"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
Had IC yesterday. I tried to bring up how I am struggling with all of my symptoms. IC said this is all "normal". He says that I need to accept and embrace.
We talked about my deepest wound, the fact that he chose her over me.
He did, repeatedly. Every time he texted her while I was right there.
My birthday when he chose to ignore it. Lied about being exhausted and left me with my sons, with the meal I prepared, to go upstairs and talk with her.
When he left me, for a stranger on dday. How could he believe that a stranger had more to offer? How could he make that huge choice so quickly?
He chose her over me when he moved into a shabby motel for her. Gave up our history, sacrificed me for a stranger. I meant nothing to him.
He says that he did choose her. He says that he knew what he was doing was wrong, immoral, but he never thought of what it would do to me.
He says that I should think of it as he had to leave me, not that he was choosing her.
I was so awful?
I wish I could hear, I made that choice then and I was so wrong. I must have been crazy to think anyone was better than you. There is no comparison. I failed to appreciate you. I mistreated you and then blamed you for it.
How do I get past the pain of this? How do I accept that he chose her over me?
He left me for her, gave up so much for her. He didn't give her up for me. He didn't realize that he really loved me. He couldn't even "see" me until he ended it with her.
So why, why can he see me now? What is so great about me now in his eyes? Is it because I am safe? I guess I feel like second choice. How do I get past this?
Yes, he is back, he is here now. He is talking to me in a way we never could before. He is kinder, going to MC, IC. He says he will never do that again.
When he says that I think, automatically, "but you did and I never believed you would before".
Maybe it is just a low point for me. Today is the one year mark of the beginning of his a. The one year mark that he chose her over me.
I just can't wrap my head around how to "embrace" this how to accept that I was disposable in his eyes. That I meant nothing to him.
I feel as if I am fighting my instinct to run, to protect myself.
How do you get over this?
Round and round I go.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie