Have you written it all out?
Have you put together a detailed timeline:
Have you gone through all of your calendars, phones, apps with messaging capability, email, blackberry, voicemail? gone through your charge card records and check book and bank statements for money spent on the OP? journals or notebooks or what have you where you jotted down your thoughts?
Have you written out, to the **very best** of your memory, how you *felt* on the different occasions when you called, emailed, texted, met with, talked to, etc. the OP?
Have you noted on the timeline whether you met with the OP in public, where you went and what you did, and did anyone you know see you? go to an event with OP and any of your friends? take your kids along? send pix of your kids to the OP?
Did you and your OP share any special songs? share a special book? have a special place? give each other gifts? do you have any notes or cards or gifts from your OP? (ask your W if she wants them kept, or should you destroy them? and I mean, hack crush or burn -- seriously.)
Have you gone back and added to your timeline when you remember some detail, however small?
I will tell you that I was especially pissed off that I had to either drag this info out of my H, or dig it up on my own. I just about went off the deep end when he told me that he didn't tell me X because it didn't seem important, or because he didn't want to upset me, or because he knew I would "take it the wrong way." It took for-ev-er to get him to understand that omitting info = lying. Please learn from my H's mistakes -- get it all out there. Every bit. No lying. No omitting. No just a part of the story. No embellishing.
Good luck to you. It's beastly hard for both of you, and no guarantee that telling the whole truth will get you to R. Not telling the whole truth, however, is a really good way to kill R before it even gets going.
Keep on trying!