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Newest Member: hstones (61101)

User Topic: EA vs. PA?
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure this topic has already been covered - I feel like I've seen a thread like this before, but it's probably way down the pages of General and well, I'm lazy.

I'm curious about the differences that result from the kind of affair. I, for instance, am dealing with a very short-term EA, and I feel like I am probably recovering a lot better/ faster than someone dealing with, say, a long-term PA (or even a short-term PA). I have no doubt that my husband would have jumped at the chance to sleep with his OW, but the 1000 or so miles between them and the short length of the A prevented it from becoming a reality.

I know that other factors are at play for recovery (remorse, transparency, etc), but I'm wondering if it's somehow easier to move forward when dealing with an EA vs. a PA (or vice versa even??).

Anybody have any insight?

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDk, betrayal is betrayal.

I first caught WH sexting with OW 2 years ago, and like an idiot, because it hadn't actually gone physical, and he gaslighted me into it being "just in fun" I was able to move past that...until this past spring of course, when it resumed and did go physical.

On one hand knowing he was physical with someone else absolutely KILLS me and makes me but after reading their XXX emails I knew there were no feelings. I wonder if there were if I'd be obsessing about where his mind was all the time, kwim? You can turn off a PA, but can you turn off an EA?

Anyway, like I said, betrayal is betrayal.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that is impossible for anyone to know. It depends on so many different factors and then the people involved, too. What may be easy for me, may be difficult for someone else.

For myself, I do think I would have an easier time recovering from a short EA. I feel I would have an easier time recovering from an ONS. I am not saying it would hurt less, I just feel I would have less crap to deal with than I do with an LTA that covered 4-7 years.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13288 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♂ 40286
Member # 40286
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had a LT EA and a two week PA before I found out. At first the PA hurt the worst, mind movies devastated me. But the EA side of it ended up causing me so more pain. Once I finally realized her feeling for the OM meant more to her at the time than me or her kids did, it just hurt me deeply.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xWS had a year long EA that turned into a PA. For me, the fact that he chose OW to share his emotions with hurts so much more than if they only had a PA.

Knowing that this OW is more important to him than me and his family is so difficult to come to terms with.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's different for everyone. My husband's cheating was all online (that I can prove anyway) and I'm having a hard time with that. Some people say that an EA is worse than even a ONS because there was feelings and a connection involved where as a ONS was a no strings, no connection thing.

I don't know. Like I said, it's all different for everyone and how it's handled after it all comes to light is the main thing, IMHO.

Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand it's different for everyone. Maybe I should have rephrased my question... I guess I was looking for personal experiences. Kind of like a poll. Then I would take the answers and do a comparison myself.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH had them all.

EA with no PA.
Short term PA no EA.
Long term 27 month PA no EA.
Short term PA with EA.
One time PA no sex.

God that looks terrible typed out.

For *me* the order of pain:

Long term PA
Short term PA/EA
Short term PA
One time PA

By far though the LTA that was a PA is the hardest for me.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no EA A but he had a PA ONS he didnt know anything but her first name and was obviously a college student cause she wore a sorority shirt and how much she wanted him ......idk because im on the PA side i feel id rather have dealt with an only EA but then idk that either safe in the fact that there were no ties between them and he never wants to see her again not that he could she is a state away but he wants nothing to do with any of that and he is recommitted and disgusted because she really was nothing to him . it hurts though cause it didnt take much someone who meant nothing still pulled him away from his family and the bitch smiled when she knew he was married with kids



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first H cheated with more than he could hope to count, prostitutes and ONSs, over our 13 year M. Of these, at least two were both EA/PAs, and were not prostitutes.

He married the final one and is still married to her.

My current H had an EA (don't really know what to call it since there was some hugging and kissing but no clothes-off or sex, during our M). I do know that most of this was based on lengthy calls on the cell phone.

I also know they told each other ILY and they verbalized plans to leave their spouses to run off together.

It has been a long time since what my first H did, and it has been 7 years since what my current H did.

I think often times, the most recent trauma seems "worse" than any other trauma one has been through. It seemed at the time, the pain of what my current H did was even worse than what my first H did. But how could it be?

I don't even think the same person can compare the pain of two such vastly different circumstances, let alone trying to compare one person's pain to someone else's. Every set of circumstances is different and each of us has to find our own way throught it even though we can give each other support along the way.

It is all traumatic and there is no point at all in trying to measure it, or make predictions which is easier to get through, get over, whatever.

Posts: 6792 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have also experienced all the different types of A's between two WH's. The worst has been the LTA from my WH#2. I guess this is because I trusted him so much and never thought he would do something like this. XWH#1 was notorious for EA's and drunken ONS's over our 20+yrs together and I never trusted him and detached early into our marriage. I finally filed for D after he refused to give up his EA?PA with an 18yr old girl. WH#2 came from a previous marriage as a BS, but he had already filed for D when he found out, so I am not sure he was as hurt as other's still in a marriage when they found out. We had talked about it on several occasions and had agreed that if we were that unhappy we would file for D, rather than cheat on each other. Of course that didn't happen and we are attempting R which has been very hard for me after his LTA. I keep thinking how could he do this to me knowing his past and mine, but it is what it is. It is different for all people involved in this and how the betrayal affects them. I know some that an EA is a deal breaker and other's that attempt to R after multiple PA's. I really don't think you can compare the two because it is different for everyone and deals with so many different situations and where the person is at in life.

BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 8873 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are so many layers to an A. My H had a 6 month EA that lead up to a 3 month PA. I found out about the EA 6 weeks before the PA. At the DDay for the EA, I had his assurances that it would stop. The OW got him to take it underground and he ended up in her bed in 6 weeks, with phone sex before that while he was on a trip.

What is most painful? That depends on what day it is. I still cannot kiss him because his mouth was on her p***y. I used to love sex in all fashion but now that is tainted.

As far as the EA, the sheer time he spent with her is painful. I sat here night after night thinking he was in important meetings that were advancing his job and our security. Yep, he was advancing all right. There was 4000 texts in February alone as well as hundreds of minutes a day on cell phone. I cannot believe he did not get fired. She was planning a wedding for Pete's sake. What were they going to do with me?

I think EA heightens the fantasy and "love" aspect and the longer the EA prior to PA, the harder for the WS to leave the AP. I was lucky (I cannot believe I just said that) that my H dropped the Hag as soon as I found out. It was like a lightning bolt hit him having to face me and he was jerked back into reality. Yes, he tried to cover his shame, but at least he had shame about the situation.

I wish to God I did not have the sexual acts into our lives. I had already been dealing with the EA DDay fairly successfully when the PA DDay hit. My continuing crazy? I could have probably stopped his PA if I had just snooped into our phone records after the EA DDay. I trusted him without hesitation to put an end to their friendship.

Those special friendships, whether long distance or around the block are hideous and hurtful. I hate that they considered themselves soul mates and magical. It was amazing how after DDay the magic veil lifted and my H could tell me all of the things that grossed him out about her. And trust me, she is repulsive. He would have never jumped into a PA with her without the EA to get him there as the magic glow was spun around her. Yep, he got to know her mind first.

He has since realized she lied and became a chameleon during the EA so she would fit into what he needed at the time.

Sorry for the ramble. It's just one of those days.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 12:13 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

Posts: 3418 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I consider my ex's affair to be a 6 month EA/ least that's the best I can piece together from what little truth I got.

He did admit to telling her he loved her, but quickly followed it up with he said anything she wanted to hear to keep it going. I know she claimed to be in love with him - I saw that much in the texts I found.

I think that was a lie - I think he did think he loved her, because I don't think he was capable of distinguishing real love from the good feeling he got from having her worship him.

Anyway, the EA, or whatever is was beyond the physical was much more hurtful to me. I can boil sex down to a mere physical pleasure/desire. It hurts, but I can separate it out as a biological activity. But everything else? That's personal and it sucks.

Me: BGF - 36
"They say time is the only healer...
God, I hope that isn't right 'cause right now I'd die to not remember..." - Carly Pearce

Posts: 3320 | Registered: Feb 2010
♀ 38765
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on the person who has been betrayed. I for instance would bounce back from a singular ONS better than a long term anything. Even if they say PA, if it was long term Im sure there was more than enough emotions tangled or crap talked about the spouse...more lies told ect. Also, how the WS reacts once confronted is a very big factor in how some BS's heal.

Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how the WS reacts once confronted is a very big factor in how some BS's heal.

Yes, I imagine this is quite possibly one of the biggest factors.

I guess I'm just figuring the type and length of an affair means either more or less triggers for the BS. I see people saying all the time how they want to sell their cars because their WS spent time in it with the OW/OM. Or their beds. Or their houses! Somebody mentioned it's hard for them to kiss their WS, because she knows where his mouth has been. I feel like maybe I have less obstacles to overcome because I am not triggered by things like that. I'm not necessarily saying it's better, or easier - still hurts like hell. I'm simply trying to relate to different levels of hurt and recovery.

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 12:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They both hurt for different reasons. My WH had an EA, then a PA (ONS). She said ILY, he claimed he never did, but I know he got the butterflies in the stomach and was talking to her for hours for a few weeks. The ultimate betrayal is him being intimate with her. He talked to her intimately, that hurts like hell. But then the PA shit also hurts like hell. He kissed and touched and was touched and fucked someone else. He slept next to her in between. She cuddled with him in the bed after sex. She claimed my husband as her own. It all just hurts like hell.

Obviously just an EA is bad enough, but given time and opportunity it usually leads to PA.

Just a ONS and PA, mindless sex would be easier for me. But sometimes those types are serial cheaters and have numerous encounters, so that makes it horrible too.

BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
♀ 35799
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is all gut wrenchingly awful.

When I found out my WH was having an EA, I was devastated. When I found out it was more than 2.5 years PA and there was another PA as well I thought I would die. Nothing prepared me for the agony I felt when when I listened to the VAR I planted in his car. I heard my husband on the phone to another woman. I heard him greet her and his tone change when he said to her "I love you"

Nothing in my life prepared me for that - even now I can hear his voice change in my head.

I don't think I have ever hated another human in my life as much as I hated her right then. It was like pure poison ran through me.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 12:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

On D-day:
BS 47 (me)
WH 51 - Toasted22
M 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24) at discovery.
D-Days 2012 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA once 2010

Posts: 915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: NZ
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all my years on this board, I've found that a very large amount of BS's think that they and their WS's are superstars in the R arena. Whether it's an EA, PA, LTA, STA, ONS, etc, is really irrelevant. There are always many people who think very early on that they will R before even the first anti rolls around because they are just so awesome and the WS is SO remorseful, etc. etc.

I have also seen the vast majority of these same individuals crumble to pieces when they had to admit that they were just as human, and just as hurt, and going to take just as long as everyone else to heal, truly heal. It's a crushing blow to think to yourself that you are "healed", and then a month or two later you find out that you are still in the first stage of grieving... forget being close to healed.

So, IMO, the first 3-6 months are the easiest to deal with in R because it seems to be during this time that most of the aforementioned BS's feel like R is going amazingly. Between 6-9 months is when the realization that they are human usually happens and then that coaster goes down, down, down. They then realize that EA, PA, STA, LTA, ONS ALL suck equally, and ALL are hard to work through, and their pain is just as much as everyone else's.

P.S. Yes, I was one of those R superstars as well. My coaster came down HARD at the 6th month after DDay. Live and learn.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 25341
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EA, no PA. It sucks. Sometimes I wish it was 'just sex'. (No offense intended to anyone else's betrayal that they are dealing with.)

Maybe you are healing faster than you would be if it had been what you perceive would be 'worse' for you. Or maybe it will come and hit you at some random time in the future out of the blue.

How quickly/well you heal, especially in the early days, has A LOT to do with how remorseful WS is. If they don't 'get it', it is agonizing.


Me (BS), Him (WH): mid-50's
3 DS: 23, 23, 19
M: 28 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 33
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen

Posts: 6290 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly can't choose which is worse.

They both suck and hurt a lot.

At least with an affair that was purely physical, you can say, "At least he didn't love her."

At least with an affair that was purely emotional, you can say, "At least he didn't sleep with her."

The worst is both PA and EA. With your best friend. And OC added.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
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