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How do you know if their were more OW?

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dovetool posted 8/22/2013 15:10 PM

I'm struggling with reconciliation. I feel like there must have been other women in the past too. He has admitted to flirting in the past but says he never crossed the line till he started with the OW.

I dont know if I believe him. I never thought he could have had an affair before but now I dont see why he didnt have others.He was flirting... I'm sure he could have met someone that was willing since he use to travel a lot for work. He had told me in the past before I found out who he was actually seeing that he was leaving me because he had two ONS and he wants to live that life. But after I found out he stated that he didnt actually have those ONS he just didnt want me to know who it was and the duration because I know the OW very well and didnt want me getting suspitious.

How do you know if there were other women (or men) in the past? How did you get your WS to admit to everything if there was? How do you believe them if they say there wasnt?

EvenKeel posted 8/22/2013 15:21 PM

But after I found out he stated that he didnt actually have those ONS he just didnt want me to know who it was and the duration

That would not pass the sniff test to me - trying to cover up one A but making up 2 ONS? Nope - not buying it.

But to answer your question - you can not make them admit to everything. That is all on them to own it and work for your belief if they want to truely R.

Kelany posted 8/22/2013 15:26 PM

I told him I wanted a polygraph. Suddenly, 3 more affair partners, including a 27 month affair all came out. I was horrified and devastated.

Tearsoflove posted 8/22/2013 15:28 PM

I decided to reconcile on my faith that he is telling the truth. I realize that he could be lying and there could be others that I may never know about. I hope he has a guilty enough conscience that he couldn't live with that. In any case, it ended up being a chance I chose to take.

Reality posted 8/22/2013 15:29 PM

I think the easy answer you'll see suggested here is to ask for a polygraph test. But, unfortunately, those aren't 100% reliable.

Basically, there is no easy answer other than to go with your gut and trust YOUR reactions to the information you glean.

I think part of that information, the whole two ONS claim, is true, additionally. No one makes up something that horrible to cover up something equally horrible. Freudian slip much?

People who choose terrible things tend to keep choosing terrible things unless something happens externally that makes them reassess internally. In other words, yeah, it's very possible there's more.

He thought it was the "pretty" story to tell you about two ONS. By that scale, the real story is much, much worse.

catlover50 posted 8/22/2013 18:01 PM

I actually asked this question on my H's polygraph. It was actually kind of an "add on" but I have been glad to have it.

He passed, and I do believe the results. I told him that I would believe the results either way. Our polygrapher was very professional.

My H had lied to me basically our whole relationship so why would I believe him at that time?

He's had a fresh start and finally realizes how liberating being honest can be.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 6:02 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

SmallButStrong posted 8/22/2013 19:15 PM

dovetool, I think I'm stuck where you are, too. My husband was quite the player before I married him, to the point that my mom begged me not to since she worked with him and knew his reputation. His ability to block emotion and compartmentalize makes it quite possible that this is not the first time.

My MC asked me, what if this wasn't the first OW? What would I do with that information? My answer is that I would be done. I can't live with the fact that the best years of my life were a complete farce.

I asked him to take a polygraph and he refused. Everyone tells me that I have my answer with that alone. He freaks out when I bring it up, and says it's the principle of it that makes him so angry. I say, look who's talking about principle!!

My MC says that if he refuses, I will have to accept never knowing. This is not good enough for me.

dovetool, would more OW mean the end of R for you? I think it would for me.

Maybe I'll be bringing up the polygraph again tonight and see if he's changed his tone. They're supposed to do ANYTHING for us to R, right?

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/22/2013 20:24 PM

I just kept asking after Dday. I kept sending him emails, and he kept swearing that the OW was the only one. I just kept asking and kept asking, and all of a sudden I got an email back that admitted to another OW.

It upset me so badly. He kept saying "I'm telling you the whole truth." And then I got this email stating all this other horrible, disgusting stuff.

RockyMtn posted 8/22/2013 21:05 PM

My D-Day 2 was discovering that there was another OW before the OW I knew about.

It is interesting because his A#2 would be more of a "gateway," meaning that it was a friendship that got too close, led to a kiss. Lots of "I don't want to be doing this" crap. Short. A#1 was graphic - graphic texts, conversations, etc. Off and on for months.

It would have made more sense to me if the shorter, less intense A came first - as sort of a warm-up to a bigger affair. As such, I continue to wonder how he went from faithful, never even tempted to have an A, to sending raunchy text messages within days of meeting the woman. So weird.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would expect cheating to be a slippery slope. You start by flirting with someone but it goes nowhere. Then the next person it gets flirtier and maybe you consider having an A. Then maybe an EA. Then a PA. Not that any of these is better or worse than the other in terms of betrayal, simply that (like with drugs), you experiment first, get your feet wet, before checking EVERYTHING off the list.

I also had not a clue when A#1 was going on. Not a single damn red flag. The only reason I found out about it is because OW2 knew OW1 and told me once I reached out to her. Which also makes me damn nervous - if his first A didn't even register with me, who knows if there were As before that.

So I can understand the fear that there must've been someone before, that there were other OPs. I feel that way sometimes, too. For me, now that I have true remorse, my gut tells me that he wouldn't hold back at this point. There is really nothing to lose. He's seen the light, so to speak. Then again, he is recovering from a really fucked up mindset through which he may convince himself that I could handle 2 As, but not 3.

Sigh. Tough shit, this is.

dovetool posted 8/22/2013 21:39 PM

Thank you everyone for your insight. It is just so confusing and I have no reason to believe him for all the lies he's told me before. He has been honest about the timeline of the affair and that he would flirt with other women out of town.

But I too don't believe that he went from flirting to a full fledged affair of over 2 years that easily. I feel like you would hesitate and it would take longer to get to that level if you've never done it before.

He is willing to take a lie detector test but I wouldn't put it past him to still deny it since we did have a bad reading in the past. He has been great and very remorseful but I can't help but wonder. He never told me who the OW was when we were reconciling because he thought that would blow his shot at a second chance.

If I found out through any other method but him telling me then I would take it as an indication that nothing has changed and to either be prepared to live that type of shitty life or move the eff on...

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