((Cantaccept))
I am compelled to comment because I so remember the intensity of the pain those questions brought to my heart.
You make all the sense in the world. I and I'm sure many others here have felt the very same things you are feeling. I wanted answers to all the questions you are asking too. I am almost 4 years out and I still have my moments of comparison, feeling she must have been, and still is better than me. In my darker moments I tell FWH that he made the wrong choice. That he would have been much happier if he had chosen her. He assures me that is not the case but deep down I don't always believe him. It is so f'd up because intellectually, I KNOW she is not better than me. This whole affair crap absolutely decimates your self esteem.
I understand you wanting to hear from him how he feels now about what he was thinking then. You need that. He needs to give you what you need for you to heal properly. My FWH realizes how messed up his thinking was and is embarrassed and sickened by it now. I have told him that it is important that I know that. That I know he realizes his thinking was just plain wrong. It still hurts. It is always going to hurt knowing he risked everything for literally nothing. But he has to live with that too. That is a huge cross to bear.
He still says he didn't compare. I call bullshit on that. The fact that he gave her is time, attention, affection, money, calls, texts, sex...instead of me, showed that he chose to do all that with her because at the time he thought she WAS better. Well, she WAS better at one thing -making him feel good about himself. She drowned him in shallow one liners of validation. She told him he took her breath away and she had never met anyone like him. She told him he was the perfect man, and the perfect father to help raise her boys. And at the lowest point in his life, when he felt like a failure as a father and husband, she was "better" at stroking his ego and making him feel good about himself. So much so that he chose to abandon his morals and integrity, soak it all up and make himself feel better. Of course I've since discovered that words of validation is his primary love language.
It is much easier to be "better than" when you're the only one who knows you're competing and can always be "on your game." And when it is all fluff and fantasy with no real world responsibilities. I also got the "i don't like who I am when I'm around you." Well no duh! around me he couldn't escape the fact that he was a deceitful coward, but around her he was amazing and perfect. I made sure my H knew how unfair and ridiculously skewed it all was.
In the end, she had every advantage and yet, he still chose me because when he pulled his head from his rectum he knew she was broken, selfish, overbearing, fake and shallow. And...he also realized she couldn't hold a candle to me. Even the thought of her disgusts him now.
Yeah, I know, I'll never understand it either.
No matter how many people tell you it is not about you, and they aren't better than you, it takes a long time to process...and even longer for your heart to feel it. I'm sure the feelings are intensified too being the 1st Antiversary. That time was horrible for me. Go easy on yourself. Don't apologize for what you need. It takes some WS's a long time to really, truly "get it." Mine has, and I still struggle..
Hugs...