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My Ahha moment

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shatteredheart7 posted 8/23/2013 09:45 AM

I have been sitting here thinking a lot today. The house is quiet, now that the kids are back in school, and DH is in bed sleeping after working all night. I have wondered for a while why I wasn't more angry about his A.

I think I may have figured it out. His A started when we were going through a pretty rough time. My grandmother that I adored had just passed away, we had spent thousands of dollars to have his vasectomy reversed and it failed, he was depressed and wouldn't admit that he needed help, I was grieving for my grandma and the baby we wouldn't have. I know I distanced myself from him in every way, emotionally, physically, mentally.

It was about the time that his A started that I had heard from a very distant cousin of mine that I hadn't heard from in years. We had been extremely close growing up. He is my third or fourth cousin, and his dad was adopted into our family. In our teen years, when we found out we weren't blood related, we had gotten even closer. It was about that time that my parents ripped us apart. We didn't see each other for 15 yrs, both got married and had families. Well, when he contacted me we talked about how my life was going. I wasn't happy. He was very supportive of me, we talked every day for months. More than I was talking to my H. Yes, I love him. I always have and that will never change. However, we were not talking about us getting together in any way. I never even thought about that. He was giving me the support of a friend, support that my H wasn't, and I talked to his wife sometimes when he wouldn't be home. When I took my kids to Florida for spring break and didn't let my H go with us, I met his dd and his wife. His wife and I have become very good friends. I don't see the time I spent talking to him as an EA. It was a couple old friends just talking about their lives. I will say that he doesn't like my H, but then he really hasn't met him and he has admitted that he would never think anyone was good enough for me.

However, I have to wonder. If we had talked to each other instead of other people would he have made the decision to cheat? Did he feel my distance and really think it was over, like he says? I know I am not to blame for his decision to cheat, I'm NOT saying that. But IF it had been someone else that I was talking to, someone available would I have had an A also? I know we were both in a bad place at that time. I'm hurt and disgusted by what he did and who he did it with, but not angry at him. I think deep down I understand the place he was in...

I know we are much better now. Thanks to IC and MC, we have learned how to communicate with each other and we understand that we need to put each other first. Which means not turning to someone else when we have a problem.

Again, I am not taking any of the blame for his stupid decision. However, stepping back and looking in with an outside view, I can see how it would have been easy for her to lure him away. I also know that she was sitting back watching and waiting for the perfect opportunity to go after him. I had warned him about her the first time I met her.

Please no 2x4's.

Brandon808 posted 8/23/2013 10:01 AM

No 2x4's here. It sounds like you're reaching a point where you understand without condoning. In other words Acceptance. This is an important step in your healing. Navigating your way to this realization was not easy.

bionicgal posted 8/23/2013 10:07 AM

It is fine line between understanding our roles in the marriage before the A and taking responsibility. Your situation with your cousin sounds very dangerous; I see a lot of red flags. I could not confide in someone who didn't "like" my H. So, I think it is perceptive to see that you were also reaching out and having your needs met in an inappropriate way.

For me, my inappropriate need-meeting was over-emphasis on being a mom. Our son became where I was getting my needs for closeness, etc. met, and my husband got his met through the community at the gym. His became a ticking time bomb that eventually blew. Were we both responsible for not meeting each other's needs? Yes. We have made big changes here, and our marriage is 100% better. It is like a revelation. I recommend the book "His Needs, Her Needs" if you haven't read it.

Good luck on continued healing and insight.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

shatteredheart7 posted 8/23/2013 11:00 AM

Thank you both!

Honestly, I was afraid that maybe I was trying to take blame for his decision. Even though I know it wasn't my fault. As for my 'cousin', I am not sure that it is fair to say he didn't like him. He said "I don't know him, but he is hurting you and that I don't like. He will never be good enough for you but to be fair no one will ever be good enough in my eyes" He never once told me what to do. He was brutally honest with me. And turns out he was correct in what he thought was going on. But I know that I should have been telling my H how I was feeling instead of someone else.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I will check that out!

ladies_first posted 8/23/2013 12:04 PM

He was giving me the support of a friend, support that my H wasn't

Yes, that's an EA.

we understand that we need to put each other first. Which means not turning to someone else when we have a problem.

Yes, that's a primary lesson.

Ostrich80 posted 8/23/2013 18:26 PM

I have realized there are a few things I did that didn't help our M. Several things were going on and all erupted around the same time...he thought I didn't care about him, I thought he didn't care about me. There was no positive communication, in fact the only communication was a big eff off or the "you always or you never" digs. I don't accept responsibility for his A but I do accept some for not talking about things. Of course he was hard to talk to but I shut down and he found comfort in the ow. We are both avoiders and that's not a good thing. I've fought a lot of guilt and cut him a lot of slack due to guilt. Bottom line is, he made the choice to have an A...wish he would have just D me but didn't.
As weird as it sounds, I wasn't furious for him falling for the ow..I was for lying and sneaking behind my back. If he would have come and said, its over, I don't l.y., I want out, I would not have been so angry

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 6:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

shatteredheart7 posted 8/23/2013 22:26 PM

Well, I guess I am having another ahha moment this evening.

LF, I never really thought of it as an EA before. I spent almost as much time talking with him as I did his wife. Sometimes talking to him with her sitting there. So she knew we talked obviously and what we talked about. My H also knew we talked daily. But I guess if my emotional needs were being met somewhere else, then yeah it was an EA.

Ostrich, I agree. And I can even remember asking him many many times if he wanted a D, if he wanted me to move out, if he wanted someone else. Every time he told me NO. It would have hurt a lot less if he just would have said yes. Even though we are now working it out and happy, it did take me moving out for him to see what he was losing. I am still angry about the lying to me. But now I just kind of get it, where he was at that time, just how broken he was.

ETA the rest of my sentence. Damn computer has a mind of its own tonight!

[This message edited by shatteredheart7 at 10:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

purplejacket4 posted 8/23/2013 23:29 PM

I don't consider that an emotional affair I consider it family.

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/24/2013 00:27 AM

Imo I wouldnt call that an EA either. He is werent hiding anything. You werent disrespecting his wife, or yourself.

Be a total different story if you or he had"inappropriate feelings" if you and he were secretive and if you or your cousin were disrespecting your cousins marriage. So far sounds like thats not the case. Just because he isnt "blood" doesnt make him not family. Blood isnt everything. You were raised as cousins and thats that.

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/24/2013 00:36 AM

Lots of my friends and family no longer like my wh. Thats his doing not mine. Im just sayin'

Thats great if someone can still like him when they know how shittybof a husband and father hes been.

I think liking someone and showing them respect are two different things. My fam doesnt care much for wh but out of respect for me they are respectful of wh.

Interesting thought.....wh didnt have to like me but he sure as shit should have respected me.

Sorry..thinking out loud. My male cousins are 26,18,17 and 15 lol no deep conversations to be had. Well maybe with my 26 yr old cousin but I an not close with any of my cousins male or female. After my dad died when I was 5..there was a big falling out and I saw them up until I was 8 and then not again until I was 18. After that its been every few years here and there. They are my blood. I want to love them but I dont know them. Its strange.

Anyhow...boundaries. Self respect...that staying true to you.

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