Although I think I have understood my H's "why's" for some time now I had a minor epiphany today. I realize that his CSA messed up a lot of things, caused many issues, but it was still hard to bend my mind around the years of calls/ texts (mostly during his busy work day) with someone who often annoyed him, the compulsion to return every month or so for mediocre sex with someone he didn't love, respect or really even like, then to add insult to injury, to start calling and texting yet another employee after finally extricating himself from that toxic situation.
I think I've got it--constant external validation. He did not carry a good sense of self worth since childhood and had become accustomed to getting that constant feedback--that ping of a text, or call that told him he had value. (It's been shown that cellphones can actually become addictive themselves). And what shows more that someone values you then if they have sex with you, right? (In twisted world anyway). When my H initially said that he was not getting this kind of attention from me (pre-DDay 2) I was pissed. First, I WORK all day, second, I was home all night and weekend --when he preferred to be on Xbox or watching TV--begging for his attention. More bullshit.
As many of us have lamented, the validation that a spouse gives just doesn't seem to count--we "have" to love them. Now, however, he realizes that my opinion of him is the one that matters, that I'm not going to blow smoke and I truly see him and know him. Now he wants to spend time with me, and we do small texts and calls during the day.
Now he finds that validation with me, which while healthier is not as healthy as carrying it inside himself. I am encouraging him to work on this in IC.
So many of our WSs seem to require this, while we BSs can't imagine even wanting to spend so much time on the phone. Just another aspect of brokenness, IMHO.