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fdupbigtime posted 8/23/2013 09:21 AM

That you are trying to help and Heal?

I had multiple affairs over a few months time. It all started in mid Feb. A one night stand and a recurring A that lasted until late may/early june. D-Day was 06-14. That's the day my wife discovered everything and the day I called the OW and told her my wife knew all about us and it was over. I have had absolutely no contact with the OW since that day. I have been open about everything, I told the BS about my other texting program, I have given her passwords on the phone accts and my email. I wrote her a letter telling about the affair. I know how bad I screwed up and am working to fix it.

I told her we had sex in the car, I sold the car. I have my other vehicles for sale just because the OW rode in them.

I told her I had sex in my office. on my day off I completely stripped my office of everything including counters, repainted and installed new counters, new chairs everything.

I told her we had slept together in our house, I threw the bed out and have since bought us a new home. We have yet to move. We closed over 3 weeks ago and have only begun to pack. I can't seem to get her motivated to get out of the house that she hates.

Last night she triggered, and we got to talking. She asked me if she would of left me DURING THE AFFAIR would I of gone to the OW. I said yes. She now thinks I said that if she was to leave me now I would still be with the OW. Which would never happen. I know they sound similar but have hugely different meanings. I am 2000% done with the OW and NEVER want anything to do with her again

When we talk she has a rage that builds and soon she is yelling things at me, asking me questions then cutting me off when I try to answer or calling me a liar. When I get frustrated and yell back to please let me talk, suddenly I'm becoming defensive. is it defensive to want to get the truth out, not the movies going in her head that are feeding the rage?

I try to answer all her questions, I don't know exact dates, I don't remember exact conversations or text messages. When I have left out a detail that I thought was unimportant and it comes up, suddenly I am a liar by omission.

I make mistakes but I try to monitor everything that comes out of my mouth. Last night we fought over a sliding back door. a few weeks ago I made a comment that our new house had a perfect wall to install a sliding back door. I thought nothing of it. She has associated that door with the OW, that I want the door because the OW has one on her house. I just thought it would be cool to walk out onto a deck in the back yard.

My other question is she always tells me to leave her alone, when she triggers. I can't!! I feel that we need to talk to get over the movies playing in her head. Should I leave her alone? or continue to try and talk it out?

I am kind of rambling today so I do apologize if this only makes sense in my head.

Any communication help would be greatly appreciated.

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/23/2013 09:46 AM

You convince them that you're trying to help and heal by honoring their requests...

she always tells me to leave her alone, when she triggers. I can't!! I feel that we need to talk

...not by saying, as you have here, "I don't care what she wants, because my way is better!"

You asked for communication help. What I'm sensing is that you're angry at BW for yelling at you and calling you a liar. And you're frustrated because you can't replace BW's thoughts/actions like you can replace a car or house: you can't "motivate her" to move, she "misinterpreted" what you said about leaving her for the OW, she was wrong about why you wanted a sliding door.

BW is not wrong. Her feelings are valid. She's hurt, she's afraid. Acknowledge those feelings. Honor her requests. Drop the defenses.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/23/2013 10:09 AM

You can't help her. Her recovery is her work to do. Don't try to solve her problems.

Just be a safe place for her to express her pain and rage.

Silentthoughts posted 8/23/2013 10:32 AM

I agree that if she asks for space you should give it to her. During a calm moment could you let her know you hear her request to give her space and you will do it but let her know you are there when she is ready to talk?

MCJLM posted 8/24/2013 01:46 AM

How do you convince them? I have struggled with this for a long time. I have always felt if my BS could just see it from my perspective, it's so clear. I know the bad choices I've made, the person I was then, and that I would never, ever do anything to hurt him or lose my marriage again. However, based upon the trauma I have put him through, I know now that he can't do this ON MY TIME FRAME. Just because it makes sense in my head, it doesn't to him yet. My actions before, during, and even after the A have significantly screwed with his sense of reality. So only my consistent actions to make him feel safe and alot of time can hopefully repair this damage. My therapist always reminds me that with any trauma, a person needs time and space from it to heal. And this is major trauma. So I am learning to better respect his space when he asks for it and realize there is nothing I can do for him at this point except go to work on myself.
I am a fixer by nature. And most of the time, I am able to do this in many situations quite successfully. I finally had to give up this part of me, or control, and realize I am on his time, his way. Believe me, this is still a work in progress for me. And my words, explanations, answers, call them what you may, really don't make him feel safe, especially in moments of anger. And I've realized that although the physical changes I have done, i.e.getting rid of my car, etc., may help, my BS is really looking to see the inward changes in me. (Boundary setting, healthy coping skills, protecting him and our marriage, etc.)
I often, too, feel my words get lost in translation. I could say something with the best of intentions, or even with no ill intent for that matter, and it can blow up in my face. I have also tried to really think before I speak, but unfortunately, I am not perfect, and I can only keep trying. I'm sure they have a million more things going on in their heads than we do right now.
Anyways, good luck to you. This is a long, grueling process that is well worth the fight, in my opinion. They gave us a gift by choosing to try to reconcile. We have to respect their recovery and what comes along with it, no matter how difficult that may be at times.
But I can relate to alot of what you're going through.