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Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

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million pieces posted 8/23/2013 06:52 AM

Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/

I'm not a guy, but many of his points works for me.

Ann124 posted 8/23/2013 07:46 AM

Million Piece:

Thank you so very much for sharing. This is great advice for all genders, greatly written and well received on this end.

Thank you

nutmegkitty posted 8/23/2013 09:08 AM

Thanks for sharing that. sigh. Wouldn't it be nice to be in a relationship with someone who lived by those rules!

nowiknow23 posted 8/23/2013 09:46 AM

Hmmm...

--Posting as a member (who is, full disclosure, currently in antiversary week)--

I read this article and all I could think was, Man - his exW really did a number on him. Poor guy.

Obviously, your mileage may vary.

million pieces posted 8/23/2013 12:54 PM

I read this article and all I could think was, Man - his exW really did a number on him. Poor guy.

Ha! When I first read this my brain waffled from partly swooning and partly feeling this. But I *want* to believe this.

Kajem posted 8/23/2013 13:10 PM

I would love to believe this. I guess we'll have to wait for the movie.

Hugs,
K

asurvivor posted 8/23/2013 13:18 PM

Either this guy wants to get laid or make life miserable for the rest of us.

Easy now easy ...just a joke...sort of

dindy posted 8/23/2013 13:43 PM

What a beautiful piece.

My ex did none of these things.

I'm looking forward to meeting someone who has these beliefs firmly in place.

There is always hope. :)

dbellanon posted 8/23/2013 16:56 PM

So first you have this:

"Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESNíT HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you donít take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her."

And then you have this:

"Itís not your job to change or fix herÖ your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether itís what you wanted or not."

So it's your job to continue to "choose" your spouse no matter how she changes, but your spouse doesn't have to choose you.

Seems like a contradiction, no?

I'm not saying that I don't get where this is coming from. The reality is that some people don't love unconditionally, and withdraw the love and effort they ought to be putting into their marriage and give it to someone else. And for the rejected spouse, this is a horrible realization, and when you see that person that you love walking away from you, you wonder if there wasn't more you could have done to "keep her love."

But this is a double standard. She doesn't have to earn your love, yet you have to earn hers? What a terrible way to live. Maybe this man wishes that his wife hadn't left him, but I don't think he realizes what kind of life he might have had if that had been the case, a lifetime of trying his hardest, but always wondering if his best wasn't going to be good enough, the horrible spectre of divorce haunting him with every step.

The whole point of solemnizing a commitment between two people in marriage is so that they don't have to be constantly looking over their shoulders.

It's tricky, of course, because if you feel secure in your marriage and feel like their are no conditions to the love you receive, you run the risk of becoming complacent, and not working as hard as you should to keep your relationship strong. But constantly pouring yourself out in order to make sure that the other person doesn't leave is no way to live either.

h0peless posted 8/23/2013 17:22 PM

Maybe this man wishes that his wife hadn't left him, but I don't think he realizes what kind of life he might have had if that had been the case, a lifetime of trying his hardest, but always wondering if his best wasn't going to be good enough, the horrible spectre of divorce haunting him with every step.

This was my thought as well. One of the most stunning things to me when my ex left was that I always assumed that if I tried my hardest to do everything in my power to keep her happy, we would be together forever. I didn't realize that she was a bucket with a hole in the bottom. I think the fact that I did try to satisfy her every whim (to the point of being a bit of a doormat in retrospect) made her infidelity, dehumanization and replacement of me even more difficult to accept. I (and society at large, I think) just assumed that it happened because of some major deficiency in me that I was completely blind to.

I would be willing to wager that once the author of that article has a bit more time to dissect what happened in his marriage (assuming that his ex cheated on him and left for another man as it sounds), he will rethink his position. I remember feeling this way for months after she left, that there must have been something missing. I don't think there was but trying to figure it out gave me some sense of hope and power that I really never had.

[This message edited by h0peless at 5:28 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

inconnu posted 8/23/2013 18:26 PM

I read this article and all I could think was, Man - his exW really did a number on him. Poor guy.

Really? Because the 1st time I saw it several weeks ago I thought, damn too bad he didn't learn all that before he destroyed his marriage by cheating. Guess I'm a lot more cynical than you.

kernel posted 8/23/2013 20:19 PM

But this is a double standard. She doesn't have to earn your love, yet you have to earn hers?

Yeah, that is a load of crap. I don't believe healthy relationships are about "earning" love - they're about giving love.

When I read the article, I thought it sounded like a man that was cheated on and she left and put all the blame on him. Hard to know for sure.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:24 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/23/2013 23:25 PM

This is too fluffy for me. Sounds like he needs some serious IC for a while. I mean, it's nice 'n all that, who wouldn't like it if a man had the intention of holding his woman's heart & love sacred? Still, it's just too fluffy for me. Then again, I'm severely damaged and may never be capable of a relationship with a man again.

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