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Why does his cheating hurt me so badly?

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ccw82 posted 8/22/2013 19:56 PM

Honestly, why does his sexcapade with a prostitute hurt ME so much? If he says he loves me, and he's willing to stay with me and work through this, why can't I just "get over it" and feel better? Why does the thought of it all make me so sick?

I'm just so sad all the time now, and I can't seem to pick myself up out of it.

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/22/2013 20:09 PM

How could it not. You can't just get over it. Honestly... its a long road, its hard and I know how you feel. I'm Sorry!!! You are really new to finding out. Be easy on yourself. Try and eat and get rest. This is a great place with alot of people that are in different phases of Reconciliation. I can tell you this though, if you both want to work through it, it does get easier as time goes by. But, it is really hard. I was depressed for a while. But try and take care of yourself the best you can.

LosferWords posted 8/23/2013 09:06 AM


If there was a way to just "get over it", there'd be so many of us signing up for that. I can't blame you one bit for wishing for that, either, because I thought the exact same thing when I was still early out from d-day.

Like IGaveItMyAll said, it does get better with time.

Take care of yourself, and try to do something active that you enjoy. That can really lighten the mood and uplift the spirits, or at least get your mind temporarily off things, which is a welcome reprieve.

Take care.

Butterfly24 posted 8/23/2013 15:22 PM

My wh also cheated with a prostitute and I think a big thing fir me is that he plotted and planned the whole thing. What kind of person does this? He cheated on me deliberately. He set out to do it. He searched CL for a prostitute. Called her. Drove over an hour to meet her and then had sex with her. He did this intentionally.

He also gave me herpes. It pisses me off that he did this to me. He says he didn't do it to me, that he didn't think about the consequences. I believe he just didn't think I would ever find out.

Oh and the real kicker is he just wanted something for himself. Who does this kind of thing to someone they are supposed to love? My wh, that's who.

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/23/2013 16:05 PM

My WS is completely remorseful and committed and the PA part was one time and he immediately confessed and went NC so what's the problem, right? The problem is he betrayed me in the deepest way imaginable, he had no regard for his marriage vows, me, his kids - nothing!

Time - the 4 letter word I love to hate :)

tushnurse posted 8/23/2013 16:17 PM

The reason it hurts so damn much is not just what they did, but who they are to us. This is the one person in the world that is supposed to have your back, supposed to always be there for you, and have your best intrests in mind. When you deal with infidelity you find out that what you believed, and felt was reciprocole just isn't.

It is a soul shaking experience. It does hurt, and it's OK to be hurt, and have this pain. Do NOT feel pressured to "just get over it". This fixes nothing it is not healing, it's just putting a really good band aid on. It won't last in the long run.

You have to go through the whole gammit of emotions to heal, to get a new scar. It sucks, but we all come out on the other side stronger.

Be kind to you. If you aren't sleeping well, or able to eat PLEASE talk to your Dr, nothing wrong with a little pharmaceutical support. I found when I wasn't sleeping it was about a zillion times more difficult to manage my emotions.
Do something kind for you, go get a pedi, go enjoy a few hours of time without focus on your M, and everything you are going through. IT HELPS!!!

(((and strength)))

learningtofeel posted 8/23/2013 16:35 PM


Be really, really, really kind to yourself. Cry as much as you need to. Be alone or with others as you need to. Let the laundry pile up, the dust balls in the corners, take a sick day or two from work, whatever. Take care of yourself first.

Writing things down helped me a lot in the first weeks, but not in a journal. I ended up writing emails to myself and then filing them in an email folder called "grief." It was incredibly therapeutic. And every single day I got home from work, went to my bedroom and closed the door and cried on my bed for as long as I needed to.

Now I am only crying on my bed once a week. Seems strange to think of how far I've come in 18 weeks. You will get there too.

Skan posted 8/23/2013 19:20 PM

Why does it hurt so much? Because something sacred was stolen from you. Because the person who vowed to love you, honor you, sanctify you by cleaving only unto with his body, broke his vows to you. The person who held you in that most intimate dance of the soul, who created memories of love, intimacy, closeness, desire, shat all over them. He took that which was sacred to you, and he gave it to a prostitute. Literally. Someone who he paid to lay down and allow him access to her body. Someone who pretended that the physical act that he committed upon her, was a good and pleasurable thing. Someone who saw nothing sacred in this physical act, and someone that he used to essentially get his rocks off.

Where is the sacredness in this? Where is the love that was vowed to you? Where was the purity of his body, given only to you, in all of this? Where were YOU in all of this? If he could give such an elemental, intimate thing to a stranger, what does that say about all of the other vows that he made to you? What does that say about your life together? What does that say about the essential person that you thought you once knew? What does that say about you?

Itís a natural thing, to have all of these feelings and questions. Doubts and fears. Insecurities and feelings of rockslides under your feet. Gravity being suspended as you twist and turn, unsupported. And thatís why you canít just ďget over it.Ē It wasnít two dogs humping in the side yard. It was your past, your present, and your potential future being cut into confetti and then thrown up in a gale-force wind. Where the pieces are going to land, if they are going to land, you just donít know. How can you possibly shrug, say ďeh, it was just a one-off, no biggie.Ē You canít, no more than you could shrug off your leg being torn off of your body. Thereís a lot of bleeding, emergency surgery, and healing that need to happen before your body and mind can process this. (((hugs)))

ccw82 posted 8/23/2013 20:56 PM

Thank you for your responses so far, everyone. I think each of you have described a piece of why I feel so badly. I think it boils down to my own self worth:

Why did he want more than he had with *ME*? Why wasn't *I* good enough? It seems like nothing was good enough for him...our home, our kids, our vows, the love I gave him. He was so completely willing to RISK IT ALL, and for what? Another medium to get off in???

I know these are things only he can answer, but he says he can't really answer them for me because he "doesn't know". In the meantime, I feel like I'm drowning in these questions.

What he CAN tell me is that he was selfish, focused on his own needs, and wasn't giving 100% to me or our family. Basically he wanted me, but he wanted the "other stuff" more.

tushnurse posted 8/24/2013 10:09 AM

Sweetie it has nothing to do with you. Seriously. It wouldn't matter if you were a super model with perfectly behaved children cooked gourmet meals and kept a perfect house.

It's not about you. It's about him and his brokenness and if he can't give you a clue as to why he did what he did you need to demand IC for him. He must get to the bottom of it or you are opening yourself up for a repeat performance.

You are a great mom, and an awesome wife. You are worth so much more than he is able to give you credit for. He's one lucky guy.

You need to make this your mantra and repeat it until you know it's true in your core.

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