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OldCow18 posted 8/23/2013 10:49 AM

I've told him so many times now that he simply can't delete ANYTHING EVER. He freaks because his phone is through work and only has so much storage so he has to delete. I asked him that when he needs to delete to tell me and we'll do it together. Well, I caught him deleting again.

He coaches our daughter's softball team and he gets tons of texts from parents. Last night I saw a text from a mom that said "Sorry, I think I sent you double texts, something's going on with my phone" but there were no texts before it. Then today when I looked again, THAT text was gone, he deleted it this morning.

I just don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't grasp the concept that even harmless deleting turns my entire world upside down and makes me believe 100% that he's hiding stuff and now in my mind it's totally possible that he's deleting stuff from OW also. He's not getting just how important this kind of thing is. We had a huge blow out and we started yelling separation again. I can't do this anymore.

confused615 posted 8/23/2013 10:57 AM

He gets it. He knows why he shouldn't delete it.

He just doesn't care.

Or he has something to hide.

But he DOES get it.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/23/2013 11:00 AM

My H delete's stuff too. He DOES get it but hates a "cluttered inbox" WTF??? Deleting is bullshit and they know it. Whether they're hiding something or not it needs to stop. Makes me consider putting "StealthGenie" on his phone - but if I have to go to that extent maybe R is not worth it?

nestlee posted 8/23/2013 11:02 AM

I'm sorry but I always believe..that if history is being deleted then their doing something their not suppose to be doing. Put your foot down. Tell him next time U want to see everything before he deletes it.

Lovedyoumore posted 8/23/2013 11:28 AM

Is this daily? Several times a day? How often does he need to clear? My crappy phone will keep 250 texts before telling me to delete. Can you set a routine every evening to delete with you or does he have to do it more often?

OldCow18 posted 8/23/2013 11:30 AM

It's just that I've told him not to delete anything at least 10 times. So best case scenario he just doesn't give a shit about my needs right now, worst case he's still hiding stuff. Good times.

ajsmom posted 8/23/2013 11:33 AM

What's his consequence for doing this?

AJ's MOM

OldCow18 posted 8/23/2013 11:37 AM

ajsmom, When I confronted him earlier I told him I was done and he went balistic. But my new name is "the girl who cried separation" so idk.

I think when he gets home tonight I should tell him that I'm going to back his phone up to itunes to recover deleted texts. If all the deleted texts are innocent, I will discuss this with him ONE last time, set up the rules and consequences.

Or, I'll find deleted texts to OW and pack his shit right then and there.

ajsmom posted 8/23/2013 11:41 AM

I suggest you discuss nothing with him, check the texts and if they are from the OW you Hefty Bag his ass on the spot.

Josephine01 posted 8/23/2013 11:52 AM

I agree with AJ'smom. Tell him nothing. Do it in secret. If they are innocent text at least your mind will be at ease. If not. . . you will need to decide where to go from there.

2004kk posted 8/23/2013 12:02 PM

I think that going through his phone makes sense, but at what point will you ever feel safe again. I think for yourself you have to decide whats best for you. If you get those gut wrenching feelings talk to him and ask him to show you his phone. Force open communication with him.
I know this sounds easier said then done. I am trying real hard to not look anymore. It is helping me get over it and move on for my sake. I know that I don't want to be with someone that cheats or I have no trust for but we all have limits. I am trying so hard to not look anymore because eventually he will either slip or I will have had enough of my own mind games. Stay your ground with which ever you decide to do.

ajsmom posted 8/23/2013 12:20 PM

Force open communication with him.

Mmmm...doesn't work.

You cannot force anyone to be open with you, least of all someone who is probably hiding something.

He's doing this because he can. There have been no consequences set forth for his behavior.

As always, trust but verify. In your case, OC, you already know you can't believe him.

Josephine01 posted 8/23/2013 12:29 PM

For me, I don't think I will ever feel safe again. I am about a year and a half from dday and almost four years since all this happened. It is way to early to feel safe so if OC has a "gut feeling" she should act on it. If she has enough of these and acts on it and finds her H to simply be deleting his emails, then she might start to feel safe.

He is still lying to her, even if it is a small lies she needs proof so that things can be fixed. One can't force anyone who isn't willing to tell the truth.

anewday78 posted 8/23/2013 15:09 PM

If he has a smartphone through Verizon, you can install an app called "Verizon Messages" on his phone as well as your tablet or phone. You will get a copy of every message he receives. Even if he deletes the message on his device, you'll still have a copy of it on yours. Fair is fair. This is the price he must pay for his treachery.

anewday78 posted 8/23/2013 15:10 PM

P.S. If you can get a hold of his phone (provided it's a Verizon smartphone) you can install the app without him knowing. Just make sure you go into the app settings and disable notifications on his phone. You will get copies of all messages without his knowledge.

OldCow18 posted 8/23/2013 15:15 PM

Is there something like that for the iPhone?

stillstruggle posted 8/24/2013 03:54 AM

My H always does the icognito browser online so it deletes the history automatically. I've learned that u can press the back button to see what they are up to if they are dumb enuf to leave up windows.