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User Topic: Why would my nightmares be back?
♀ 35799
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I are doing ok - we are 15 months post d-day #1. He is supportive and caring - transparent - we are in IC and MC.

Initially I had terrible sleep disturbances. Mostly mind movies and nightmares.

Over the last month I am having nightmares again. They are terribly vivid. They take the same pattern and I re-live the night WH told me that he had been involved with other women. I had absolutely no idea it was a PA but was concerned that he was having an EA with mOW#1 and we were awake talking about it. The scenario is him sitting on our bed and him saying to me over and over "you mustn't reject her if I tell you" - "she needs me". There he was ripping my heart out and gutting me and all the concern he had was for mOW. Then he was angry at me because I collapsed crying hysterically - I could hardly breath it hurt so much. I truly thought I was going to die. WH got really cross at me and simply got up and left - he got into the car and drove off. It was 2am and I had no idea where he'd gone other than it might be to mOW#1 or to potentially "top himself".

I have been re-living this terrible memory in my dreams. I don't always wake but last night I was so distressed I think WH woke me. My heart was pounding and I was crying and sobbing into my pillow.

I don't understand why I would be having these dreams again. I am scared to go to sleep in case I have one. It has been months since I had them and now they are back most nights.

I can't think of a trigger at all - it was our wedding anniversary yesterday but they have been back for weeks.

Has anyone found ways to try and control what you dream about?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 9:10 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

On D-day:
BS 47 (me)
WH 51 - Toasted22
M 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24) at discovery.
D-Days 2012 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA once 2010

Posts: 915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: NZ
♀ 24824
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think this is your instincts telling you something?

What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 567 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just this past anniversary, which was also my one year DDay, a couple of weeks before I was as sad as when all this was going on, back about a year before DDay when I thought i was either crazy or he was having an A. I found myself crying everyday again. Hurting just like I did before even the suicidal thoughts were beginning to creep back.
I never had nightmares because I couldn't sleep.

These were my doubts creeping back.

I am wondering if this is you subconsciously wondering if all is well. If she hasn't contacted him in some way? Or if he hasn't contacted Ow. You have forgiven a lot. Talk to him, talk to your T. Whatever to make you feel better. You have some doubts.


Me, 47 BS
H, 65 WH
2 boys 23 and 18 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 523 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had this at about the same time. My H would wake me, because I would wake him from my thrashing or crying. It wasn't always the same thing I was dreaming but always about him leaving me.

So I took some time to really really think about this, and where we were at that point in our R. What I found was I had a real fear of things that were outside of my control. I feared that he would walk in one day even though things were great, and say I'm done. I feared that he would cheat again, even after he did all the hard work to figure out why, and change those things at a very basic level.
I feared that my kids would grow up with a hatred for their dad if he left, and then it would spiral....
What stopped it?
A few things, one finally accepting that no matter what I did, I could not control him, and believe me that is some scary shit. He would ultimately make his own choices, no matter what. I could not force him to stay, he would stay because he wanted to. We talked about this at length, and he always reassured me, and once real R started he always told me his job as H, and dad was to make sure we were happy every day. He was consistent with that.
Lastly I think they finally stopped when I knew that NO MATTER what happened I would be ok. I was happy with me. I could make it without him, and be just fine. Spiritualy, financially, and fundementally. I was a pretty neat chick, and he was damn lucky to have me.

I dont' know if this helps you figure out how to wade through it. The other thing I did was start taking my Ativan at bedtime again for a while, at least if I was having the bad dreams I wasn't aaware of it.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13279 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 4

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