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Out of limbo land...looking for postitive

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confused52204 posted 8/23/2013 10:29 AM

It took months to get here but in making the decision to move forward. My quick BF was on craigslist for 2 years. Posting ads for men and women. I found all this out 1 week after we moved into our new home! Crazy right!!! That was oct 2012. He kept pushing thru trying to "win" me back. But as we all know there was TT until about march 2013. Brings us to now. The entire time until now I would say we were just living together not really talking or acting as a couple.

I know want to really try! Am I crazy for giving him a second chance maybe but I think it worth the risk!

I would like to know how to learn to forgive, trust, and move on and make a new life together? How do I do that when it seems like the odds r stacked against us? I have a 6 yo d from previous marriage...she adores him to pieces and asks us when we r going to get married and have we planned? Then I get scared thinking of future! He swears on everything that this would never happen again, and I believe him. This year has been so traumatizing for both of us...yes I know he created it!!

All of his actions happened while we were dating! Nothing happeden while we were moving forward. I want to continue to move forward w our plans.

Has anyone just jumped in w both feet???

Missymomma posted 8/23/2013 10:36 AM

Hey confused, nice to see you. Has your WBF gotten any therapy? Trolling for men on CL at the rate he did is in need of some help. Are you in IC? You just really need to consider whether you are dealing with SA or that he is bisexual. I know he passed a poly but I have heard of many SAs that passed polys, particularly before they had done a lot of therapy to break down their thinking. They are able to compartmentalize and rationalize very well. Hope you are doing ok!

confused615 posted 8/23/2013 10:38 AM

What work has he done on himself to make sure he is a safe partner for you?

confused52204 posted 8/23/2013 10:49 AM

We have been doing alot of talking about everything. We have tried MC and I was in IC neither helped. I will never understand y he did it even if he's a bi. But I know who he is and I think it's worth a chance. What else could we b doing?

confused615 posted 8/23/2013 10:52 AM

Why didn't MC help? Why won't he go to IC?

He says he isn't bisexual. Do you believe that?

Jrazz posted 8/23/2013 10:57 AM

Hey confused52204.

I want to echo the others and say that there needs to be a lot more "what should HE be doing?" before the "we" part kicks in.

Until he gets to the root of this, how could you feel safe with him?

On a positive note, the fact that you have trust and energy to spend is a good thing after what you've been through. Just remember to spend it wisely.

confused52204 posted 8/23/2013 13:41 PM

I just have a gut feeling about us. I'm going to run w it to c where it takes us. The fact is no none of this stuff happened while living together. He waited until he over came his issues to move forward w our plans....

doesitgetbetter posted 8/23/2013 13:53 PM

Confused, honey, him just saying he won't do it means absolutely nothing. He NEEDS to get IC for himself to figure out why he did those things so he can fix those issues and build a plan for how to DEAL with them in the future. My H also responded to ad's on Craigslist for several years, replying to women at first, and migrating to answering men also toward the end. He did it because of his self hatred and low self esteem as well as a way to self sabotage. Trust me, you don't want to be married and find out your pregnant and then have him have a healthy dose of self sabotage and contact another person for sex... that would be VERY worse case scenario, but totally likely if he doesn't get help.

I wouldn't have spent 60 minutes with my H trying to work on our R if he didn't spend hundreds upon hundreds of hours working on himself and working on our M from the beginning. You can't make an alcoholic turn sober, they have to WANT to do it for themselves. Much in the same way you can't make a cheater stay faithful, they have to want to do it for themselves, and that requires healing of the real issue. He might have a big resolve today to stay faithful, but what happens when he starts getting to that low point in his life next time? If he doesn't fix it, it will come back to bite YOU in the butt.

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