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strongerdaybyday (original poster member #40264) posted at 2:57 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
do you ever apologize for losing your cool with your spouse after learning about the A or after a trigger has set you off? Just wondering -- I lost it on my WH today (trigger moment) not hitting, just yelling, and I left the situation, but I didn't apologize and my friend, who also was cheated on (years before me and has since had MC/IC and is in R) says that her MC told her to apologize after those situations, not for the emotions or how she feels but for the words she used (most of them not so nice
) because this type of hostility is "unproductive". Not sure I agree with this and thought I should ask others who've been through this.
Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
41andthankful ( member #38650) posted at 3:05 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
Hi, I did apologize a lot. One of my biggest struggles in the beginning was my response to him. I would torture myself if I said things that hurt him because that is just how I'm wired. I have found better ways to express myself without causing more harm.
krazy8516 ( member #40076) posted at 3:10 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I did (and do) apologize to my WS sometimes, although I have been told many times that I owe him no such sorry. But that's never been the way I operate. I always say sorry so long as I agree that I was in the wrong. Yes, he was an ass. But that doesn't require me to be an ass also. Two wrongs don't make a right, you know?
me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
hopefulmother ( member #38790) posted at 3:21 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I am almost a year since Dday. I apologize too. I want this to work. When we get into arguments or discussions because of my triggers, I can be pretty lethal.
I am not apologizing because of my feelings, just the way I come across.
We both need to heal. Me from the pain and destruction he caused and him from the man that lacked the moral values and self-esteem to make the right choices. That isn't going to happen if I make him feel worthless all the time due to my triggers.
I am not saying it is my job to heal him. I am just saying that we are not going to get anywhere if I break him down. I am sure he does that to himself all on his own.
Besides, I refuse to allow his A change who I am. I want to heal, not become some bitter, resentful, hateful, and entitled women because of him and the AP.
Me-BW 44
WH-44 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 children
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.
NeverAgain2013 ( member #38121) posted at 3:32 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
LMAO! Apologize to him for calling him a fucking scumbag and calling her a piece of shit whore?
1,000 times over the course of 5 months?
He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me.
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.
strongerdaybyday (original poster member #40264) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me
That's how I feel...it's only been two months and he wants to R, but, I can't bring myself to apologize.
I feel like if he didn't have sex with another woman he wouldn't be dealing with my hurt and anger
BUT I do understand what the other posters are saying such as
Yes, he was an ass. But that doesn't require me to be an ass also.
and
I have found better ways to express myself without causing more harm
and
That isn't going to happen if I make him feel worthless all the time due to my triggers
Thanks
Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
jjsr ( member #34353) posted at 3:57 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
We were having this discussion last night. I did apologize because I over reacted. Healing from this takes a lot of time. Trusting again takes time. Even at 2 years out, its still isn't complete for us in R yet. We keep working on it.
Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.
carnelian ( member #24824) posted at 4:05 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
For all the stuff said in the months after D-Day? No. I feel my anger was extremely productive in making him face himself and getting the help he needed.
[This message edited by carnelian at 10:06 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]
What are you going to do when he leaves you?
nestlee ( member #39871) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I never apologized and never will. I only called him what he is a Liar a cheater and a filthy pig. If he's hurt by this oh well ..cause the truth hurts.
A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.
ShockedErica11 ( member #37550) posted at 4:25 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me.
^^^THIS!!
I'm using this forever and ever. Thank you for this gem.
But on a more serious note, I'm on the fence. Sometimes, I apologize, but other times I don't. I'm of the mind, like a previous poster, I was civil and what have you during his TT, and really just wanted answers. Yes, before that, I admit that I too can be lethal when I'm pissed, sarcasm becomes my language of choice and I'm like Mister Miyagi and "show NO mercy". I burn hot as an inferno, but once I've burned off the more active emotions my rational mind takes over and then I want to talk. I struggle with the fact that other people's emotions don't move that fast in which they can switch gears at lightning speed; especially not WH's.
So, sometimes, I apologize. Other times, I think like a poster said above: you had me at the most rational and wanting to talk and then you lied to me? You took two years of my life away from me and I'm still expected to be dignified and civil and treat you with respect after you single-handedly disrespected me? You acted like an entitled, pompous asshole and I'm expected to not show one iota of how pissed off this makes me?
Screw that.
And I hate that because usually I'm much nicer. It's funny how much of "true" myself has retreated since this mess started.
One too many D-days; taking it one day at a time.
(Full story: see profile)
BeyondBreaking ( member #38020) posted at 4:33 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I apologized.
Just as we expect our spouses to be in control of themselves and communicate with US clearly...we need to do our best to do the same.
YOU are in control of how you act. Not him, YOU.
Flying off the handle is unproductive, and it is a lack of control. We have all been there, but it's not nice, and it's not being the best we can be, so I do apologize for the times that I yell and throw tantrums at WH.
Just because he was a jerk does not give me the right to be one.
I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 4:55 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I have never apoligized for what I have said to him. It was the truth as I saw it and he deserved it. I have apoligized for losing it to the point of throwing a drink in his face once. It was not productive to our R efforts or the way I should have handled his OW attempting to break NC and him not telling me she did. I try my best not to continue to throw the A up to him and lower his self-esteem, because let's face it, that is what caused him to cheat in the first place. I do however point out to him when he does something I consider selfish and he now apoligizes for these things himself. I will never apoligize for calling him a lying, manipulative, sleazy cheating SOB because that was what he was.
XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
Alex CR ( member #27968) posted at 7:03 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I apologized about a year past DDay when something screwy came up on a bill after he made a purchase on his computer. I totally freaked out...he came home from work in the middle of the day because I was so crazy on the phone telling him to get out. He kept apologizing telling me he didn't know anything about it. He never got defensive. We ended up calling the company and it turned out he was telling the truth.
I did not apologize for jumping all over him, though...I apologized because I did not take the time to get the facts first.
That was when I realized H was trying hard to help me heal and I needed to let up a little on both him and me. As more things came along over time that raised my antenna and they proved to be nothing I found it easier and my reactions became less volatile.....but I would never have been that volatile if H hadn't cheated so no apology for the anger or pain.....they are totally a result of his actions.
Apologizing is something both of us have learned to do more of now but almost four years out, it's usually for things that are not A related.
BS Me 63
WS Him 64
Married 35
Together 41
DD 11/16/09
I can dwell in the negative or seek the positive...one road is lonely...the other teeming with life.
Scubachick ( member #39906) posted at 7:51 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I apologize when I say something unusually mean or stupid. Sometimes I wonder how much of my reaction to his EA is coming from my past? I just didn't expect to fall apart like this and I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I use to be able to sit in my therapists office and tell him horrible details about things that were done to me as a child and not shed a tear. I could disassociate myself from the pain and trauma. As soon as I start to talk about my husband and what he did, the tears flow and I can barely breathe.
strongerdaybyday (original poster member #40264) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
@ scubachick
As soon as I start to talk about my husband and what he did, the tears flow and I can barely breathe.
((HUGS)) When I talk about my H and his A I feel the same way.
Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
ButterflyGirl ( member #38377) posted at 8:06 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
No, but I should apologize to those poor glass dishes that met their demise in a garbage can...
huRtZ413 ( member #39214) posted at 8:11 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
i say sorry alot cause i make stabs and rude comments alot so yeah.....its reminds me of the song
please dont leave me-by pink
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
whatamidoing ( member #37152) posted at 9:10 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I said sorry for my lack in our relationship
I said sorry for some of my strong reactions
I said sorry for not getting over this
I said sorry for making up a person who didn't really exist
I say sorry almost every day
and I am
I am not getting better at sayin sorry to myself
that is new
A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife
Lonelygirl10 ( member #39850) posted at 9:36 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I really struggle with this. I apologize a lot. My IC says that I apologize too much, for stuff that I shouldn't apologize for. I have this urge to make sure that he's never upset at me, because I live in fear that he'll cheat again. But often as soon as I apologize, I get angry at having to apologize. None of this is my fault. He cheated. He caused my anger and depression. Why should I have to apologize? But, I do.
HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013
I don't apologize for anything I have said that is related to the infidelities.
I did apologize to him last week for telling him to "shut up" when he tried to explain (make excuses) for something that was not A related. I told him "I should not have saidshut up, I should have said, I don't want to talk to you right now or listen to anything you have to say unless it is an apology." That would have been better communication on my part.
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
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