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how do you accept this???

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cantaccept posted 8/23/2013 05:20 AM

Had IC yesterday. I tried to bring up how I am struggling with all of my symptoms. IC said this is all "normal". He says that I need to accept and embrace.

We talked about my deepest wound, the fact that he chose her over me.

He did, repeatedly. Every time he texted her while I was right there.

My birthday when he chose to ignore it. Lied about being exhausted and left me with my sons, with the meal I prepared, to go upstairs and talk with her.

When he left me, for a stranger on dday. How could he believe that a stranger had more to offer? How could he make that huge choice so quickly?

He chose her over me when he moved into a shabby motel for her. Gave up our history, sacrificed me for a stranger. I meant nothing to him.

He says that he did choose her. He says that he knew what he was doing was wrong, immoral, but he never thought of what it would do to me.

He says that I should think of it as he had to leave me, not that he was choosing her.


I was so awful?

I wish I could hear, I made that choice then and I was so wrong. I must have been crazy to think anyone was better than you. There is no comparison. I failed to appreciate you. I mistreated you and then blamed you for it.

How do I get past the pain of this? How do I accept that he chose her over me?

He left me for her, gave up so much for her. He didn't give her up for me. He didn't realize that he really loved me. He couldn't even "see" me until he ended it with her.

So why, why can he see me now? What is so great about me now in his eyes? Is it because I am safe? I guess I feel like second choice. How do I get past this?

Yes, he is back, he is here now. He is talking to me in a way we never could before. He is kinder, going to MC, IC. He says he will never do that again.

When he says that I think, automatically, "but you did and I never believed you would before".

Maybe it is just a low point for me. Today is the one year mark of the beginning of his a. The one year mark that he chose her over me.

I just can't wrap my head around how to "embrace" this how to accept that I was disposable in his eyes. That I meant nothing to him.

I feel as if I am fighting my instinct to run, to protect myself.

How do you get over this?

Round and round I go.

Hearthache again posted 8/23/2013 06:29 AM

To accept what has happen to you is realizing that yes this happened to even me! It means to no longer talk around this, the why's, what if's, how's, etc. It just happened.
Yes, you can examine what happened, but it doesn't change that it happened. I think we tend to deny these things with statements like "How could this happen to me?" Being able to say WH cheated on me was a big step for me. Prior to that I was ashamed and thought the statement was about me. In reality it says nothing about me and is simply something that happened in my life. That is what acceptance is. Realizing that their cheating has nothing to do with you but is something that happened in your life. I hope that makes sense.

Embracing your feelings is very simple. You do not fight them. You allow yourself the freedom to experience them fully.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 6:31 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

hardtimesinlife posted 8/23/2013 07:55 AM

The hardest part for me was accepting that his choices were bad ones. He was flawed so he made stupid decisions based on flawed reasoning. It was about his brokenness, not mine. In a perfect world if someone thought I was so awful and there might be something better then he would end our relationship to search for someone else. Infidelity is backwards. They cheat then find reasons to justify their selfish behaviors, sometimes convincing themselves that the grass is greener.

Yes, it would be nice to hear him say that he was wrong. Is he finding out why he was broken and trying to fix himself?

I'd look at your therapist too. If he can't help you work through what is your biggest stumbling block then find another one. "accept and embrace" isn't helping you.

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