Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I have never had an A but had a problem with pills. I thankfully didn't have to hit "rock bottom" but with the loving intervention of my H (he DID care enough about me at least with that! :) I was able to recognize the downward spiral I was on and pick myself back up.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
On Dday he was confronted with the reality of the damage. I think he needed to see the devastation in order to R and demonstrate remorse.
We have learned through this struggle that both of us felt our marriage slipping but neither had the courage to say it openly. Thanks to hitting the rock bottom you speak of, we have been awakened to what we truly want and are finally working towards that.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I believe this time we finally had a nuclear blast that leveled everything. Thank god. This time is a completely fresh start.
So yes I do believe that pain is necessary to initiate a change. Sometimes a little pain is enough sometimes complete destruction is needed.
Chicho - I like your dynamite analogy. I do feel like there isn't anything new to explore. I don't mean that we are done exploring but that I think we have really hit a point where all the crap has been exposed and now we are sorting, healing, and figuring things out.
If I may geek out a moment, in AD&D you can take a party of adventurers and tell them they awake in a 10x10 cell with one door sitting open and the rest of the room is bare, seamless stone. The next room over is filled with treasure, bacon, immortal horses with lojack installed, everything the want. All it takes is for them to go into the damn room.
That party of adventurers, 9 times out of 10, will spend the next three play sessions trying to go in any direction other than through that fucking door. "Do I have a shovel? YES MY CHARACTER HAS A SHOVEL" "I cast earth shape and move the rock" "Can we set the wall on fire?" "I am using the ammonia from my urine to concoct an acid" etc. They will dig in every single direction by every available means and come up with some of the most ridiculous, absurd shit possible because it makes more sense than just going through that door.
That door is too easy. Too obvious. The more insane shit they try, the more difficult it is to exit that room by any other means, the more dangerous that simple exit looks, until it becomes more than overwhelmingly suspicious but some kind of challenge of pride and tenacity and fortitude and BEING RIGHT GOD DAMNIT. "My character is an engineer and judging by the number of calories we've all burned and the volume of air consumed there must be an egress to the surface nearby; calculating work done by energy consumed I'd estimate it's at WXY distance because Z is for Zizzer Zazzer Zoo" and in that circumstance, digging and trying to turn your own feces into an arcane pencil vis-a-vis Harold and his Purple Crayon. By the end of the week game time and the third play session it generally looks like a psychology experiment gone awry, with at least half the party dead and the walls chalked over with Monty Python references. Then someone says "Fuck it, I go through the door" and a dick DM will say "okay, the room is filled with the shit I told you about and there's a door to the left you couldn't see that goes to a nice sunny beach with rabbits that are too fat and cuddly to run away" but generally the point is, people will very often take the most difficult and irrational path available because they are suspicious of the obvious route. Actually the point was that you can always make things worse, but that other one is a good point too. Also, they had no idea what would happen and the looming disappointment of not getting the rewards from the obvious choice is also a big deterrent to making that choice. The anti-climactic ending makes the rewards seem less valuable from that position of not-entirely-rational thinking as well - nothing to defeat? IT MUST BE A TRAP!
Sorry for rambling.
You have a very valid point as well.
Was it the realness of him leaving that flipped the switch?
Sometimes this is the case. It was for my WH. He changed after that. Was not in the same 'fog' he was stuck in before. I have definitely seen a difference since. My WH works more towards pleasing me now.
TTCD - I am so glad that you feel the bottom has been finally reached! I have watched from the beginning and your WH was really fighting getting it. Onward and upward.
But I get what you mean that things can always be worse. Not want I want to think about though. And if we live in fear of that are we living at all? I guess knowing it can happen but not letting it control us and being healthy and strong enough to deal if it does happen is the key.
Also, the fear thing is spot on
All right, sorry for going off track. And waging an epic battle against conformity.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 3:13 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]