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Do you ever apologize to your WH/WW

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strongerdaybyday posted 8/23/2013 08:57 AM

do you ever apologize for losing your cool with your spouse after learning about the A or after a trigger has set you off? Just wondering -- I lost it on my WH today (trigger moment) not hitting, just yelling, and I left the situation, but I didn't apologize and my friend, who also was cheated on (years before me and has since had MC/IC and is in R) says that her MC told her to apologize after those situations, not for the emotions or how she feels but for the words she used (most of them not so nice ) because this type of hostility is "unproductive". Not sure I agree with this and thought I should ask others who've been through this.

41andthankful posted 8/23/2013 09:05 AM

Hi, I did apologize a lot. One of my biggest struggles in the beginning was my response to him. I would torture myself if I said things that hurt him because that is just how I'm wired. I have found better ways to express myself without causing more harm.

krazy8516 posted 8/23/2013 09:10 AM

I did (and do) apologize to my WS sometimes, although I have been told many times that I owe him no such sorry. But that's never been the way I operate. I always say sorry so long as I agree that I was in the wrong. Yes, he was an ass. But that doesn't require me to be an ass also. Two wrongs don't make a right, you know?

hopefulmother posted 8/23/2013 09:21 AM

I am almost a year since Dday. I apologize too. I want this to work. When we get into arguments or discussions because of my triggers, I can be pretty lethal.

I am not apologizing because of my feelings, just the way I come across.

We both need to heal. Me from the pain and destruction he caused and him from the man that lacked the moral values and self-esteem to make the right choices. That isn't going to happen if I make him feel worthless all the time due to my triggers.

I am not saying it is my job to heal him. I am just saying that we are not going to get anywhere if I break him down. I am sure he does that to himself all on his own.

Besides, I refuse to allow his A change who I am. I want to heal, not become some bitter, resentful, hateful, and entitled women because of him and the AP.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/23/2013 09:32 AM

LMAO! Apologize to him for calling him a fucking scumbag and calling her a piece of shit whore?

1,000 times over the course of 5 months?

He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/23/2013 09:45 AM

He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me

That's how I feel...it's only been two months and he wants to R, but, I can't bring myself to apologize.
I feel like if he didn't have sex with another woman he wouldn't be dealing with my hurt and anger
BUT I do understand what the other posters are saying such as

Yes, he was an ass. But that doesn't require me to be an ass also.
and
I have found better ways to express myself without causing more harm
and
That isn't going to happen if I make him feel worthless all the time due to my triggers

Thanks

jjsr posted 8/23/2013 09:57 AM

We were having this discussion last night. I did apologize because I over reacted. Healing from this takes a lot of time. Trusting again takes time. Even at 2 years out, its still isn't complete for us in R yet. We keep working on it.

carnelian posted 8/23/2013 10:05 AM

For all the stuff said in the months after D-Day? No. I feel my anger was extremely productive in making him face himself and getting the help he needed.

[This message edited by carnelian at 10:06 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

nestlee posted 8/23/2013 10:11 AM

I never apologized and never will. I only called him what he is a Liar a cheater and a filthy pig. If he's hurt by this oh well ..cause the truth hurts.

ShockedErica11 posted 8/23/2013 10:25 AM

He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me.

^^^THIS!!

I'm using this forever and ever. Thank you for this gem.

But on a more serious note, I'm on the fence. Sometimes, I apologize, but other times I don't. I'm of the mind, like a previous poster, I was civil and what have you during his TT, and really just wanted answers. Yes, before that, I admit that I too can be lethal when I'm pissed, sarcasm becomes my language of choice and I'm like Mister Miyagi and "show NO mercy". I burn hot as an inferno, but once I've burned off the more active emotions my rational mind takes over and then I want to talk. I struggle with the fact that other people's emotions don't move that fast in which they can switch gears at lightning speed; especially not WH's.

So, sometimes, I apologize. Other times, I think like a poster said above: you had me at the most rational and wanting to talk and then you lied to me? You took two years of my life away from me and I'm still expected to be dignified and civil and treat you with respect after you single-handedly disrespected me? You acted like an entitled, pompous asshole and I'm expected to not show one iota of how pissed off this makes me?

Screw that.

And I hate that because usually I'm much nicer. It's funny how much of "true" myself has retreated since this mess started.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/23/2013 10:33 AM

I apologized.

Just as we expect our spouses to be in control of themselves and communicate with US clearly...we need to do our best to do the same.

YOU are in control of how you act. Not him, YOU.

Flying off the handle is unproductive, and it is a lack of control. We have all been there, but it's not nice, and it's not being the best we can be, so I do apologize for the times that I yell and throw tantrums at WH.

Just because he was a jerk does not give me the right to be one.

TrustGone posted 8/23/2013 10:55 AM

I have never apoligized for what I have said to him. It was the truth as I saw it and he deserved it. I have apoligized for losing it to the point of throwing a drink in his face once. It was not productive to our R efforts or the way I should have handled his OW attempting to break NC and him not telling me she did. I try my best not to continue to throw the A up to him and lower his self-esteem, because let's face it, that is what caused him to cheat in the first place. I do however point out to him when he does something I consider selfish and he now apoligizes for these things himself. I will never apoligize for calling him a lying, manipulative, sleazy cheating SOB because that was what he was.

Alex CR posted 8/23/2013 13:03 PM

I apologized about a year past DDay when something screwy came up on a bill after he made a purchase on his computer. I totally freaked out...he came home from work in the middle of the day because I was so crazy on the phone telling him to get out. He kept apologizing telling me he didn't know anything about it. He never got defensive. We ended up calling the company and it turned out he was telling the truth.

I did not apologize for jumping all over him, though...I apologized because I did not take the time to get the facts first.

That was when I realized H was trying hard to help me heal and I needed to let up a little on both him and me. As more things came along over time that raised my antenna and they proved to be nothing I found it easier and my reactions became less volatile.....but I would never have been that volatile if H hadn't cheated so no apology for the anger or pain.....they are totally a result of his actions.

Apologizing is something both of us have learned to do more of now but almost four years out, it's usually for things that are not A related.

Scubachick posted 8/23/2013 13:51 PM

I apologize when I say something unusually mean or stupid. Sometimes I wonder how much of my reaction to his EA is coming from my past? I just didn't expect to fall apart like this and I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I use to be able to sit in my therapists office and tell him horrible details about things that were done to me as a child and not shed a tear. I could disassociate myself from the pain and trauma. As soon as I start to talk about my husband and what he did, the tears flow and I can barely breathe.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/23/2013 13:53 PM

@ scubachick

As soon as I start to talk about my husband and what he did, the tears flow and I can barely breathe.

((HUGS)) When I talk about my H and his A I feel the same way.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/23/2013 14:06 PM

No, but I should apologize to those poor glass dishes that met their demise in a garbage can...

huRtZ413 posted 8/23/2013 14:11 PM

i say sorry alot cause i make stabs and rude comments alot so yeah.....its reminds me of the song
please dont leave me-by pink

whatamidoing posted 8/23/2013 15:10 PM

I said sorry for my lack in our relationship
I said sorry for some of my strong reactions
I said sorry for not getting over this
I said sorry for making up a person who didn't really exist
I say sorry almost every day
and I am
I am not getting better at sayin sorry to myself
that is new

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/23/2013 15:36 PM

I really struggle with this. I apologize a lot. My IC says that I apologize too much, for stuff that I shouldn't apologize for. I have this urge to make sure that he's never upset at me, because I live in fear that he'll cheat again. But often as soon as I apologize, I get angry at having to apologize. None of this is my fault. He cheated. He caused my anger and depression. Why should I have to apologize? But, I do.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/23/2013 15:46 PM

I don't apologize for anything I have said that is related to the infidelities.

I did apologize to him last week for telling him to "shut up" when he tried to explain (make excuses) for something that was not A related. I told him "I should not have saidshut up, I should have said, I don't want to talk to you right now or listen to anything you have to say unless it is an apology." That would have been better communication on my part.

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