if that would help us move on. But she stopped short of admitting them. Later, under the threat of a polygraph, she confessed the truth. It was exactly as I thought all along.

She may be sensing that you are lying or withholding info. If you're not, it could just be that she simply doesn't trust you. If you are in fact minimizing or lying, I strongly encourage you to get it all out there, now. You can't R until she feels like she has the whole story.

sad34 posted 8/23/2013 16:49 PM

Sam, you are or aren't telling the truth? If I was your wife I would be completely confused. If you don't step up to the plate you might lose her.