He wants his cake and eat it too? OH HELL NO.
At this point, he wants he a divorce, so give it to him girl. Show him what a divorce from you looks and feels like. Read the healing library and 180/NC him. No more cooking, no more cleaning, no more doing anything for him. Consult multiple attorneys to know your rights (a lot of them give free consults), and TOTALLY FOCUS ON YOU.
I always tell betrayed spouses who come here with an unremorseful spouse to kick their ass to the curb. No living in limbo. No trying to love him back into the marriage. No talking to him about what he's doing to his family, to his kids, to his his wife. Actually, don't talk to him at all about your feelings. He doesn't deserve them anymore. Just GIVE HIM THE CONSEQUENCES.
A lot of this starts with you realizing YOU DESERVE BETTER. You DO NOT want a man who treats you as plan B, their security blanket, the one who will always stick around because of the house/kids/finances, etc.
I think tons of people leave themselves in limbo, hoping to "win" the cheater back. But I don't think this leads to a healthy relationship. This just leads to the cheater thinking they can do what they want and get away with it. That you will forever forgive, not because of him, but because of many other possible things such as: Fear of the unknown, fear of finances, fear of humiliation, fear of facing family, fear of facing the children, etc. And he can use all of these fears to continue to manipulate you.
Honestly, KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB. This kicks him off the cake-eating fence and forces him to make a decision. You want the good news or the bad news first?
Okay, the good news is that he may come around. Kick his ass to the curb for a time and start working on you, as in, not depending on him, finding new hobbies, finding new clothes, finding new friends and reconnecting with old friends, doing those things you always wish you had done, start taking mini-vacations, etc. Show him that you are an awesome woman and that you will DEMAND respect from him and that you will not tolerate anything less. If you show him that you don't need a sorry ass like him in your life, then he may actually want to change into someone who wants to be faithful and loving with you and work on the marriage.
You cannot "love" someone back into the marriage after they cheated. You have to give them the consequences, and those consequences have to be bad enough that he wants to change for HIMSELF. You can't want him to change more than he wants to change HIMSELF.
The bad news? After you kick his ass to the curb, he may run for the hills and begin his new fucked up life with the skank. And guess what? You don't want a piece of shit like that anyway. (And be wary of the OW dropping him and THEN him coming back making promises. You are NOT plan B). The answer here is the same for you. FOCUS ON YOU. Again, new hobbies, new clothes, new and old friends, doing old things you used to love, short vacations, etc.. If he really is gone for good, then you are on a great path to healing..
My advice is to kick his ass to the curb, work on you, and WATCH HIS ACTIONS. Like everyone says here, believe 50% of what he says and 100% of what he does.
I know this is very hard to do when I imagine you very much wish this would all go away and your marriage would go back to the way it was. The sad truth is, he broke the marriage contract, and that one is gone forever. It's completely up to you if you want to try to make a new one with him.
I just think I've been here long enough and seen enough stories where the betrayed spouses try to "love" and "fix" their wayward spouses back into the relationship end up with another D-Day or continued disrespect.
I understand some people prefer to turn a blind eye to this stuff as they don't want to lose the comfort and are afraid of the unknown. That's a choice they make, and they are choosing to live with the consequences of that decision.
My advice is that no matter what stage of life you are in, you deserve true happiness. Your WH may very well come around and be a man you want a relationship with again, but not unless you create some serious boundaries, and you really follow through on the consequences of breaking those boundaries (as in, kick his ass to the curb again).
I think filing for D is the correct decision at this point with an unremorseful spouse. Some people say wait 6 months before making any drastic decisions, but I think that mainly applies to people with a WS that is showing signs of remorse. If your WH has made it very clear that he wants a wife and a girlfriend, then I think you are an awesome woman to tell this loser to get lost. You deserve better.
And if he is really leaving for the OW, I would emphatically advise filing for divorce to protect yourself financially as he could run up tons of credit card debt, take out loans, spend a ton of money on OW, and you would be responsible for half of it in the D. Filing for D gives you a lot of financial protection against crap like that.
There is always the chance that he comes around, and you can always cancel the D if you want to.. For now, with his attitude, I would recommend collecting as many documents as you can (deeds, credit and banking statements, paycheck stubs, taxes, and any other important documents you can think of). I would also start consulting with multiple attorneys (I believe the ones you consult with, he cannot use in the divorce), and find the one that is the best fit for you..
Big hugs to you.. Welcome to SI. I hope you continue to post and read and feel welcome here as there are so many people here in this position. I came here already in the process of divorcing, and I've gotten amazing support, and I hope you receive the support you need as well. I do apologize if some of my advice is a bit too harsh, but I just HATE any kind of disrespect that I see a betrayed spouse enduring, and I somehow would love to give you the strength to demand better for yourself.
Just as a warning, whether you decide to R or D, there will be a huge roller coaster of emotions, and there is no easy answer after being cheated on. You have experienced a trauma, and there is no quick fix. I have found amazing support at this site through the highs and lows, and I hope you receive the same. Not everyone's advice is helpful, so take what you need, and leave the rest.
More big hugs to you..
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 5:26 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]