I'm curious about the differences that result from the kind of affair. I, for instance, am dealing with a very short-term EA, and I feel like I am probably recovering a lot better/ faster than someone dealing with, say, a long-term PA (or even a short-term PA). I have no doubt that my husband would have jumped at the chance to sleep with his OW, but the 1000 or so miles between them and the short length of the A prevented it from becoming a reality.
I know that other factors are at play for recovery (remorse, transparency, etc), but I'm wondering if it's somehow easier to move forward when dealing with an EA vs. a PA (or vice versa even??).
Anybody have any insight?
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
I first caught WH sexting with OW 2 years ago, and like an idiot, because it hadn't actually gone physical, and he gaslighted me into it being "just in fun" I was able to move past that...until this past spring of course, when it resumed and did go physical.
On one hand knowing he was physical with someone else absolutely KILLS me and makes me but after reading their XXX emails I knew there were no feelings. I wonder if there were if I'd be obsessing about where his mind was all the time, kwim? You can turn off a PA, but can you turn off an EA?
Anyway, like I said, betrayal is betrayal.
For myself, I do think I would have an easier time recovering from a short EA. I feel I would have an easier time recovering from an ONS. I am not saying it would hurt less, I just feel I would have less crap to deal with than I do with an LTA that covered 4-7 years.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Knowing that this OW is more important to him than me and his family is so difficult to come to terms with.
I don't know. Like I said, it's all different for everyone and how it's handled after it all comes to light is the main thing, IMHO.
EA with no PA.
Short term PA no EA.
Long term 27 month PA no EA.
Short term PA with EA.
One time PA no sex.
God that looks terrible typed out.
For *me* the order of pain:
Long term PA
Short term PA/EA
Short term PA
One time PA
By far though the LTA that was a PA is the hardest for me.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I'M ON THE FENCE
He married the final one and is still married to her.
My current H had an EA (don't really know what to call it since there was some hugging and kissing but no clothes-off or sex, during our M). I do know that most of this was based on lengthy calls on the cell phone.
I also know they told each other ILY and they verbalized plans to leave their spouses to run off together.
It has been a long time since what my first H did, and it has been 7 years since what my current H did.
I think often times, the most recent trauma seems "worse" than any other trauma one has been through. It seemed at the time, the pain of what my current H did was even worse than what my first H did. But how could it be?
I don't even think the same person can compare the pain of two such vastly different circumstances, let alone trying to compare one person's pain to someone else's. Every set of circumstances is different and each of us has to find our own way throught it even though we can give each other support along the way.
It is all traumatic and there is no point at all in trying to measure it, or make predictions which is easier to get through, get over, whatever.
What is most painful? That depends on what day it is. I still cannot kiss him because his mouth was on her p***y. I used to love sex in all fashion but now that is tainted.
As far as the EA, the sheer time he spent with her is painful. I sat here night after night thinking he was in important meetings that were advancing his job and our security. Yep, he was advancing all right. There was 4000 texts in February alone as well as hundreds of minutes a day on cell phone. I cannot believe he did not get fired. She was planning a wedding for Pete's sake. What were they going to do with me?
I think EA heightens the fantasy and "love" aspect and the longer the EA prior to PA, the harder for the WS to leave the AP. I was lucky (I cannot believe I just said that) that my H dropped the Hag as soon as I found out. It was like a lightning bolt hit him having to face me and he was jerked back into reality. Yes, he tried to cover his shame, but at least he had shame about the situation.
I wish to God I did not have the sexual acts into our lives. I had already been dealing with the EA DDay fairly successfully when the PA DDay hit. My continuing crazy? I could have probably stopped his PA if I had just snooped into our phone records after the EA DDay. I trusted him without hesitation to put an end to their friendship.
Those special friendships, whether long distance or around the block are hideous and hurtful. I hate that they considered themselves soul mates and magical. It was amazing how after DDay the magic veil lifted and my H could tell me all of the things that grossed him out about her. And trust me, she is repulsive. He would have never jumped into a PA with her without the EA to get him there as the magic glow was spun around her. Yep, he got to know her mind first.
He has since realized she lied and became a chameleon during the EA so she would fit into what he needed at the time.
Sorry for the ramble. It's just one of those days.
[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 12:13 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
He did admit to telling her he loved her, but quickly followed it up with he said anything she wanted to hear to keep it going. I know she claimed to be in love with him - I saw that much in the texts I found.
I think that was a lie - I think he did think he loved her, because I don't think he was capable of distinguishing real love from the good feeling he got from having her worship him.
Anyway, the EA, or whatever is was beyond the physical was much more hurtful to me. I can boil sex down to a mere physical pleasure/desire. It hurts, but I can separate it out as a biological activity. But everything else? That's personal and it sucks.
And suddenly I see...what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
how the WS reacts once confronted is a very big factor in how some BS's heal.
Yes, I imagine this is quite possibly one of the biggest factors.
I guess I'm just figuring the type and length of an affair means either more or less triggers for the BS. I see people saying all the time how they want to sell their cars because their WS spent time in it with the OW/OM. Or their beds. Or their houses! Somebody mentioned it's hard for them to kiss their WS, because she knows where his mouth has been. I feel like maybe I have less obstacles to overcome because I am not triggered by things like that. I'm not necessarily saying it's better, or easier - still hurts like hell. I'm simply trying to relate to different levels of hurt and recovery.
[This message edited by krazy8516 at 12:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
Obviously just an EA is bad enough, but given time and opportunity it usually leads to PA.
Just a ONS and PA, mindless sex would be easier for me. But sometimes those types are serial cheaters and have numerous encounters, so that makes it horrible too.
When I found out my WH was having an EA, I was devastated. When I found out it was more than 2.5 years PA and there was another PA as well I thought I would die. Nothing prepared me for the agony I felt when when I listened to the VAR I planted in his car. I heard my husband on the phone to another woman. I heard him greet her and his tone change when he said to her "I love you"
Nothing in my life prepared me for that - even now I can hear his voice change in my head.
I don't think I have ever hated another human in my life as much as I hated her right then. It was like pure poison ran through me.
[This message edited by avicarswife at 12:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
I have also seen the vast majority of these same individuals crumble to pieces when they had to admit that they were just as human, and just as hurt, and going to take just as long as everyone else to heal, truly heal. It's a crushing blow to think to yourself that you are "healed", and then a month or two later you find out that you are still in the first stage of grieving... forget being close to healed.
So, IMO, the first 3-6 months are the easiest to deal with in R because it seems to be during this time that most of the aforementioned BS's feel like R is going amazingly. Between 6-9 months is when the realization that they are human usually happens and then that coaster goes down, down, down. They then realize that EA, PA, STA, LTA, ONS ALL suck equally, and ALL are hard to work through, and their pain is just as much as everyone else's.
P.S. Yes, I was one of those R superstars as well. My coaster came down HARD at the 6th month after DDay. Live and learn.
Maybe you are healing faster than you would be if it had been what you perceive would be 'worse' for you. Or maybe it will come and hit you at some random time in the future out of the blue.
How quickly/well you heal, especially in the early days, has A LOT to do with how remorseful WS is. If they don't 'get it', it is agonizing.
They both suck and hurt a lot.
At least with an affair that was purely physical, you can say, "At least he didn't love her."
At least with an affair that was purely emotional, you can say, "At least he didn't sleep with her."
The worst is both PA and EA. With your best friend. And OC added.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."