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User Topic: Healing myself first - what does that mean?
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This idea is confusing to me. What does "healing yourself first" mean to you? Is this done before attempting R? Is this done during R? What steps are you taking?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
TrustedHer
♂ 23328
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take a stab at it, but bear in mind that I never had the opportunity for R. Though I did beg for it.

You've been hurt. Shocked. Maybe even broken.

Your WS has, for some reason, made this possible, and aided it.

So, you're in need of healing, he's in need of healing, and your marriage is in need of healing.

How can either of you heal your marriage, without addressing the problems you each have?

My marriage was broken before my XWW (that's the first time I got to write that) cheated on me. We each had communication problems, parenting problems, money problems, and probably more.

If I had had the sense to get counseling early in my marriage, maybe I could have figured some of that out, and had a stronger, healthier marriage, by changing MYSELF to do what needed done. Or, equally likely, I could have been divorced years earlier when I realized that she had problems that she could not or would not fix.

R is a path. You can both figure out if you want to head down the path, but each of you needs to walk down it. On your own. And you need to know yourself in order to know the path.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5217 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does "healing yourself first" mean to you?

I knew in my very soul that I could trust myself, and trust whatever decision I made. It was the freedom to choose what was best for me -- and the wisdom that I had to commit to staying or going, but ending limbo/ambivalence.

Put another way, I had to love myself more than I loved him. Was that a little selfish? Maybe. Was it necessary? Absolutely!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Beautifulmind
♂ 38361
Member # 38361
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great question! I am a year out and this idea of "self healing" has changed for me over time.

Simply put, it means that I put "MY" needs of healing first and everything else is secondary. A concept I struggled with very early on and still do, to some extent. Initially, this mindset felt wrong..... like I was being selfish. I was raised in athletics and turned that into a career. In my chosen sport, it was all about the team and there was NO place for selfish people. Team - first, individual- second. I guess that's how I lived my everyday life as well.

I read something though that changed my perspective. It isn't being "Selfish", it's being "Selffull" (sp?). To me that means this: I can't help the M reach it's potential if I first, don't work to get to MY full potential. Make sense?

We've all heard the motto "a team is only as strong is it's weakest link"... I see my job in R as not being that weak link. And not just that but also making sure that for our M sake, that I do everything in my power to make sure that my link is as strong as it can be.... unbreakable! That's all I can do..... be responsible for my link. I can't control what my WW does with hers, can't do the work for her. WW has to do the same with her link so that when we connect them together..... there is nothing that can pull us apart again.

So I would say, "YES". This must be done before you work on the M. At worst, do them at the same time but the first priority is YOU. I did not do this at first. I did everything for the M first and put my own needs second. After a little bit of time.... I realized I had no clue of who I was and what MY needs were / are (still a work in progress).

SO for me that meant trying new things, working out, taking time for ME. Doing things that I wanted and what I felt would help me. Sure I work on the M in MC and talk to WW, etc and try to "work on us" and all that. BUT..... If I have a workout at 9am and WW scheduled a MC meeting at 9, then we are changing the MC time, not my workout. I am putting my needs first.

If I am not feeling like spending time with WW then I ask for space and go do something for ME. WW would get upset and say ask "how are we going to get through this if you don't want to be around me". At first, I'd cave (trying not to be selfish) and stay and be miserable with the WW. Where did that get us? I didn't feel any better and I'm sure that did nothing "good" towards our R. Now, I do something for me and I usually come back feeling better. I think more clearly and I have an opportunity to "sort thru" things, so to speak.

I know I'm rambling here but I guess I would offer this suggestion. Don't spend all you time and effort charging crazily ahead to save your M. Take a step back and get to know YOU... the real YOU. R takes a ton of time and energy..... You're not going to "fix" things right then and there so slow down and breathe a little. See what YOU are made of, what YOU want, what YOU like. You'll then be in a better position to help R your M.

Just my opinion. It's not being selfish or lack of effort on your part. To me, this is where the true recover comes from.

Work in progress for ME..... but I'm not stopping!

Good Luck


Me - MH (41) Her - MH (41)
DS's - 11,8,5
Her DD 10-4-14, Mine 8-28-12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I am not feeling like spending time with WW then I ask for space and go do something for ME. WW would get upset and say ask "how are we going to get through this if you don't want to be around me". At first, I'd cave (trying not to be selfish) and stay and be miserable with the WW. Where did that get us? I didn't feel any better and I'm sure that did nothing "good" towards our R. Now, I do something for me and I usually come back feeling better. I think more clearly and I have an opportunity to "sort thru" things, so to speak.

I'm stuck at this point. Part of me wants to go out with friends and focus on me, but then I'm terrified of leaving WS alone because I'm scared he'll feel rejected or excluded, and find someone else. And I'm scared that I won't know that he's seeing someone else. Did you feel this same fear when you would leave your WS alone to do activities you wanted to do? How did you cope with it?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
Beautifulmind
♂ 38361
Member # 38361
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely -

I'm stuck at this point. Part of me wants to go out with friends and focus on me, but then I'm terrified of leaving WS alone because I'm scared he'll feel rejected or excluded, and find someone else. And I'm scared that I won't know that he's seeing someone else. Did you feel this same fear when you would leave your WS alone to do activities you wanted to do? How did you cope with it?

I had the same concerns you shared for the first couple months. That's when I realized MY "feelings" were the only thing I could control.. What WW felt or didn't feel wasn't / isn't my concern.I couldn't / can't force her to love me, choose me, etc.. She's gonna do what she's gonna do.

As I spent more time searching and working on ME, I got to the point where I realized.... I'm a pretty good dude! I am strong and healthy and as much as I want to stay M, I'd be more than fine if I wasn't. I stopped letting fear rule me. Like I said, it's still a work in progress but I FUCKING LIKE MYSELF! (Sorry for shouting and cursing but after feeling worthless and miserable for so long..... it feels pretty damn good).

I have to add this also.... It was easier to do when WW started "doing the work" and showing remorse, etc.. But even then, I figure that because I was getting my stuff together, if she DIDN'T do those things, I would have been strong enough with ME to kick her ass to the curb and move on.

Fear of the unknown can be debilitating, been there done that. By investing in MYSELF, the fear started to subside.

Hope this helps

[This message edited by Beautifulmind at 1:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me - MH (41) Her - MH (41)
DS's - 11,8,5
Her DD 10-4-14, Mine 8-28-12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have some ideas on how to do this? Other than resuming my workouts, I'm kind of at a loss. I see my friends when I can, but with kids at home it's tough. How do I find me after the me I thought I was for 15 years is so lost?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm terrified of leaving WS alone because I'm scared he'll feel rejected or excluded, and find someone else. And I'm scared that I won't know that he's seeing someone else. Did you feel this same fear when you would leave your WS alone to do activities you wanted to do?

I'm terrified...
I'm scared...
feel this fear..

Lonelygirl10, I challenge you to live an authentic life!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
cancuncrushed
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me recommend this book. . I am 5 yrs out. I still struggle, I had extreme ptsd. ANd my H still denies. THis books is so spot on, Each paragraph makes you stop and ponder, and it makes you look at your marriage with a clearer mind. It does this for me. Its awsome. Transcending post-infidelity stress disorder. By dennis ORtman. I will definitely be reading it twice. It describes a BS from DD to recovery. ANd the steps needed. Mostly the steps identified. You are not crazy. Ive read alot of books. They are all helpful. I found this one to be the best, I wish I had read it first.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1106 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have some ideas on how to do this?

IC, close friend and mentors along with books. Arm yourself with tools -- then move forward with new behaviors and actions.

Make a bucket list with a minimum of 100 activities. Yes. 100 things you'd like to do before you die. Small. Medium. Large. 100 or more things you can imagine doing, eating, going, trying, living...

The goal is to get you to start THINKING outside of your comfort zone.

Here, I'll help you start:
1. Learn to say "No, Thank You" and mean it.
2. Read "Transcending post-infidelity stress disorder" By Dennis Ortman

Choose 2 items off the bucket list. DO THEM!!!!

Hint: Focus on Fun. (not fear of failure) Accept the possibility of failure.

ETA: It's not just about adding new, positive actions and people to your life. It's also about removing the toxic ones.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 6:15 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same concerns you shared for the first couple months. That's when I realized MY "feelings" were the only thing I could control.. What WW felt or didn't feel wasn't / isn't my concern.I couldn't / can't force her to love me, choose me, etc.. She's gonna do what she's gonna do.

I understand this rationally. I think the main thing holding me back is fear of him being with someone else and me not knowing about it. If I know about it, I'll walk away. But what if I don't know about it? What if I'm living my life and being with him, and I don't know? I used to be the way you described pre-Dday. I would focus on me. I went out with friends. I had the attitude of I can't control what he does. But then I learned that he had been seeing someone else for 4 months, and I had no clue. He told me he was napping or with male friends, and I just believed him. So now I'm terrified to leave him alone. I'm scared to do anything or go anywhere without him. I'm scared of being the dumb girl that doesn't know what he's doing. I don't know how to let go of the fear.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
Beautifulmind
♂ 38361
Member # 38361
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I COMPLETELY understand your fear and I lived them just as you are now. The first few months I was paralyzed by it and to make matters worse, I was 500 miles away working out of state. Talk about scared!

Coming to this place where I am getting to (still have a degree of fear that I don't know if it will ever leave) is a process and it involves many steps.

Firstly, You don't feel "safe".....You were betrayed! It is your WS's role to fix that, not by words but by actions. What is he doing to make you feel safe? Has the A ended, did he write NC letter, is he transparent, remorseful, doing IC/MC, etc.. Is he doing the things you specifically ask for? For me, this meant "checking in" A LOT so I knew her whereabouts. Notifying me immediately if "plans" had changed. Removing herself from "Toxic" friendships and activities. No "deleting" of email, voice mail, call history. He has to show you through his actions, not words, that he can make you feel "safer" with him.

A common saying here is to "trust but verify". Simply put.... check up on his ass! I checked phone records, installed a VAR in her car, read her emails, texts,etc.. I had access to everything and I did all of it.... and it was maddening to me. After a while, I started to get a "baseline" as to her behavior. What was "normal" and what wasn't. As I started to feel a little bit "safer", I checked less and less and was able to use that time and use it for ME.

Secondly, you hear it hear all the time.... trust your gut. Not sure how you "found out". Did you suspect something "off" with him and investigate? That is your gut telling you something and it will do the same down the road, god forbid, it was to happen again. Some people were "Blind sided" (ME) but looking back at it.... I missed a TON of red flags that I will never dismiss again. Hell, I questioned her on those things and was lied to and went on my merry way.... oblivious.... trusting.... naive. That will never happen again because I am armed with knowledge now. If something is "off" now, I bring it up, no matter how small. I have to make sense of it right then and there. I assume NOTHING! Where there is smoke... there is fire. I have also come to terms with this. No matter how much I try and no matter how well she does all these things I mentioned, it can always happen again. If it does, I might not find out about it right away... but I will find out eventually and that will be all I need. Yea, it would suck to have to go through all that again but at least I know that I am going to be fine because of the work I'm doing on ME. That being said, she'd have to be one hell of a con artist to pull it off a second time with what I know now.

Anyway, not sure if this helps but he has to do ALL of this for YOU. No gripes or concessions or bargaining! All Of It! And honestly, he should be bending over backwards to give you this as an opportunity to "show" you.

Good luck!


Me - MH (41) Her - MH (41)
DS's - 11,8,5
Her DD 10-4-14, Mine 8-28-12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
TheRealDeal
♀ 39560
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be the way you described pre-Dday. I would focus on me. I went out with friends. I had the attitude of I can't control what he does

Gently, you still cannot control his actions, regardless of the circumstances.


So now I'm terrified to leave him alone. I'm scared to do anything or go anywhere without him. I'm scared of being the dumb girl that doesn't know what he's doing. I don't know how to let go of the fear

I'm only a few months into this too but my IC quickly threw the word "co-dependent" at me. I had no idea what it really, truly meant. I certainly do now and can admit it's me.

I am finding MYSELF - someone I had lost over the past many years. As Beautifulmind said - it feels AWESOME.

I am coming to accept that I can control only myself, my actions, my feelings. there isn't one damn thing I can do about WS and his actions.

As you learn more about yourself, which includes both your strengths and weaknesses, you will by default come into your own. You will truly find yourself. In codependency term they call part of this process "detach".
"Detach" = the SI 180

Its a totally new concept for me. I never felt I was worth putting myself first. Never thought I deserved for that to occur. I wanted to be what other people thought I should be. I had opinions but would put them aside to be agreeable. I had no boundaries. If you needed something to be done, I tried to do it for you. I wanted control over things I had no control over (his thoughts, feelings, why won't he change that habit, etc). this is codependency.

All these things I'm actively working on and will continue to work on. He was the catalyst of this shitstorm but I am taking responsibility for MY own issues.

My focus is on me. I want to find myself, know myself, and like myself. And I'm finding I'm pretty damn likeable!

people I've known for years are noticing the differences and comment. WS notices differences and comments.

But most of all - I notice the differences in myself and perhaps for the first time in my 44 years I like myself.

I won't stop what I'm doing (IC, CODA group, reading many self-help books, exercising, joining community college classes,etc) because I know I am on the right path. It's a journey that I've undertaken and one that will continue for me.

Don't get me wrong, the shit WS throws my way is still horrible. I have good days and bad days. I know I must stronger about setting boundaries and other things.

but as I personally grow stronger it makes it somewhat easier to deal with...because I am no longer reacting to his actions out of fear. My inner-strength takes over instead.

wishing you peace and hoping you begin to find yourself. It is so worth it - I promise.


Me: 46 him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1, DDay2, Dday 3: March thru June 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Secondly, you hear it hear all the time.... trust your gut. Not sure how you "found out". Did you suspect something "off" with him and investigate? That is your gut telling you something and it will do the same down the road, god forbid, it was to happen again.

I think this is the hardest part for me to get over. I didn't know. I didn't suspect. One morning he just confessed everything to me. The double life caught up to him, and OW filed charges against him when she found out he was dating me. So, he just confessed. I had no clue that it was going on. He lied so convincingly to me, and he probably could have gotten away with never telling me if he hadn't gotten arrested. He had a ONS a year before, and I never found out about that. He saw the OW for four months... she slept at his house. And I had no clue. How is that even possible? How did I not pick up on it? So, I live in fear now. I live in fear that he'll do it again, and I won't pick up on it. That I won't suspect anything. That I'll be having sex with him, and not know he's having sex with someone else.

He is transparent. I think it's hard since we don't live together though. We use facebook messenger, which shows me his location every time he sends me a message. I don't know how to check up on him when he says he's taking a nap though, which was a common excuse he used during the A. Or if he says that he's at home alone.. how do I really know he's alone? OW stayed whole weekends at his house, and I had no clue.

I felt inspired after reading this thread last night, and felt stronger. It lasted for about 12 hours, and I'm already feeling scared again. I'm going to visit an out of town friend tomorrow, but I'm not staying the night. I can't stay the night because I want to come back so I can see WS because I'm scared to leave him alone on a Saturday night. I feel embarrassed to say that, but I don't know how to let the fear go.

I'm only a few months into this too but my IC quickly threw the word "co-dependent" at me. I had no idea what it really, truly meant. I certainly do now and can admit it's me.

I had a few people say that word to me on SI, and started doing some reading on it. I can see some things that I can admit I do or think. I'm in IC, and I'm working on it. I'll have an "aha" moment, but then when I'm really forced to make a decision, my fear controls me.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On D-Day, minutes after confessing, my W committed to R. OTOH, I was in shock and didn't think I could make a good decision then, so I held back. I knew I didn't want to R (only) out of fear. I felt I needed to work through a lot of grief, fear, and anger before I could know what I wanted.

I also saw that my W was terribly messed up. That made me think I'd need a lot of strength to R, because she'd need a lot of support from me - support I couldn't give while I was still bleeding emotionally.

So I had to get my own healing started before I could commit myself to R.

I worked on the M during that period, but my focus was feeling and releasing my own grief, anger, and fear.

I hope that helps.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10754 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to do this...the very first step for me was simply thinking about myself.
During down time or when I was really frustrated, I simply tried to turn my thoughts from HIM and the Marriage, to thoughts of ME.
Sounds simple, but it is not. Not after all the crisis we've been through.
I began thinking of things I would like to try, pieces of myself I'd left behind long ago, what I would do over if I could magically redo things-not regrets-just things I would add.
Things like buying my OWN house, traveling, writing, yoga, tanning, pampering.
Maybe I did some of these things during the marriage too, but now I think about them for ME. Without any other reference or frame of thought. Without worrying what anyone would think, or how my family would react.
If I want to wear blue nail polish I damn well will.
You know, the little things :)


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I find me after the me I thought I was for 15 years is so lost?
I really struggled with this, too. I discovered that nothing had really changed about *me*. I had just really attached my value to the idea of the M, so things went downhill in the M and I felt lost. I had to rediscover my self-respect, my self worth... it had been there all along, but had been buried under a bunch of crap that I THOUGHT was important.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 10:54 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
sadone29
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it's really made me look at myself and why I keep repeating the same relationship patterns. I had no idea what H was doing for so many years, but I knew there was a distance and a disconnect. Why did I choose to stay? Why wouldn't I care about myself enough to stand up for myself and say 'hey, something's wrong here'?

Since DDay, I've really come to see that I have most of the personality traits of an adult child of an alcoholic. I've gone through life without a roadmap. I've had no idea what normal is. This has caused me to bury my feelings, have no boundaries in relationships, and put everyone else's needs before my own. I have also been loyal to those who didn't deserve it.

So my healing involves learning what is normal and healthy in my own view of myself and what's normal in a healthy relationship. I will no longer place my undying loyalty to someone who doesn't deserve it.

H and I are not in R. We still live together, but we are focusing on ourselves for now. It doesn't mean we don't talk about our issues though. We have clear boundaries of what is and isn't accepted during this time of recovery.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 12:11 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

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