SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

surviving1963 posted 8/23/2013 00:23 AM

After 32 years of marriage, 7 children and 7 grandchildren I had that "gut feeling" about 18 mos ago. I started to investigate his financial infidelity and discovered SO much more. LOTS of porn, a profile on a dating website for "married people who want to have an affair/affairs". His profile was 16 pages long!!! The perfect woman he was looking for, what type of kinky things he wanted and was willing to do etc, etc. He paid $250 to enroll! Upon confrontation he lied, denied, minimized and tried to shift the blame to me. Then....he met OW, started an EA -(he swears he has NEVER touched another woman). I saw the texts, they both told me how they felt about each other - they feel like they are soul mates, have known each other forever, just naturally fell in love...etc. I begged and pleaded them both to discontinue contact. They both refused. That would be me just trying to control who he could be friends with. My H does not want a divorce, just have his cake and eat it too. I decided to file for D. So painful - all consuming.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/23/2013 05:22 AM

He wants his cake and eat it too? OH HELL NO.

At this point, he wants he a divorce, so give it to him girl. Show him what a divorce from you looks and feels like. Read the healing library and 180/NC him. No more cooking, no more cleaning, no more doing anything for him. Consult multiple attorneys to know your rights (a lot of them give free consults), and TOTALLY FOCUS ON YOU.

I always tell betrayed spouses who come here with an unremorseful spouse to kick their ass to the curb. No living in limbo. No trying to love him back into the marriage. No talking to him about what he's doing to his family, to his kids, to his his wife. Actually, don't talk to him at all about your feelings. He doesn't deserve them anymore. Just GIVE HIM THE CONSEQUENCES.

A lot of this starts with you realizing YOU DESERVE BETTER. You DO NOT want a man who treats you as plan B, their security blanket, the one who will always stick around because of the house/kids/finances, etc.

I think tons of people leave themselves in limbo, hoping to "win" the cheater back. But I don't think this leads to a healthy relationship. This just leads to the cheater thinking they can do what they want and get away with it. That you will forever forgive, not because of him, but because of many other possible things such as: Fear of the unknown, fear of finances, fear of humiliation, fear of facing family, fear of facing the children, etc. And he can use all of these fears to continue to manipulate you.

Honestly, KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB. This kicks him off the cake-eating fence and forces him to make a decision. You want the good news or the bad news first?

Okay, the good news is that he may come around. Kick his ass to the curb for a time and start working on you, as in, not depending on him, finding new hobbies, finding new clothes, finding new friends and reconnecting with old friends, doing those things you always wish you had done, start taking mini-vacations, etc. Show him that you are an awesome woman and that you will DEMAND respect from him and that you will not tolerate anything less. If you show him that you don't need a sorry ass like him in your life, then he may actually want to change into someone who wants to be faithful and loving with you and work on the marriage.

You cannot "love" someone back into the marriage after they cheated. You have to give them the consequences, and those consequences have to be bad enough that he wants to change for HIMSELF. You can't want him to change more than he wants to change HIMSELF.

The bad news? After you kick his ass to the curb, he may run for the hills and begin his new fucked up life with the skank. And guess what? You don't want a piece of shit like that anyway. (And be wary of the OW dropping him and THEN him coming back making promises. You are NOT plan B). The answer here is the same for you. FOCUS ON YOU. Again, new hobbies, new clothes, new and old friends, doing old things you used to love, short vacations, etc.. If he really is gone for good, then you are on a great path to healing..

My advice is to kick his ass to the curb, work on you, and WATCH HIS ACTIONS. Like everyone says here, believe 50% of what he says and 100% of what he does.

I know this is very hard to do when I imagine you very much wish this would all go away and your marriage would go back to the way it was. The sad truth is, he broke the marriage contract, and that one is gone forever. It's completely up to you if you want to try to make a new one with him.

I just think I've been here long enough and seen enough stories where the betrayed spouses try to "love" and "fix" their wayward spouses back into the relationship end up with another D-Day or continued disrespect.

I understand some people prefer to turn a blind eye to this stuff as they don't want to lose the comfort and are afraid of the unknown. That's a choice they make, and they are choosing to live with the consequences of that decision.

My advice is that no matter what stage of life you are in, you deserve true happiness. Your WH may very well come around and be a man you want a relationship with again, but not unless you create some serious boundaries, and you really follow through on the consequences of breaking those boundaries (as in, kick his ass to the curb again).

I think filing for D is the correct decision at this point with an unremorseful spouse. Some people say wait 6 months before making any drastic decisions, but I think that mainly applies to people with a WS that is showing signs of remorse. If your WH has made it very clear that he wants a wife and a girlfriend, then I think you are an awesome woman to tell this loser to get lost. You deserve better.

And if he is really leaving for the OW, I would emphatically advise filing for divorce to protect yourself financially as he could run up tons of credit card debt, take out loans, spend a ton of money on OW, and you would be responsible for half of it in the D. Filing for D gives you a lot of financial protection against crap like that.

There is always the chance that he comes around, and you can always cancel the D if you want to.. For now, with his attitude, I would recommend collecting as many documents as you can (deeds, credit and banking statements, paycheck stubs, taxes, and any other important documents you can think of). I would also start consulting with multiple attorneys (I believe the ones you consult with, he cannot use in the divorce), and find the one that is the best fit for you..

Big hugs to you.. Welcome to SI. I hope you continue to post and read and feel welcome here as there are so many people here in this position. I came here already in the process of divorcing, and I've gotten amazing support, and I hope you receive the support you need as well. I do apologize if some of my advice is a bit too harsh, but I just HATE any kind of disrespect that I see a betrayed spouse enduring, and I somehow would love to give you the strength to demand better for yourself.

Just as a warning, whether you decide to R or D, there will be a huge roller coaster of emotions, and there is no easy answer after being cheated on. You have experienced a trauma, and there is no quick fix. I have found amazing support at this site through the highs and lows, and I hope you receive the same. Not everyone's advice is helpful, so take what you need, and leave the rest.

More big hugs to you..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 5:26 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

jb3199 posted 8/23/2013 05:30 AM

So sorry that you are here, Surviving. If you have never experienced infidelity before, there is nothing like it. It is the worst.

You stated that you decided to file for divorce. As heartbroken as you currently are, just know that this is NOT a bad thing to do---it is quite the opposite. First off, it is one of the first steps in reclaiming your life. I would assume that your self-esteem is at an all time low. You feel lost with no direction. You question what your failings are that would cause your wayward husband to look at someone else.

These are all natural feelings.

But what you are going to learn...over time...is that none of this is your fault. Your husband is a broken person, with poor boundaries, and he has yet to see this---because he is so deluded. He currently believes that he is a good husband, and it couldn't be further from the truth. Right now, his fantasy with this other woman is just that---fantasy. There is no reality to it. It is rainbows and sunshine, with no aspects of normal life involved. You can never and will never compete with that---nor should you.

Please read The Healing Library in the top left corner. You will learn much from the stories there. Look in the Betrayed Spouse(BS) frequently asked questions at # 11--which is called the 180. Also look for bullseye marked topics in this forum on the first and second pages, as there are many good articles to read that are directed at the newly betrayed people.

Eat, drink, read, and post. These functions will get you through the early days.

The reason that I mentioned earlier that filing for D is a good idea, is that it starts to shift power(assumed power) away from him. Just as you will learn that you can not control your wayward husband(WH), he is also unable to control you. You decide what is right for your future, and the sooner that your WH realizes that, the sooner that there is a possibility that he will see the errors in his ways. But do not take action to *win* your WH back---take action to regain control of your future.

Maybe the future will still have your WH in it, but maybe it won't. And the sooner that you can emotionally detach yourself to a safe distance(the goal of the 180), the sooner you may realize that you do not want him in your future. That is something that you ponder later, but I just want you to know that you can and will get to this point if you accept a few realities:

--You didn't deserve this
--This is not your fault. The affair is 100% on him.
--You will find your inner strength again
--If your husband does change, and want you back, it will be your choice whether you decide to stay or not
--As impossible as it currently seems, you will be happy again....it just takes time and effort

Keep posting. There are lots of people who share similar pain, and would like to help.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 5:33 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Dawn58 posted 8/23/2013 10:17 AM

Dear surviving,
At some point in time, you will move from surviving to thriving!! I am so sorry that you are here. All I can offer you is my own experience. My spouse had a PA. I found text messages he sent her (had no idea the affair was even going on). Confronted him - asked him who Laurie P was? He never answered me. He only told me that he wanted a divorce and asked me to leave. (we had a second home, so that's where I went).

I filed for divorce a month and a half later. He was on the fence - telling me not to push him, or he'd file for divorce. Telling me that he thought he found someone to love. But his actions were quite clear - not willing to go into counseling, continuing to see her. Like others have said, pay attention to their ACTIONS!!!

It has been nearly 9 months since Dday. 9 months of pain, anger, devastation and heartbreak.

The first few months, all I could think about was him, the affair, the pain, my rage, how to get back at him.

Now, these thoughts are more the exception than the rule.

When you are ready, do the 180. Sever all contact with him - I changed my phone numbers so he could not contact me, was just too painful. I blocked his email as well. Have told him that any communication goes through the attorney - and there has been none.

I have seen the two of them once and saw a picture of the two of them in the paper. Those were difficult days - pretty devastated to watch my husband with her. I do not put myself in a place where I will see them together.

I am putting my attention and energies into healing my heart, building a new life for myself and actually enjoying moments of my life. I have a freedom that I did not have before. I do what I please, when I please. I do get lonely and that is hard. I do grieve the dream of what I thought my marriage would be. I do grieve for the man I thought I married, who no longer exists.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel - that is that inner light, that inner beauty and strength that is within you, that you will discover through this process.

We are here for you, will support you on your path!

(((hugs)))

Painfuljourney posted 8/23/2013 11:57 AM

Ugh, so sorry. My WH's father did that to my MIL after a 30 year marriage.

He remarried his "soul mate". She turned into a psycho bitch. She dragged him through the mud. He lost everything, his family, his happiness...

He's now divorced from her but lives a miserable existence. MIL is happy and better off. He drinks alone all day and watches TV in a hot dirty house.

Let him go, OW is a loser who has nothing. You are the mother of his kids, grandmother to his grandkids and you will be better off. Live better and he will see what he lost.

surviving1963 posted 8/24/2013 12:10 PM

Thank so much for your advice and comfort. I never knew betrayal could cause this much pain! I think death would be easier than betrayal. Hard enough to find all the evidence, but then to be told by both of them that they just naturally fell in love, they feel deeply connected, feel like soul mates, will NEVER discontinue contact with each other, but will just "be friends". OW told me they have contact a couple times everyday. He told me it's not about me.... She told me she only live in the present. Blah, blah, blah! I am supposed to stay in a marriage like that?! 3 is a crowd. Stupid WH pretty much gave up his whole family. Hardly has any contact with kids and grandkids.

kg201 posted 8/24/2013 12:21 PM

Surviving.

I'm there with you. I'm 4 weeks in, but last night and today I have hit a new low.

It is painful and all consuming. My WW also doesn't see the other relationship ending.

Hugs from me to you. We'll make it through somehow.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/24/2013 13:07 PM

will NEVER discontinue contact with each other, but will just "be friends".

No, No, No, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has a choice. Choose his wife and his wife's feelings and needs, meaning cut that woman out of his life completely. OR, continue the "friendship" (cough, cough, BULLSHIT) and LOSE HIS WIFE.

He has to choose. NOW.