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choosing ap - implies comparisons???

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cantaccept posted 8/23/2013 07:30 AM

my h chose to leave me for ap on dday. He chose her over me.

To me this says, I believe she is better than you. Just by making a choice aren't you comparing by default?

H says he never compared. Just by choosing one thing over another or one person over another, doesn't that mean that a comparison was made? Even if it was subconcious?

I keep asking, "do you think about your choices then? Do you question why you thought she was better?"

I think I want to know that he realizes that his perceptions were flawed. That he recognizes that.

To me it feels that by choosing her, he was telling me, "she is better".

I now want to hear, why he believes that is wrong. I want to hear how he sees me now. I want to hear how wrong he was for believing she was better than me.

I believe that I am a good person, that I have a lot to offer. I believe that he did not appreciate what he had.

Maybe I want to hear that he believes this now.

Does this make any sense?

AStar posted 8/23/2013 07:40 AM

I think its natural to look at the AP and compare them to you. This is by the BS.
I am not so sure the WS does a conscious comparison- maybe on a subconcious level there is a comparison to you, but I don't think its deliberate. Or even well thought out because I doubt WS is rational or objective.
I think the WS chooses the AP not because they are necessarily better, thinner, blonder, smarter (insert own comparison of choice here).
They choose AP because they make WS feel good about themselves in their self constructed fantasy world. It sadly has almost nothing to do with you and that hurts.
AP validates the jumbled mess fantasy in WS head. The only consolation is that if they choose AP, building their lives together on a foundation of lies and betrayal means its a matter of time before it implodes. His choices - good or bad - are his choices. Dont beat yourself up about his whys. You may never know.

cantaccept posted 8/23/2013 07:51 AM

We are trying to R.

I think that is why I need to hear why he believes his thoughts were wrong.

Does this make sense?

It felt like every time he chose her over me, and there were many times, that he was saying,"she is the better choice".

I think I want to hear, now that he is back, why I am now the better choice. What does he see in me now that he was not able to see before.

Maybe it's to hear him taking ownership of his bad choices, taking the responsibility for the damage.

If he felt that she was the better choice then, how has that changed? What does he think now, about what he was thinking then.

I am trying so hard to find a way to make this hurt less.

It is so hard to be replaced. This is what he did, it was for a brief time, but the pain lingers.

By leaving me for another woman, he said to me and to the world, I have found someone better.

Again, does this make any sense?

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/23/2013 07:59 AM

I look at it as my WS chose HIMSELF - not me or her, just him. Because it wasn't about who was nicer or prettier or loved him more or whatever it was all about what made him feel good. Completely selfish.

plainpain posted 8/23/2013 08:10 AM

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's hard to believe, I know, but I agree with the others who have said that it's not about choosing between you and another woman - it's about choosing which version of himself he'd rather be. With you he is the WS. With OW he is greatest guy alive. When my H had his affair he was feeling very, very low about himself. OW respected him because she had very low self-esteem, expectations and standards. She thought his lying, cheating, deceiving self was AMAZING. Me, not so much. If there is any comparison, it is just a comparison of his own self.

AStar posted 8/23/2013 08:16 AM

I am so sorry you are hurting badly, can'taccept. And yes, what you are saying does make sense.
However, how is choosing AP better? How can a lying deceitful woman be a better choice than you? Your H will have all sorts of justifications as to why he choose AP... None of them make much sense except that it was his selfish, self-interested choice. It's about him- not you.
She was never the better choice. She was the convenient choice to pander to his selfish betrayal of you.
IMO he said to the world I am a dick and that is what I am thinking with. I don't care that I hurt can'taccept....
In R he needs to own up to his bad decisions and help you with your hurt. Because he did hurt you.

Sparkles posted 8/23/2013 08:17 AM

it's about choosing which version of himself he'd rather be. With you he is the WS. With OW he is greatest guy alive.

This is the truth. When I got the ILYBNILWY speech I did not know there was another woman and he vehemently denied it. He also said he didn't like who he was around me and the kids. Well, of course he didn't! Around us, he was a cheater and a liar. A man who was mistreating his wife and kids. This is a man who formerly valued a "handshake agreement" Around her, he was the greatest thing since sliced cheese.

That said, I totally get why you would want to hear from him why you are the better choice. I can't imagine trying to reconcile without that.

TheRealDeal posted 8/23/2013 08:18 AM

I look at it as my WS chose HIMSELF - not me or her, just him. Because it wasn't about who was nicer or prettier or loved him more or whatever it was all about what made him feel good. Completely selfish.

^^^this^^^ 100% accurate.

It has nothing to do with you, your appearance, what you did/didn't do...nothing.

He was looking for something inside himself and rather than doing any soul-searching, he found someone who thought he was perfect "as-is". And because that was an easier option, he chose the easier path.

cantaccept posted 8/23/2013 08:58 AM

I am trying so hard to confirm to myself that I am a wonderful person. I know that by honoring my vows, remaining faithful, not insinuating myself and adding to anothers struggles in life that I am a more compassionate, loving and honorable person than ow.

What I want from h is how he sees me now. What does he think about now with regard to his choices and behavior. What does he think about the way he thought about me then compared to now. Why am I the better choice now.

I am thinking of it as maybe flipping it over. He made me feel disposable, how does he make me feel that he values me now. Does he question how he could have thought how he did? Does he believe that he failed to appreciate me? Does he believe that his comparisons between ow and me were distorted? What does he see in me now that he failed to see? Why could he not see me?

I am in a very bad place today, at work, not able to function. Today is the one year mark of the start of his a.

Of course I did not know then, it makes me sad for the innocent, trusting woman that I was. I miss that. I grieve for that feeling that there was one person in the world that would never hurt me. That would never make choices that would break my heart because he just didn't care what happened to me. I just don't feel like me anymore. I feel ashamed that I am not stronger.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/23/2013 09:09 AM

You were always the better choice

When he chose her he chose the easy way out, Reconciling is hard and takes work. His AP has shown him she's willing to settle for less, while with you he has to work for it (I hope I'm making sense!) I struggled with the comparison piece, but the consensus on SI and with others is the same, his actions or selfish ways having nothing to do with you or with anything you've done. And the fact that he's in R (and presumably NC with his AP) means he knows he screwed up and could've lost a great spouse.

Does he believe that his comparisons between ow and me were distorted?

Yes -- I think so. The grass is greener on the other side. Remember when you and your H were first dating and were in the "honeymoon" period? This is what the A is like. Everything is perfect and exciting and the AP doesn't have the same expectations as a spouse -- only for WH/WW to realize (down the road) that this person isn't so perfect and what was once exciting is now normal

You're stronger then you realize and you have no reason to feel ashamed.


[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

cantaccept posted 8/23/2013 09:28 AM

I know I am the better choice! Even though sometimes I am so hard on myself, this certainly takes its toll on your self-esteem.

I think I want to hear from him that he thinks I am the better choice. He threw me away once, now I need proof that he appreciates what he has.

I am trying to make sense of these feelings. I just don't want to stay stuck here.

His actions said to me, "I do not value you". What actions would say the opposite???

Am I making any sense at all?

I tried to talk to h about this today and he didn't get it at all.

He just kept saying,"I don't compare you". But in my head his actions show that he did. When you make a choice between two things, you are deciding which is better.

I guess I want to hear that he sees his choice as wrong and why???

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/23/2013 09:55 AM

Has he told you that you are better than OW? I know my H has told me many times how he sees her - as a liar who only cared about herself - he even can see that she didn't even really care about him, only the fantasy of him she had in her mind. He has told me over and over how strong I am and that I am 10 times the woman she will ever be.

I don't know if these things would help you. I do believe that many many WS's don't see what they have until they have lost it. My H said it was like he was blind and all of the sudden his eyes were opened and he saw me, his kids, his life - everything that was important to him and how he was effing it all up. I DO have to somehow accept that he did not care about me like I thought he did. That he did hurt me and not think about me or my feelings once. It is the only way I will be able to move on and begin this "new" marriage. It's tough and sucks but it is my reality now.

TrustGone posted 8/23/2013 10:29 AM

It took me a long time to quit trying to compare myself to the OW. My WH#2 did not want her over me except for his own selfish needs and the way she made him feel about himself. It was a LTA (3yrs) and I am sure in the beginning it was like any new relationship. Then the new wore off and he started to see her for what she really was; a mental, desperate, middle aged woman that in no way was as good as what he had with me and our life together. He began to see what he would be losing with her and losing with me, so I guess in a way it was a type of comparison.

When she attempted to make me leave him by outing the A to me, not once, but twice he finally woke up to the kind of sick person she really was. He realized she would not be welcome in his families home or around our friends. They all told him that she was comparable to his wayward ex-wife, who they all despised and he would wind up with someone just like her.

Now, he has never told me any of this and probably never will. But thats OK with me. I know I am a better person than she will ever be. I told him that any woman that lowered themselves to get involved with a married man had some serious mental issues and that he needed to look inside himself and see what made him think that he could have ever been happy with someone like her. He has said he never planned on D me and to him it was just about the sex and our lack of sex, but she made it out to be alot more than what it was. He just went along with it to keep her quiet and he never thought she would out the A or that I would ever find out. He said he tried numerous times to end it with her, but she would threathen to tell me if he did and he didn't know how to stop it. Am I happy with that explaination...NO!! I am not, but that is the way he sees it. He knows he loves me and never wants to take another chance on losing me and he knows if he ever does it again he will.

I just have to remind myself daily that the A had nothing to do with me, that the OW in no way compares to the woman I am, and that hopefully he never goes down that road of self distruction again.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/23/2013 10:47 AM

You're making total sense

I guess I want to hear that he sees his choice as wrong and why???

This is something I needed and couldn't even consider R until he could answer that. Because "I don't know" or "Just because" was never a good enough answer. He was finally able to come up with a coherent response that made sense!

minorsong posted 8/23/2013 13:04 PM

I am compelled to comment because I so remember the intensity of the pain those questions brought to my heart.
You make all the sense in the world. I and I'm sure many others here have felt the very same things you are feeling. I wanted answers to all the questions you are asking too. I am almost 4 years out and I still have my moments of comparison, feeling she must have been, and still is better than me. In my darker moments I tell FWH that he made the wrong choice. That he would have been much happier if he had chosen her. He assures me that is not the case but deep down I don't always believe him. It is so f'd up because intellectually, I KNOW she is not better than me. This whole affair crap absolutely decimates your self esteem.
I understand you wanting to hear from him how he feels now about what he was thinking then. You need that. He needs to give you what you need for you to heal properly. My FWH realizes how messed up his thinking was and is embarrassed and sickened by it now. I have told him that it is important that I know that. That I know he realizes his thinking was just plain wrong. It still hurts. It is always going to hurt knowing he risked everything for literally nothing. But he has to live with that too. That is a huge cross to bear.
He still says he didn't compare. I call bullshit on that. The fact that he gave her is time, attention, affection, money, calls, texts, sex...instead of me, showed that he chose to do all that with her because at the time he thought she WAS better. Well, she WAS better at one thing -making him feel good about himself. She drowned him in shallow one liners of validation. She told him he took her breath away and she had never met anyone like him. She told him he was the perfect man, and the perfect father to help raise her boys. And at the lowest point in his life, when he felt like a failure as a father and husband, she was "better" at stroking his ego and making him feel good about himself. So much so that he chose to abandon his morals and integrity, soak it all up and make himself feel better. Of course I've since discovered that words of validation is his primary love language.
It is much easier to be "better than" when you're the only one who knows you're competing and can always be "on your game." And when it is all fluff and fantasy with no real world responsibilities. I also got the "i don't like who I am when I'm around you." Well no duh! around me he couldn't escape the fact that he was a deceitful coward, but around her he was amazing and perfect. I made sure my H knew how unfair and ridiculously skewed it all was.

In the end, she had every advantage and yet, he still chose me because when he pulled his head from his rectum he knew she was broken, selfish, overbearing, fake and shallow. And...he also realized she couldn't hold a candle to me. Even the thought of her disgusts him now.
Yeah, I know, I'll never understand it either.

No matter how many people tell you it is not about you, and they aren't better than you, it takes a long time to process...and even longer for your heart to feel it. I'm sure the feelings are intensified too being the 1st Antiversary. That time was horrible for me. Go easy on yourself. Don't apologize for what you need. It takes some WS's a long time to really, truly "get it." Mine has, and I still struggle..


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