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StartingOverx2 posted 8/22/2013 14:18 PM

I just found out that the man I am (was) engaged to be married to in one month has a daughter, a 6 year old, from before we got together. That alone was upsetting to me. But in the last 24 hours, besides finding this out, and repeated confrontation, he finally came clean and told me, despite what he was insisting upon last night, he has know about this child and has neglected to tell me, and his entire family, about it. He has been paying child support the whole time, but didn't tell me any of it.

I am heartbroken. Numb. This is my second failed engagement in the past 5 years. I feel like a complete and utter failure.

Tred posted 8/22/2013 14:20 PM

Just for clarification, his 6yo daughter is from a relationship before you met, he just neglected to tell you about her and the fact that he was financially obligated to her?

StartingOverx2 posted 8/22/2013 14:25 PM

Yep. Neglected to tell me ANYTHING about her. Her existence, his paying support, everything. His entire family doesn't know either.

EvenKeel posted 8/22/2013 14:29 PM

Wow - that is huge! I am so sorry.

Why in the world did he keep her a secret? This is so sad for all!!!

Tred posted 8/22/2013 14:31 PM

That sucks, and is certainly a red flag. What is his relationship with the bio mother? Does he have any contact with her or the daughter, or is it strictly a financial issue? I know someone who had a kid from a one night stand (ONS) and ended up paying child support for 18 years. Never saw the kid, never saw the wife, but he didn't really advertise it to anyone because he wasn't real proud of it. What is his excuse for not telling you?

Fireflies posted 8/22/2013 14:32 PM

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You are not a failure at all, you did nothing wrong here. Your fiancé is the liar and manipulator.

How did you find out? From him or someone else? This might impact my decision to try to work this out if I were you. But honestly, I'd be worried about what else he's been lying about all this time.

I wish I'd known my WH was a lying sack of shit before we wed, I'd have cut my losses then.


StartingOverx2 posted 8/22/2013 14:59 PM

I didn't find out until the child's mother emailed me the other night. I confronted; he denied, denied, denied. He swore up and down it wasn't true. And then, today, he decided to tell me. He just told his sister. No one in his family knew either. He's a psychopath who kept it from everyone.

I asked him how he can sit there and know that he is nothing but a narcissistic psychopath who will lie at any cost to cover his own ass, and he said, I dunno. I guess I am a terrible person. With no expression in his face or eyes. It honestly just terrified me. He became a stranger to me in that instant.

StartingOverx2 posted 8/22/2013 15:00 PM

I am terrified to tell my family. My friends. EVERYONE knew we were getting married. I have yet another unused, worthless, wedding dress to store in my closet.

Alexa posted 8/22/2013 15:10 PM

The post below is now retracted after seeing the post just minutes prior to this. I would be extremely concerned with his lies and keeping this child from everyone. That fact that he denied it when you were emailed from the baby momma is a deep concern. Honesty is the basis of a good relationship. If he can't be honest now, he probably won't be later. My heart goes out to you!

Initial post:
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. First of all, you are NOT a failure. His actions have nothing to do with you.

It's best that you find out now rather than after you marry. You do need to find out why he hid it, not only from you, but his entire family all this time. The circumstances of that relationship may explain his actions. It could also be her mother's decision that he not be involved. Maybe she was in a relationship at the time and tried to pass the baby off as someone's else's. It could have been a one night stand. There are many possibilities besides deceit on his part.

I know it is not easy but my WS has a child from a previous relationship. However the baby was given up for adoption. I used to wonder and sometimes still do if he would ever go looking for his birth parents and how I would react or explain it to my family. It's been over 30 years now.

Right now, it's still a shock to you. Before you end your relationship, I would ask more questions and see where he's coming from. Take some time to process it all and cancel the wedding until you figure it all out. If your still not accepting of the situation then kick him to the curb but I think you need the whole story.

Food for thought: Had you found out sooner or in a different way, would it change how you feel now?

[This message edited by Alexa at 4:52 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

EvenKeel posted 8/22/2013 15:12 PM

I am terrified to tell my family. My friends. EVERYONE knew we were getting married. I have yet another unused, worthless, wedding dress to store in my closet.

You do know everyone on the wedding invite list a explanation. That would overwhelm anyone.

I know it is sooooo 'over-done' to say "whelp better to find out now". It is true but I know it doesn't ease the pain at all.

This is my second failed engagement
Try not to look at it as your failed engagement - YOU DID NOTHING WRONG to cause this. This is all him.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 3:12 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Alexa posted 8/22/2013 15:14 PM

Ok I retract what I just said. We were posting at the same time.

He is what you say he is.

StartingOverx2 posted 8/22/2013 15:18 PM

My problem with this is that he only told me because I was emailed by the child's mother. It was a one night stand before we got together. That, I could deal with. Things happen and engaging in sex with someone, even a ONS, can result in a child. My problem is that he hid it our entire relationship-the fact that he has a child, that he was paying support the whole time, everything. He is not involved in the child's life other than paying support payments. And that's the situation he and the mother are fine with at this point. I am hung up on the fact that he lied at all about this, and even when confronted, he continued to lie, swore on his father's grave, etc. I don't know why he finally came clean today-maybe he was exhausted at the idea of continuing the facade; maybe he knew, despite being a master manipulator, that he was out of lies. But I truly feel he only came clean because he had no other choice-not because he had a come-to-Jesus and needed to tell me the truth.

1Faith posted 8/22/2013 15:19 PM



These are not your actions. You have done NOTHING and I mean NOTHING wrong that will justify this betrayal.

No one is perfect but you did not prevent your F from being honest with himself, his family or you. These are HIS actions to own. His alone.

Head up. At least you are finding out before a wedding, a marriage and possibly children the moral fabric of your F.

Time to be tough and stand up for you. What do you want/demand for in any relationship?

Honesty? Truth? Transparency?

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, however, we all also must be humble enough to admit our faults and work to correct our behaviors in order to ensure a better and different future.

Big hugs. I am so sorry you are hurting. Post often and know that there are a lot of caring and compassionate people here.

Good luck and God bless.

StartingOverx2 posted 8/22/2013 15:24 PM

Thank you all. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I will be needing your support, even just over the internet, more than I can fathom right now. So thank you.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/22/2013 15:28 PM

At the very least you have someone who isn't an honest person.

I wish I would have run at the red flags I had and they were no where near as serious as this.

Now I have two beautiful children who are broken hearted bc their dad up and left after dinner one day. Why? he couldn't tell me he wasn't happy, instead he just went out and got with a friend of mine ... for a year...let me hang out with her all that time.

Run please.

Fireflies posted 8/22/2013 15:36 PM

One of the best pieces of advice I got when I first posted on SI was not to feel pressured to make an immediate decision; to take the time I needed to figure everything out. I know the pressure you feel must be immense with your wedding a month away. But, take the time you need to take care of yourself. Postpone the wedding for now. You owe no one an explanation as to why.

Also, I'm curious as to why the child's mother decided to drop this in your lap now. My suspicious mind would be running away with that one.

ETA - I just wanted to again add how sorry I am you're dealing with this pain and betrayal. It really sucks.

[This message edited by Fireflies at 3:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

LearningToFly posted 8/22/2013 15:53 PM

My WH had a child before we met too. The child died soon after birth. When we were engaged, he went to have genetic testing to see if he carried a gene for what the child died from. I knew he was having testing but not why. I was worried sick. He let me worry and when the test came back okay (I guess) he told me that he was fine. It wasn't until AFTER we were married that I found out he got his girlfriend pregnant and broke up with her after that because he liked someone new. It was one of many lies of omission that have occurred in our marriage.

Your F has shown that he is good at keeping secrets from everyone. Even his family didn't know about this child. My question is, why does the mother of the child know about you, your name, your email? Did he tell her? Is she keeping tabs on him? When I found out about my WH's affair it was really creepy to me that someone knew all about me yet I didn't even know they existed. How loving is that to your wife or fiance?

I'm sorry that your fiance is dishonest. Its not your fault so don't think you failed in any way. The mother of that child did you a favor by letting you know. If your fiance had been up front with you in the first place her email would have just been dinner conversation. Instead, he hid the truth and she shined a light on his lies. The child is not the problem, the deception and lying is.

StartingOverx2 posted 8/22/2013 20:01 PM

That's exactly it. I could work on dealing with a child from before our relationship. I cannot deal with the deception once it came out.

He is devastated and begging for forgiveness. I can't give him that. Too much. Too far gone.

Getting to Happy posted 8/22/2013 22:57 PM

Too much. Too far gone.

That's it in a nutshell.

Sometimes when you come across damaged goods you need to honor yourself to take a second look.

Is this really what you want in life...?

Stay strong (((((SOx2)))))!

Fireflies posted 8/23/2013 07:16 AM


Your decision to be done with him is a wise one. You deserve better than him and his deception. You deserve an honest, open, loyal, loving partner and relationship.

I know these words do nothing to ease your pain and that you're hurting bad right now. Please be gentle with yourself. Remember that you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel ashamed and humiliated about. You did not fail - he is a failure as a human being. Good luck and take care of youself.

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