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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: Where is the line when it affects the kids?
♀ 40395
Member # 40395
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New in posting but have read for the last two years through my separation and divorce. I am now parallel parenting with a diagnosed npd x who manipulates the kids. He has got them to take things out of the house and give them to him (my computer, papers), comes into the house when he picks up if I am not here, and steals things routinely out of my garage because the door is broken and I can't afford to fix it. The kids cover for him and do what he asks because they know he won't see them if they don't. I have tried repeatedly to get the kids not to let him in or give him things but they are afraid to stand up to him.

My current dilemma is after he stole my tax return by illegally claiming all 3 kids (I'm waiting for this to be fixed), I've been strapped paying for expensive daycare for my asperger son all summer. X had agreed to buy school supplies this year since I have the last two years and then bailed (this is a shared expense in the divorce). He refuses to pay shared expenses like extracurricular activities (our divorce says mutually agreed on activities and he won't agree to ANY, even doctor recommended programs for my aspie) or medical expenses. Instead he drives 2 hours every weekend and takes his girlfriend to movies, dinner, gambling etc. I only get child support because it is garnished and he is dangerously close to getting fired (was suspended without pay this week). I'm in a financial bind because my asperger son downloaded games he thought were free and overdrew my account.  I asked x to reimburse recent expenses so i could put gas in my car and money in their lunch accounts and he wont respond. Instead he and his girlfriend are taking the kids to a hotel this weekend. Im so furious that I am tempted to send the kids with only the clothes on their backs (he is supposed to provide half the clothes and has only bought one pair of shoes in 2 years). I know it would embarrass the kids (14, 12 and 9) and he would use it to manipulate them more but i am just so tired of taking the high road.

How do you take a stand when the kids are in the middle of this mess and end up getting hurt or manipulated even more?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 39901
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raisingthree - You have been dealt a really crappy hand. I wish I had some good advice, but I'm only 4 mths into all this crap and don't know much. Is there some sort of free legal resource you can try to find to help you? Breaking and entering your house is illegal. Stealing things from you is too. Someone with more experience will be along with some real words of wisdom. This is so unfair to you and the kids.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
♀ 40395
Member # 40395
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been told I can keep him off my property if he physically threatens me, which he hasn't. I've told him to stay away and offered to do all drop offs and pick ups and he refuses and says what are you going to do about it. I was stupid enough when he took the computer to just go to his house and demand he give it back which he did. I found out later I should have called the cops even though my 14 year old gave it to him because x convinced him there were important papers on there that x had to have immediately and I wouldn't give them to him. The last attempt my 9 year old witnessed and would have had to be involved in reporting. She is in counseling and that would have put her over the edge. I just feel like I can't get control of my life back.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should contact a domestic violence shelter & ask for a referral to a counselor. You and your children need to be in counseling immediately. Your children need to be taught that Daddy does not get to treat them or Mommy like crap. They have internalized incredibly weak-willed, dysfunctional coping mechanisms that will serve to bring them misery the rest of their lives. They need help, which you clearly have noticed.

Your ex is abusing you "by proxy", meaning, using the kids to continue his abuse of you. It stops when you say it stops. You have the power to stop this, but it's going to take work.

Contact a DV shelter. They'll have resources for you to access. Please make the call tomorrow.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to contact you lawyer in order to find out how to enforce the divorce decree.

The school my kids attend have done on-site counseling (for free), so talk to the guidance counselors. See if they will talk with the kids, or can offer some ways for you to find some free help until the money situation calms down.

me...BS, 46 years old.

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♀ 33062
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my. I'm so sorry this pig is putting you through this. Saying this; I have three kids about the same age and a npd ex too. They will push it to the limit, and at times it seems impossible to stand up against or fight for your rights, and your kid's rights of course. This is what they want. TO WEAR YOU DOWN.
If you can; please get your lawyer involved on the money shortages, and him manipulating the kids:(
Mine has done all of these things, and it's so horrible to feel scared; helpless; hopeless, and exhausted.
Mine is currently leaving me alone; after a 3 day stent in JAIL!
I think he may have finally figured he's not God, or not above the law. He also has a new gf (victim) so I'm thanking God, and at the same time feel guilty for her and her kids, but oh well!
He pushed the limit and I had to put a protection order on him...classic npd broke it within 12 hours, and off to jail he went. Best 3 days of peace in my life.
You need a plan. I went to the police in my town and they sent me to a women's shelter and they helped me fill out the paper work for a protection order and filed it for me.
These npd's are ruthless and hurt these kids so much to hurt you. They truly do not care how it affects the kids. It's all about them; as you already know.. Please please keep everything he's done/doing/not doing documented and make as many police reports as you need. I'm not even sure about the not sending clothes; he will make the kids pay if he's like my ex:( I'm so sorry!!
Please PM me if you need anything at all!
(((Raisingthree )))

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 18334
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some states, if you are getting CS garnished through the state, they will also garnish medical expenses.

I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.

Posts: 4920 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this will work for you, so take what you want and leave the rest.

I have lived a parellel life, minus an aspie kid.

I learned I needed to outfox and out manuever him.

I needed to think ahead..."What will he probably try to cause me grief?" And then do things to protect myself.

I removed anything from his access that he would steal. I hid all important documents, and scanned and saved them on the computer. I hid important belongings for later.

He used my teen daughter to steal from me. I called the cops and reported the theft. The cops called him and kid.....stealing from kid stopped.

I called child support enforcement to deal with non-payment of CS.

I manipulated him. NPD's can be easy to manipulate because their responses are predictable. For example, I NEVER let him know what I really want because he will try to ruin it.

I have been known to imply that non-important things are important....

Finally, NC....he spews garbage at me and I ignore him. He is emotionally and spiritually dead to me... No effect like a crazy person in Wal-mart. Would that person bother you? I view him like that... a ranting lunatic I used to know.

I am sorry you are going through this. Please visit the "tribe" on the NPD forum found on the "I Can Relate" forum.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:28 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Posts: 4525 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 14917
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The advice to talk to the domestic violence shelter is excellent. I had to look at this way when it happened to me as a strange combination of acceptance and fight - fight to protect yourself and children and accept there will never be the support there should be.

Don't get me wrong - I had a protection order too and complained enough to cs enforcement that they went after him , but I really had to accept he wouldn't help the children and therefore I had to find a way to do it. I have part time jobs in addition to my full time job , the kids also have jobs.

I found that I could get immediate free help through my kids ' guidance counselor at school and the pediatrician. We had therapy with a social worker at school and the pediatrician would meet with my kids as well. The school stepped in and fees for sports, activities and even college applications were waived. We were also told about scholarship opportunities we didn't know existed and an incredibly generous and lovely person annonymously donated the amount of the senior trip cost to the school for my dd.

I 'm telling you this because I was in your position but without the aspergers. It was hard to ask for help, to let people know the real story at first but asking for just a little help at the school and doctor's office (because I couldn't qualify for state help) turned into a lot of opportunities for my kids at a time I could barely pay rent and put food on the table. They were able to play their sports that were so important to them and they had counselors and doctors to listen and advise them.

You have the added challenge of needing to provide even more so I'm wondering if this could help - there are local groups that work with autism speaks too.

[This message edited by rainagain at 8:10 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 50
DS24, DD21, DS19

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 40395
Member # 40395
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and shared similar experiences. I will follow through although I find myself embarrassed to be in this situation. I know a lot of people in my community through my profession and volunteer work and am strong in every other aspect of my life. I feel embarrassed that I was in a relationship like this and still try to keep it secret except among very close friends.

My MIL found out about the current situation and helped out financially Friday. I am lucky that my inlaws are horrified by his actions and have continued to be on my side. Thanks again, I greatly appreciate it.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I've also been in your shoes without the aspergers. Contact your domestic violence shelter, your school guidance office, and your pediatrician.

The DV can help you navigate the legal system with little expense.

The guidance office can help with everything from free lunch to school supplies and possibly clothes, holiday meals, and presents.

The pediatrician can help with drug expenses, therapy programs that may be inexpensive.

Your local sports groups will have scholarships available ; scholarships were given but after basing need by checking the school guidance office.

My kids were on free lunch, when I had money I put money into their lunch accounts. When I didn't have money the still got to eat. Being on free lunch waves fees for SAT/ACT and most college application fees are waived. There are also many scholarships only available to those who qualify for the lunch program.

Asking for help for your kids is a way to keep their activities the same without having to the divorce to totally destroy their lives .

My kids never knew they were scholar shipped in their activities. The adults were gracious and never let on that my kids circumstances were different than other kids on the team. I really appreciated that. When I win the lottery I plan on creating scholarships for more kids like mine and yours.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi RaisingThree,

I've posted on here to ask some similar questions. I went through almost a whole entire year with Nearly ExH stealing things out of the home we built and thinking he got away with it. Now he's changed the tune and decided I should trust whatever he says and does, yet I do not. Yes, he does things with the computers here that I use even if it's putting on antivirus things or "helping" doesn't feel good anymore, that's for sure.

He came a few times when no one was home, too and did the same.

What I did for one, was call the local police. Where I live it's small and I asked the police what my rights were. They told me it was a "grey" area because his name is on the deed, but he was clearly not being above-board by coming when no one was here or stealing/sneaking.

They said the same as you, that he had to get violent for them to take action against him and it was/is frustrating because he still is so disrespectful, but is fully aware he's not breaking the law-I'm sure he's aware of his rights, for he's extreme NPD diagnosed, passive aggressive and some other things.

I'm sorry for the way he involves your children and the way he is not helping you in parenting. I've learned a lot working with this strange man, with re. to NPD type people. I have family members who have it and we always knew something was different about them, but couldn't put a finger on it.

One thing I do when it concerns Nearly Exh and an issue he's causing is go way around the idea that it's him doing it. Like, with our daughter, I tell him, "She has a problem and I wonder if you can help." Or, "She has a problem but is nervous to tell you and it comes up during your visits." I make it about the reaction to a problem, rather than an action of a problem and even though it makes me dizzy to think out, it helps and I've gotten some things solved in this way.

What I'm finding is that he cannot be asked something in a direct way, or be told something in a blamed way...this gets nowhere. And if you can leave a subject open-ended, it goes a long way. Like with pretending to give a choice, instead of a "here's the deal" type statement. If you can say more than one thing and make it like a question, sometimes it helps. It does here, even though I don't want the advice, I want the answer.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No help on the stuff with your ex, but call apple or whoever the games were downloaded from and tell them they were downloaded without permission by a minor and request a refund. Seriously.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14444 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 32550
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Amazonia said. BTDT. Many places will refund downloads if you explain why. Of course then the game usually is rendered useless, so you have to prepare your Aspie for that.

Also, if you have medical insurance, start asking about what is covered under the new autism laws. I am exploring this myself now with my Aspie, and in theory a lot of services you may need should be at least partially covered. Ask for the written policy on the services and read up on it. Call several times (so you get different people) and tell them what services you are currently paying for OOP and ask how they can be covered. It may very well be the counseling he needs to deal with a NPD dad may be covered.

I do agree explore your options with a DV shelter. Every state is a little different, so there may be things that haven't been mentioned here you can do.

As for the clothes, why not send a bag with enough clothes for the visit that are on their last legs or about to be outgrown, and tell them that is their clothing to keep at Dad's so they don't have to carry stuff back and forth any more. And that Dad can replace them as needed.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1503 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 14

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