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Validation... Do I need it??

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needhelptoday posted 8/22/2013 13:37 PM

This is note to anyone out there who feels the way I do on the subject of validation.

I constantly need validation from other women. Especially girls that are attractive. I could be out grocery shopping, be at a mall, getting gas for my car, etc it doesn't matter the second I see a girl I find attractive I have to look at her to see if she will smile back at me. If she smiles back at me it makes me feel alive inside and good about myself. I need to get passed doing this and always feeling that I need this validation but I don't know how to do this. Why does it matter if another woman stares at me..really I'm married. But I find this so hard not to look..can anyone help!

stilllovinghim posted 8/22/2013 14:33 PM

Why do you think you need validation from women? It feels good, yes, why else? What about validation from men? How do you think you can evolve how you seek validation from men to be the same as how you seek it from women? As in, if looking for validation from men is something you feel you don't need, why is that? How can you turn that feeling of not relying or depending on another mans opinion, could give two shits, etc and make those same thoughts and feelings about a women's opinion, kwim?

silverhopes posted 8/22/2013 15:12 PM

I think slhim asks a good question. Why women more than men?

So you're finding it hard to stop looking for validation from other women's reactions to you. Think of it as building a new habit, not just unlearning an old one. What is the validation you keep looking for, specifically, what is the commentary you read in another woman's glance? Does it bother you that you don't affirm it for yourself? Or turn to your wife instead?

What are things you feel good about within yourself that you don't need anyone else's validation for? Is there a way you can immediately think of those things instead when you get the urge to look to another woman for validation?

How can you change the habit to a) do something else instead and b) to make the original habit unappealing to you?

hopefulmother posted 8/22/2013 15:16 PM

I wonder if my fWH feels that way?

He had that as part of his issues for the A too.

Just a question:

Did you get that as a teenager? My H was the nerd, not a circle of girls getting his number or being friends. So, as an adult he seemed to be eating up this sudden attention that women give him.

Audrina posted 8/22/2013 16:14 PM

I was going to ask the same question as hopefulmother.

My WS was rejected by a lot of girls/women in his teens and twenties and it was a shot to his self esteem.
His mother also was verbally and physically abusive to him.

I think these contributed to his seeking validation and attention from other women.

Hopeforredemptio posted 8/22/2013 19:58 PM

Hi need help. First of all I understand what you mean. Validation from women has dominated my life. From early teens until now (mid 40's) it has often led to affairs. In reality this behavior has destroyed me, my marriage and my wonderful wife. I wish I could tell you some magical way to "get over it" but I can't. All I can say is that I find journaling throughout the day keeps the need to be in charge of my behavior in the forefront. Thinking of the pain I have caused and live in now, and thinking of it often helps to curb the high that comes from validation. Only you truly know if you love your wife and want a healthy marriage. For me this is how I keep that lifelong behavior from regaining a foothold in my life. I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

needhelptoday posted 8/24/2013 12:56 PM

Thank you all for the feedback!

I feel the need to explain myself further to the responses I've received. What I mean when I say I need validation from other women. I need that self gratification that when a pretty woman looks at me and smiles I feel alive and it makes me feel so good about myself. For the life I'm finding it extremely difficult not to look at other woman..My wife uses the phrase that I'm "GAWKING" meaning that I look for at least 3 to 5 secs before I look away. Yesterday my wife and I were at a restaurant and she said at least a 1/2 dozen times I looked at other women that were walking by our table towards me and each of them I spent at least 5 secs starring at them. I beg to differ on this and I told her so and we ended up getting into an argument about it later that night. I'm not saying I didn't look but I did not continuous look for the 5 secs she describes. My wife would prefer that I don't look at any girl at all period but that is impossible to do. You see when the waitress asked me for my order I looked at her to answer her question not because I wanted to jump into bed with her but to be polite. I was taught at a young age that when someone asks you a question the polite thing to do is to look them in the eyes when you answer their question.

What I find extremely hard to do especially when I am out in public with my wife is when I see a good looking girl walking towards me not to look at her at all. I find this so hard not to look even if it is a very quick look I feel I have to and I don't know how to stop doing's killing my wife and it is disrespectful to her and I don't want to hurt her anymore. She more or less told me that if I cannot control the urge to look at other women than we don't have a future this fair???

What do you think? I'm I insane or must I learn control and if so how do I do cut back on this sexual urge

Please help?


uncertainone posted 8/24/2013 13:03 PM

She more or less told me that if I cannot control the urge to look at other women than we don't have a future this fair???

I'm not fond of the whole "fair" thing but it sure as shit is healthy...for her. I don't think this has anything to do with validation.

Through your whole post I keep hearing the theme for National Geographic. Imagining a lion watching prey. You're not looking at women. You're looking at parts of women and that's something you need to figure out. Are you a collector? One is good more is better?

1DumbHusband posted 8/25/2013 01:02 AM

I will add my $.02 because I can relate. One of the big reasons my wonderful BS is so hurt and confused is that I sought validation from other women too. After being caught talking online to women and promising my BS that I would never have inappropriate contact with another woman, I flirted with a fellow classmate when I went away for a work related trip. This was only a few weeks after I had written a letter to my wife promising to be a better person. In our talks as we try to get as much information as to the cause of my infidelity, one reason is my lack of self esteem growing up. I was the proverbial "fat kid" growing up. I had a lot of crushes on girls but never had a girlfriend til I was a senior in high school. So all those years of rejection had an affect on me. I was always seeking validation as I got older from women. Fast forward to my beautiful BS and I getting together. Here I am, with a gorgeous wife who's completely out of my league, and I do something horrible and despicable to her. She is clearly the most beautiful, most intelligent, and most compatible person for me and yet something inside me felt the need to be validated from someone else. For me, I have stopped seeking that validation in any form. I have been reminding myself that the only validation that matters is my wife's and her willingness to work towards R. I like Hopeforredemption's advice. I will find ways to constantly remember the hurt I've caused so that I never feel the urge to be tempted to seek that validation ever again.

RemorsefulWH posted 8/25/2013 03:08 AM

needhelptoday - I can whole heartedly relate to validation and how some of your behaviour may be related to this, however, you refer to this as a "sexual urge" and I think uncertainone is correct it sounds predatory, why wouldn't your devastated broken BS feel this is a deal breaker? I haven't behaved in the way you describe (although that in no way excuses what I have done) but I know as soon as I started to 'get it' I was that concerned about how any interaction with a female could be translated that I tend to keep my head down, look away if I accidentally make eye contact in passing and my BS orders the food at times. I don't care about whether it seems rude it's a precaution and is to make my BS feel more comfortable. I hope this doesn't sound too critical but consider if your wife was acting this way and staring at other men in the hope they would look at her. How would you feel?

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