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whatamidoing posted 8/22/2013 13:58 PM

Short backstory
Marriage was in trouble
Surprise WH was having and affair 3++years exact date is unknown
TT and gaslight and false R for 15 months as we proceed with separation and I am almost done D
I separated our finances and possessions Etc he did nothing but lie and cheat
OW thinks she is his wife and he owes her something
His family had OW to the cottage this summer all the while WH doesn't acknowledge she is in the picture
My daughter is 17 and refused to go and is losing contact with his side of the family
Son was tricked into going but didn't want to he is only 10 so ... My POS STBXH just doesn't get anything and is making bad choice after bad choice and I hate my life as I work with him and want the kids to have a good life but he is an idiot...

Ok so I have tried to NC and I have tired to nice him back and I tried to show him reality but nothing stopped this BS affair!
So here is what I think I need to do to move on and forgive and live a life that doesn't suck
I want to sit down OW STBXH and his family and go over the truth of the past few years
Then I want them to know how hurt and disappointed I am in all of them
Then I want to explain how I think we can make the best of this
I will work with STBXH and drop anger resentment etc as long as he goes to counselling and works on finding himself and is held to a very strict truth policy (no lies for any reason and no more chances)
OW is expected to be patient and kind as my kids adjust and she will not speak Ill of me and now that she knows what happened she will have empathy for my situation and understand that I may have a less than glowing moment from time to time but I will support this and wish for plans to be communicated ASAP(I know it will come from here as WH can't keep organized )
From his family I expect kind and respectful treatment of my kids and if they are inviting them etc I expect to be asked and informed. I will send all info about the kid to WH and his family
I want my family to be special and since some of the people inside my family have such poor boundaries I just want the air clear and the boundaries set and the info our there so that I can be understood and respected
I don't need them to like me
I just need to be able to make this work for my kids
I have to be able to like my life and right now with all the lies and poor treatment and disrespect I feel loathing and stress

What do you think
Is it a good idea
Could it work and make my life better for me and my kids and everyone.

Ideas and input needed

Tearsoflove posted 8/22/2013 14:14 PM

I think a big meeting with that many people on "the other side" could turn into a huge ambush for you. If you do it, you need to have the expectation that it is not going to go the way you want.

You are trying to control things you can't control. You think you're going to sit down and tell it like it is and everyone is going to put down their delusions and suddenly get it. You couldn't say the "right words" to fix the marriage and you can't say the "right words" to fix the issues with his family. Further, as soon as you try to explain the "truth of the last five years", it's likely to turn into a screaming match of he said/she said and you didn't do this or you did do that. On top of that, you think you're going to hold a proven liar to telling the truth all of a sudden. If he had no problem lying while you were married, why do you think he's suddenly going to have an epiphany and be honest? Be cause you think he should? Think again.

No promise of "I'll support your relationship" is going to get him or her to admit what flawed people they are. People rarely admit they are screwed up.

So if you want to move forward and deal with the situation, just do that for yourself and skip the big meeting. I'm thinking you'll regret giving an entire family of people who condone an affair the chance to turn the knife they already stuck in your back.

Phoenix1 posted 8/22/2013 14:25 PM


You are setting yourself up for monumental disappointment and heartache. There is nothing you can say or do that will make them suddenly see the light and own their actions. These idiots have their head so far up their ass it would take surgical intervention to pull it out.

Start thinking about you and your kids. NC except for what is absolutely necessary. Don't let them know how much they have emotionally destroyed you as that gives them power over you. Depending on your situation (and you know better than anyone), you may be able to have a discussion with your STBXH to discuss the easiest way to get thru this (I did that with mine), but remember that he is NOT your friend and does NOT have your best interests in mind. I would skip the big meeting as that would be a disaster waiting to happen, and you will be the one to suffer the most.

Good luck!

whatamidoing posted 8/22/2013 14:27 PM

I have fear and I see how what you said likely will happen
I don't know how to move on with my life like this
I have been trying since march and here is sit knee deep in his shit still
Do I just let my kids loose
Do I just let everyone treat me like this
I am giving and patient and loving and I want to live a life like that
I can't have a life without him ( god knows I would like to) so I just want some portion of a life I think is good
How do it get what I want without telling the truth and asking for some sort of rules of behaviour ?

Tearsoflove posted 8/22/2013 14:32 PM

You're divorced. You have limited contact that only relates to the kids. You don't have family get togethers with his side of the family. And you find something you enjoy doing for yourself and start doing it. When the kids are with him, you're doing your thing.

You don't have to involve yourself in the toxic relationships you've had with him and his family anymore. If you can't coparent, start reading about parallel parenting. The further out you get from this and the less contact you have with all of them, the better you will get at it.

Nature_Girl posted 8/22/2013 14:34 PM

Gently, this is one of the worst ideas I've ever read here. There is no way I can envision this scenario playing out that does not end with you utterly humiliated & defeated.

You're trying to control other people. You cannot.

You're trying to bargain to control the outcome. You cannot.

You're trying to project an appearance of civility & maturity. That's just bullshit.

You need to walk away from your STBX, OW, his family, whoever else, and keep walking. You cannot fix crazy, you cannot cure stupid, you cannot control other adults.

The only control you have is over yourself. You can possibly have some influence over your children, but even then, ultimately, they control themselves, too.

I hope you are in IC. ((((HUGS))))

7yrsflushed posted 8/22/2013 14:38 PM

Is it possible for you to get another job? I ask because I agree with the others and suspect that workign with your STBXH every day is keeping you from truly detaching. He and his family seem toxic and you can only control your own actions. So figure otu what YOU can do to have an impact on your situation and move forward with making it happen. Do you have custody orders or PSA in place that address the children. That won't make anyone treat your kids nice but it will allow you to limit the time they spend with his family if possible. I wish you the best.

whatamidoing posted 8/22/2013 14:42 PM

Ok thanks
Stupid idea
I do it all the time for work
Get everyone on board,make a plan and move forward and it is positive and gets the most people doing their best for the same cause and I just thought I could don't for this
You're right
Sorry that was a dumb idea

Dreamboat posted 8/22/2013 14:43 PM

You are trying to control things you can't control


There is nothing that you can do or say that will make your stbx be a good father or his family to be good relatives to your kids. Please repeat this to yourself again and again because it is a very hard thing to accept. It took me years to accept that reality.

In addition, this type of meeting would only be giving them ammunition to further hurt you and the kids. You cannot trust any of them, why do you think asking them to act rational will make an impact? And OW, she just may do the exact opposite of what you ask just to spite you.

Your energy would be better spent putting hard boundaries in place and teaching your kids how to deal with the crazy. When I say hard boundaries, things like all communication about visitation should be done by you and never ever thru your kids; you will not allow 10 yr old visit unless you know exactly where he will be; etc.

And about OW:

and now that she knows what happened she will have empathy for my situation

That will never ever happen. She is not capacble of having empathy for you. Do not ever expect it, and in fact expect the opposite. You are her enemy in her mind, the evil X wife who was mean to her poor schmoopie while you were M to him.

Also do not expect your X to stop lying. That also will never ever happen. Lying has become a way of life an a habit for him. My X will lie about the stupidest things just because...I don't even know why. But I know that if he tells me the sky is blue, I better get independent confirmation because it is likely orange or gray or black.

I know this is discouraging, but I do hope it helps you come to terms with your idiot X and his family and whore.


Nature_Girl posted 8/22/2013 14:49 PM

Ok thanks
Stupid idea
I do it all the time for work
Get everyone on board,make a plan and move forward and it is positive and gets the most people doing their best for the same cause and I just thought I could don't for this
You're right
Sorry that was a dumb idea

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but your response sounds like you actually think conducting a business meeting at work is the same thing as gathering together the players in your family infidelity drama. It sounds like you think since this idea works in a business setting where everyone is basically on the same page already and are not daily & actively involved in destroying each other's intimate lives & family, that THAT is the same thing as staging some kind of intervention with the OW, STBX and his family.

Is that what you're implying? That since you know how to run a successful business meeting you therefore can successfully navigate a meeting such as what you're proposing?

Phoenix1 posted 8/22/2013 14:51 PM

Do I just let my kids loose
Do I just let everyone treat me like this

Unfortunately, the kids almost always end up on the losing side with these douchebags. It is sad and heartbreaking to watch as a parent, but all you can do is provide them unending love and support, possibly with counseling if you can swing it.

And NO, you do not let them treat you like that! Find your inner bitch and channel it. NC is your best friend, as much as you can do if you have no choice but to work with him. Is there anyway you can change that situation? Can you stop working with him and do something else? That would help you tremendously if that is possible.

Remember, the best revenge is to live a successful life. They don't need to know about the pits of despair and sadness you sometimes find yourself in, and believe me, we all have those moments. Let them see you as confident, in control, and able to move on without all their lies and drama. Don't pet the drama llama as it will only create more misery for you.

I understand completely about wanting to live an authentic life without all the bullshit and anger, and only you can make that happen.

We are pulling for you!

Dreamboat posted 8/22/2013 14:52 PM

Do I just let everyone treat me like this

No. You limit interaction with them as much as possible and when you are in contact with them then you demand respect. They can say whatever behind your back, that does not affect you or your life. But to your face they are kind to you or you tell them that their words and/or actions against you are unacceptable.

I am giving and patient and loving and I want to live a life like that

This is your chance to live your life just like this. Hold you head high and take the high road. Those people cannot not compete with your morals or your kindness.

And accept that living a good life will not keep them from badmouthing you. Sandra Bullock took the high road and has never said anything about Jesse James or their M. And yet Jesse James still bad mouths her and she gets to read it in the media. Regardless, she stays on that high road. Not because it is fun or easy but because that is the kind of life she wants to live.

Again, I HTH. And more ((((hugs))))

Reality posted 8/22/2013 14:53 PM

Not a dumb idea, What. Just more hopeful than realistic.

Remember, you're not dealing with business professionals. You're dealing with people that have already shown serious emotional... gaps in understanding.

They aren't going to respond the same, even if you were able to stuff "wet cats in a sack" together.

Walk away. Don't try to manage the variables. They don't matter. YOU matter. Your kids matter. Give yourself the gift of freedom of caring.

Tearsoflove posted 8/22/2013 14:55 PM

Sorry that was a dumb idea

It's not a dumb idea when you're dealing with rational people who want the same outcome. You're not. You're dealing with emotional, irrational people who think you were the enemy in your marriage and don't actually want their minds to be changed about that because it allows them to keep your ex-husband in good graces. In a work environment, most people would like to have work flow smoothly so they can let it go at the end of the day. In an affair situation, drama feeds it and keeps it going.

Continue to be the diplomat at work but with your ex, his OW, and his family, you need to be focused on protecting yourself and your kids.

whatamidoing posted 8/22/2013 15:01 PM

Yes I thought everyone working together would make everyone happier and if they knew the truth then I would feel less used and would hope for every one to know right from wrong and it's my hope that my STBXH has told all the lies that let the rest of them behave this way
I know thenOW is not blameless but I think she knows better too
I really would appreciate this approach and thought it could get us all moving forward
I don't want to control people I want people to want what I want! I know I know!

nowiknow23 posted 8/22/2013 15:07 PM

Honey - the absolute best way to "fix" a crazy situation is to remove yourself from it. Their crazy is NOT your issue. It's not your problem to solve.

The things you can control are:

Your exposure to the crazy.
Your reactions to the crazy.
Your parenting of your kids.

...and that's about it.

If they aren't already seeing someone, get your kids into counseling. Arm them with the tools they'll need to navigate the family they've got. Be there for them. Support them. Empower them.

Work on detaching from the circus. Let go of it. It will absolutely eat you alive if you don't.


[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 3:08 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Phoenix1 posted 8/22/2013 15:12 PM

I want people to want what I want!

Nothing wrong with that at all! Unfortunately, if these idiots were all rational human beings that thought the way we do then there would likely not be a need for this site! Remember, only crazy can understand crazy. That is why none of us can wrap our brains around their thinking or actions. It boggles our minds and is totally senseless, but to them it is normal and reasonable. You cannot be rational with the irrational.

Detach as much as you possibly can - physically and emotionally. That will give you the head space to start truly focusing on you and your kids.

Williesmom posted 8/22/2013 15:16 PM

It's not a dumb idea, just an unrealistic one.

There is only one person whose actions that you can control: yours. Do that, and step away from the chaos that your Wxh and OW have created.

Anything else is just feeding the drama llama.

You are trying to bring order from chaos. Step away. Step away. Step away.

Turn your focus inward.

Mandilwen posted 8/22/2013 19:15 PM

I haven't read your whole backstory, but reading the other posters, it seems that you are moving into a new grief process. That's good, you ARE moving on.

As far as your plan for a convo goes, it won't work. I had some of the same thoughts. And one night when I was alone, I had a cocktail and sat on my patio. I had my convo with ow and xh, in my head of course. It's better that way cause then they respond how I want them too. I knew it wouldn't work in reality, but it did help me to at least think I got my thoughts out.

It's very hard to let go of controlling an outcome. It took me awhile. There were two things I learned here that really helped. DETACH - don't even think about changing him/her. You can't. And I cannot control the actions of other people. Whenever the xh did/said something ridiculous, I repeated those through my head. It helps! I also believe those statements moved me into acceptance.

As long as you are strong and give lots of love to your kids, they won't lose. There are millions of liars, cheaters, and general assholes out there, your kids aren't alone. And don't be treated with disrespect if you don't want to. We teach people how to treat us everyday. Change it up and throw it back at not engaging.

I am curious as to why you can't have a life without him. Keep your head up, it will get better!

whatamidoing posted 8/22/2013 23:20 PM

thanks everyone
I would love to live without him but he is in my life for kids money debt issues and work
when he is away or I am away I feel lighter and free
I can't figure out how to let go and accept this life
I don't want any of it except I still have my kids and that I am grateful for everyday
I don't know why I feel the need to make everyone know the truth even though it will not change a thing
I don't know why I can't stand up and stop leting him take advantage of me
I don't know why I can't stop hoping this nightmare will stop
I can see how rediculous my train of thought is cause I expect everyone to act like me and its not likey
I know now is all that matter
I know I am In charge of my own happiness
I know I can't control other people
so why am I so messed up still ?
I go to IC and I say all the right things and I know what I know and I laugh about what a fool I am and hours later I am a messed up fool again
even as I am breaking NC or coming up with a plan to fix all this I know it's stupid
maybe cause I have only had one person break up with me
maybe cause I have low self esteem
maybe ??
I know I am not afraid to be alone in fact I have grown to like having my own room and schedule etc
I don't know what it is that stops me from doing the right thing
thanks again
I will keep plugging away

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