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Ellisyve posted 8/22/2013 19:24 PM

While on holiday- on a rare chance to be away from kids for 3 nights - my WH who is supposed to be trying to reconcile- barricaded himself in another room. We had had an argument- a quiet one as we dont raise voices- about his negative attitude towards doing anything fun on the holiday and his coldness to the children. We came home after a totally silent 10 min car trip I and went up to bed expecting he would follow once he had cooled down. He didnt. I woke up with all lights on and no sign of him. I eventually found a closed bedroom door downstairs and tried to open it but it was barricaded from the inside. He took ages to move things before opening it and was hostile. I asked him why he was there behind a barricaded door and he said I was irrational and he was afraid of me!!! It just was the biggest load of tripe I had ever heard for an excuse. I have never ever hurt him and would never want to. I fell asleep feeling teary and lost and he went and did what exactly?
IM not sure what to to think. Was he "doing stuff" online and didnt want an interruption? Was he satisfying himself? Was he cheating again? Or was he just being irrational himself and projecting that on me?
He said he didnt want me to burst in on him and attack him. When I was astounded that he could picture me doing this he modified it to pouring water on him!!! I was so shocked he would even think Id do something like that. I have been so reasonable and mostly just terribly sad and hurt about his affairs but I have never acted out in any physical way. Why does he think I would react so extremely now? Im really worried about his state of mind as he is frequently illogical and aggressive with me and the children. He is so far from the man I fell in love with its unbearable at times. All I can think of is that he is ill. Its the only thing stopping me from calling it a day. I dont understand why he hasnt left himself as he so obviously resents the children and dislikes me. He wont talk about the A at all, wont go to Ic or MC and its me and the kids on antidepressants- not him but I suspect he could do with them more. I have tried but he wont hear about getting help. Im at a loss....

Nature_Girl posted 8/22/2013 19:35 PM

Is he having a psychotic break?

Ellisyve posted 8/22/2013 19:48 PM

Im not sure what would qualify but he has been weird for about 3 years. I was so shocked to find out he was cheating initially because its just so against everything he stood for. He has a problem expressing emotions verbally and has always been standoffish with the kids but this latest bout of strange behavious makes me think he is concealing something again and justifying it by projecting his own guilt and anger onto me. Does that sound strange? He was horrible and moody and impatient when he was having his As so Im paranoid now that its all started up again and cant trust myself not to jump to conclusions. Forgiving is one thing but forgetting is impossible.

Nature_Girl posted 8/22/2013 19:53 PM

No, you're not imagining it. The incident you described is really bizarre. Full Disclosure: I barricaded myself from time to time, and even would have the kids with me behind a barricaded door, because STBX would be absolutely raging & terrifying, screaming & stomping & banging the walls, out of his mind raging. I tell you this because I do know what it's like to feel you have to barricade yourself to ensure your physical safety. However, I clearly had a reason to be afraid.

Does your WS have a reason to be afraid? Had you been raging at him & threatening him?

What other behaviors have you seen which give you a reason for concern?

Melody3 posted 8/22/2013 20:10 PM

Is he taking any medications (prescribed or not)? It sounds bizarre indeed. I would be concerned. 1.) for yourself and family and 2.) for himself and 3.) safety.

Would he see a doctor?

Has there ever been a physical fight between the two of you?

He's either bluffing and doing something behind your back or there is truly something wrong with him right now at this point in his life.....

Ellisyve posted 8/22/2013 20:23 PM

No I have never raged. Perhaps I should have but it isnt possible to have that kind of explosion in our relationship. He has always been so coldly angry, a sulker and I was always afraid of upsetting him. If we are hostile then its a quiet sort of anger- more brooding and sometimes snippy but never outright violence. maybe thats worse- I dont know.Passive aggressive if anything.
Regarding weirdness- not being logical with arguments, forgetting where he puts things, repeating himself, over explaining/justifying his whereabouts or whom he is texting or emailing- buying his own food not intended to share with the family, lying, cheating,buying selfish big toys, avoiding family,drinking excessively(he gets very petty and argumentative after one drink and nasty after half a bottle) Pointing out cute kids when he never was interested in his own....going outside to make calls... recently going on lots of overnight trips both social (bike buddies) and work ones - without me and making strange reasons. no- over explaining almost why I cant come... Im so suspicious anyway that I truly dont know whether to trust my instincts or not and feel mean when I think maybe he is ill. I know half of it is stress- he works very hard and is doing an MBA as well. Sometimes I worry he has something physically wrong with him that is making him like this. Everyone I talk to just cites midlife syndrome but it seems so extreme- particularly lately.Im not the only one noticing his strange habits- Our children are concerned and scared of him because he is jekyll and hyde all the time.

Ellisyve posted 8/22/2013 20:35 PM

He wont see a doctor- particularly for any mental issues. He says he is fine (not depressed) He says he doesnt drink too much- but he has at least 4-6 units a night during the week and more at the weekend. The saddest thing is that there is a family history of alcholism that tore his family apart and he has always been so disparaging about those relatives. There are a lot of things that he does that upset and worry us- little things but they add up. He isnt happy at work and neither of us is enjoying the relationship so its no wonder he is angry but its the constant dribble out of character behaviour that makes me wonder.

I think I can posted 8/23/2013 06:39 AM

Could it be drugs? And/or cheating online? I'm voting drugs. Can you set a camera in his room?

plainpain posted 8/23/2013 07:47 AM

If you're asking for opinions, my first thought was that he was texting/emailing with someone and did not want to be caught and interrupted. The behavior you have mentioned sounds pretty similar to what I experienced from my H when he was in full-blown A mode. Saying he was afraid of you? That's like when my H got mad and accused me of spending all our money, (I seriously don't even spend money ever), when he was wining/dining/shopping for OW.

I really thought my H was bi-polar. Turns out he was just trying to live two lives.

Ellisyve posted 8/28/2013 15:31 PM

thank you for your opinions. Im so worried I may be paranoid and hallucinating all this but reading back over my posts today it seems clearer to me that he is indeed doing something he shouldnt be.
I overheard him pleasuring himself in the bathroom this morning and asked him about it but he denied it so vehemently and then left for work without saying goodbye. Now Im even more certain that he is having some sort of relationship with another woman. He certainly wasnt thinking of me! Im angry and suspicious and he is sulking and giving me the silent treatment. It seems he will never come out and say whats on his mind and clear the air. If he is embarrassed then he could say so instead of being so defensive. He knows how hurt I was by the A.

Chrysalis123 posted 8/28/2013 16:14 PM

Very gently, what is in this for you? Why do you stay?

Ellisyve posted 8/29/2013 11:40 AM

I appreciate the question and the sensitivity. Um- basically- I have 4 kids who- without my close monitoring, nagging and careful intercession would be stuck for cash and airtickets home. My WH is extremely tightfisted and yet hasnt a clue how much it costs to survive and has no interest in their needs. Then I have elderly parents who need assistance financially. I gave up a very fledgeling career before my first child and have no earning potential to equal my husbands income. Going back to school at this point is not viable. I do what and when I can with commissions but its not enough to support myself or my kids and parents. So basically- I am dependent. I dont trust my husband to be fair should we separate. possibly he might be more generous out of guilt should he choose to leave himself but I cant be certain. It sounds dreadful but that is it in a nutshell. If it were just myself- I would leave in a heartbeat-or two...and try to get by but as things stand- living in a country that does not insist on spousal and child support- I cant do anything else.
Also- I suppose I keep hoping he will get past this phase of weirdness and be the loving man I married again. If he is ill then I married him for better or worse. This is definitely worse though.

Mousse242 posted 8/29/2013 13:16 PM

Why are you still with him? That is not normal behavior, it is also not the behavior of someone who claims they want to R.

Read what you wrote in your posts. And again, why are you still with him? He could be ill, but if it is mental and he is NOT willing to get help, there is NOTHING you can do about it.

You have kids and this is the environment they are being raised in. Keep that in perspective.

I dont trust my husband to be fair should we separate.

The courts should decide that one, not him.

[This message edited by Mousse242 at 1:22 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]