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General :
My Ahha moment

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 shatteredheart7 (original poster member #39734) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013

I have been sitting here thinking a lot today. The house is quiet, now that the kids are back in school, and DH is in bed sleeping after working all night. I have wondered for a while why I wasn't more angry about his A.

I think I may have figured it out. His A started when we were going through a pretty rough time. My grandmother that I adored had just passed away, we had spent thousands of dollars to have his vasectomy reversed and it failed, he was depressed and wouldn't admit that he needed help, I was grieving for my grandma and the baby we wouldn't have. I know I distanced myself from him in every way, emotionally, physically, mentally.

It was about the time that his A started that I had heard from a very distant cousin of mine that I hadn't heard from in years. We had been extremely close growing up. He is my third or fourth cousin, and his dad was adopted into our family. In our teen years, when we found out we weren't blood related, we had gotten even closer. It was about that time that my parents ripped us apart. We didn't see each other for 15 yrs, both got married and had families. Well, when he contacted me we talked about how my life was going. I wasn't happy. He was very supportive of me, we talked every day for months. More than I was talking to my H. Yes, I love him. I always have and that will never change. However, we were not talking about us getting together in any way. I never even thought about that. He was giving me the support of a friend, support that my H wasn't, and I talked to his wife sometimes when he wouldn't be home. When I took my kids to Florida for spring break and didn't let my H go with us, I met his dd and his wife. His wife and I have become very good friends. I don't see the time I spent talking to him as an EA. It was a couple old friends just talking about their lives. I will say that he doesn't like my H, but then he really hasn't met him and he has admitted that he would never think anyone was good enough for me.

However, I have to wonder. If we had talked to each other instead of other people would he have made the decision to cheat? Did he feel my distance and really think it was over, like he says? I know I am not to blame for his decision to cheat, I'm NOT saying that. But IF it had been someone else that I was talking to, someone available would I have had an A also? I know we were both in a bad place at that time. I'm hurt and disgusted by what he did and who he did it with, but not angry at him. I think deep down I understand the place he was in...

I know we are much better now. Thanks to IC and MC, we have learned how to communicate with each other and we understand that we need to put each other first. Which means not turning to someone else when we have a problem.

Again, I am not taking any of the blame for his stupid decision. However, stepping back and looking in with an outside view, I can see how it would have been easy for her to lure him away. I also know that she was sitting back watching and waiting for the perfect opportunity to go after him. I had warned him about her the first time I met her.

Please no 2x4's.

Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2013
id 6460076
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Brandon808 ( member #35619) posted at 4:01 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013

No 2x4's here. It sounds like you're reaching a point where you understand without condoning. In other words Acceptance. This is an important step in your healing. Navigating your way to this realization was not easy.

posts: 4634   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2012
id 6460100
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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 4:07 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013

It is fine line between understanding our roles in the marriage before the A and taking responsibility. Your situation with your cousin sounds very dangerous; I see a lot of red flags. I could not confide in someone who didn't "like" my H. So, I think it is perceptive to see that you were also reaching out and having your needs met in an inappropriate way.

For me, my inappropriate need-meeting was over-emphasis on being a mom. Our son became where I was getting my needs for closeness, etc. met, and my husband got his met through the community at the gym. His became a ticking time bomb that eventually blew. Were we both responsible for not meeting each other's needs? Yes. We have made big changes here, and our marriage is 100% better. It is like a revelation. I recommend the book "His Needs, Her Needs" if you haven't read it.

Good luck on continued healing and insight.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6460105
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 shatteredheart7 (original poster member #39734) posted at 5:00 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013

Thank you both!

Honestly, I was afraid that maybe I was trying to take blame for his decision. Even though I know it wasn't my fault. As for my 'cousin', I am not sure that it is fair to say he didn't like him. He said "I don't know him, but he is hurting you and that I don't like. He will never be good enough for you but to be fair no one will ever be good enough in my eyes" He never once told me what to do. He was brutally honest with me. And turns out he was correct in what he thought was going on. But I know that I should have been telling my H how I was feeling instead of someone else.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I will check that out!

Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2013
id 6460212
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ladies_first ( member #24643) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, August 23rd, 2013

He was giving me the support of a friend, support that my H wasn't

Yes, that's an EA.

we understand that we need to put each other first. Which means not turning to someone else when we have a problem.

Yes, that's a primary lesson.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

posts: 2144   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2009
id 6460315
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Ostrich80 ( member #34827) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, August 24th, 2013

I have realized there are a few things I did that didn't help our M. Several things were going on and all erupted around the same time...he thought I didn't care about him, I thought he didn't care about me. There was no positive communication, in fact the only communication was a big eff off or the "you always or you never" digs. I don't accept responsibility for his A but I do accept some for not talking about things. Of course he was hard to talk to but I shut down and he found comfort in the ow. We are both avoiders and that's not a good thing. I've fought a lot of guilt and cut him a lot of slack due to guilt. Bottom line is, he made the choice to have an A...wish he would have just D me but didn't.

As weird as it sounds, I wasn't furious for him falling for the ow..I was for lying and sneaking behind my back. If he would have come to.me and said, its over, I don't l.y., I want out, I would not have been so angry

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 6:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

posts: 5738   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: midwest
id 6460797
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 shatteredheart7 (original poster member #39734) posted at 4:26 AM on Saturday, August 24th, 2013

Well, I guess I am having another ahha moment this evening.

LF, I never really thought of it as an EA before. I spent almost as much time talking with him as I did his wife. Sometimes talking to him with her sitting there. So she knew we talked obviously and what we talked about. My H also knew we talked daily. But I guess if my emotional needs were being met somewhere else, then yeah it was an EA.

Ostrich, I agree. And I can even remember asking him many many times if he wanted a D, if he wanted me to move out, if he wanted someone else. Every time he told me NO. It would have hurt a lot less if he just would have said yes. Even though we are now working it out and happy, it did take me moving out for him to see what he was losing. I am still angry about the lying to me. But now I just kind of get it, where he was at that time, just how broken he was.

ETA the rest of my sentence. Damn computer has a mind of its own tonight!

[This message edited by shatteredheart7 at 10:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2013
id 6461045
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purplejacket4 ( member #34262) posted at 5:29 AM on Saturday, August 24th, 2013

I don't consider that an emotional affair I consider it family.

Me: BS 50
Her: FWS 53 (both family med MDs; together 23 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
Limboconsiliationish
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

posts: 3013   ·   registered: Dec. 20th, 2011   ·   location: Here
id 6461096
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sunflowergirl30 ( member #28979) posted at 6:27 AM on Saturday, August 24th, 2013

Imo I wouldnt call that an EA either. He is family...you werent hiding anything. You werent disrespecting his wife, or yourself.

Be a total different story if you or he had"inappropriate feelings" if you and he were secretive and if you or your cousin were disrespecting your cousins marriage. So far sounds like thats not the case. Just because he isnt "blood" doesnt make him not family. Blood isnt everything. You were raised as cousins and thats that.

First D-day May 2010, Last D-day Sept 2015. Filed for divorce Nov. 2015
Divorce final March 4, 2016

To many false R’s to mention. One to many affairs to list. Cheaters suck, suck the life right out of you, as they smile in your face..




posts: 1182   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 6461118
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sunflowergirl30 ( member #28979) posted at 6:36 AM on Saturday, August 24th, 2013

Lots of my friends and family no longer like my wh. Thats his doing not mine. Im just sayin'

Thats great if someone can still like him when they know how shittybof a husband and father hes been.

I think liking someone and showing them respect are two different things. My fam doesnt care much for wh but out of respect for me they are respectful of wh.

Interesting thought.....wh didnt have to like me but he sure as shit should have respected me.

Sorry..thinking out loud. My male cousins are 26,18,17 and 15 lol no deep conversations to be had. Well maybe with my 26 yr old cousin but I an not close with any of my cousins male or female. After my dad died when I was 5..there was a big falling out and I saw them up until I was 8 and then not again until I was 18. After that its been every few years here and there. They are my blood. I want to love them but I dont know them. Its strange.

Anyhow...boundaries. Self respect...that staying true to you.

First D-day May 2010, Last D-day Sept 2015. Filed for divorce Nov. 2015
Divorce final March 4, 2016

To many false R’s to mention. One to many affairs to list. Cheaters suck, suck the life right out of you, as they smile in your face..




posts: 1182   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 6461122
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