I am heartbroken. Numb. This is my second failed engagement in the past 5 years. I feel like a complete and utter failure.
Why in the world did he keep her a secret? This is so sad for all!!!
How did you find out? From him or someone else? This might impact my decision to try to work this out if I were you. But honestly, I'd be worried about what else he's been lying about all this time.
I wish I'd known my WH was a lying sack of shit before we wed, I'd have cut my losses then.
I asked him how he can sit there and know that he is nothing but a narcissistic psychopath who will lie at any cost to cover his own ass, and he said, I dunno. I guess I am a terrible person. With no expression in his face or eyes. It honestly just terrified me. He became a stranger to me in that instant.
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. First of all, you are NOT a failure. His actions have nothing to do with you.
It's best that you find out now rather than after you marry. You do need to find out why he hid it, not only from you, but his entire family all this time. The circumstances of that relationship may explain his actions. It could also be her mother's decision that he not be involved. Maybe she was in a relationship at the time and tried to pass the baby off as someone's else's. It could have been a one night stand. There are many possibilities besides deceit on his part.
I know it is not easy but my WS has a child from a previous relationship. However the baby was given up for adoption. I used to wonder and sometimes still do if he would ever go looking for his birth parents and how I would react or explain it to my family. It's been over 30 years now.
Right now, it's still a shock to you. Before you end your relationship, I would ask more questions and see where he's coming from. Take some time to process it all and cancel the wedding until you figure it all out. If your still not accepting of the situation then kick him to the curb but I think you need the whole story.
Food for thought: Had you found out sooner or in a different way, would it change how you feel now?
[This message edited by Alexa at 4:52 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
I am terrified to tell my family. My friends. EVERYONE knew we were getting married. I have yet another unused, worthless, wedding dress to store in my closet.
You do know everyone on the wedding invite list a explanation. That would overwhelm anyone.
I know it is sooooo 'over-done' to say "whelp better to find out now". It is true but I know it doesn't ease the pain at all.
This is my second failed engagement
[This message edited by EvenKeel at 3:12 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
He is what you say he is.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
These are not your actions. You have done NOTHING and I mean NOTHING wrong that will justify this betrayal.
No one is perfect but you did not prevent your F from being honest with himself, his family or you. These are HIS actions to own. His alone.
Head up. At least you are finding out before a wedding, a marriage and possibly children the moral fabric of your F.
Time to be tough and stand up for you. What do you want/demand for in any relationship?
Honesty? Truth? Transparency?
No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, however, we all also must be humble enough to admit our faults and work to correct our behaviors in order to ensure a better and different future.
Big hugs. I am so sorry you are hurting. Post often and know that there are a lot of caring and compassionate people here.
Good luck and God bless.
I wish I would have run at the red flags I had and they were no where near as serious as this.
Now I have two beautiful children who are broken hearted bc their dad up and left after dinner one day. Why? he couldn't tell me he wasn't happy, instead he just went out and got with a friend of mine ... for a year...let me hang out with her all that time.
Also, I'm curious as to why the child's mother decided to drop this in your lap now. My suspicious mind would be running away with that one.
ETA - I just wanted to again add how sorry I am you're dealing with this pain and betrayal. It really sucks.
[This message edited by Fireflies at 3:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
Your F has shown that he is good at keeping secrets from everyone. Even his family didn't know about this child. My question is, why does the mother of the child know about you, your name, your email? Did he tell her? Is she keeping tabs on him? When I found out about my WH's affair it was really creepy to me that someone knew all about me yet I didn't even know they existed. How loving is that to your wife or fiance?
I'm sorry that your fiance is dishonest. Its not your fault so don't think you failed in any way. The mother of that child did you a favor by letting you know. If your fiance had been up front with you in the first place her email would have just been dinner conversation. Instead, he hid the truth and she shined a light on his lies. The child is not the problem, the deception and lying is.
He is devastated and begging for forgiveness. I can't give him that. Too much. Too far gone.
Too much. Too far gone.
That's it in a nutshell.
Sometimes when you come across damaged goods you need to honor yourself to take a second look.
Is this really what you want in life...?
Stay strong (((((SOx2)))))!
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Your decision to be done with him is a wise one. You deserve better than him and his deception. You deserve an honest, open, loyal, loving partner and relationship.
I know these words do nothing to ease your pain and that you're hurting bad right now. Please be gentle with yourself. Remember that you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel ashamed and humiliated about. You did not fail - he is a failure as a human being. Good luck and take care of youself.