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Newest Member: bigpockets (45700)

User Topic: Revenge
Painfuljourney
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not saying I ever would. But have you ever thought of having your own affair to get revenge? I have thought of it a few times. I know it'd be easy to do and super self destructive. I could cruise the casual hookups on CL or go to a bar and have a ONS or even an EA.

I'm in full R now with my WH and things are going as well as they can be. I know this isn't me. But sometimes my mind goes there. Like it would appease me somehow. I have so much anger toward OW. I just want WH to understand what it feels like to have that betrayal and hatred.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's common to think about it. Don't do it. It won't make you feel any better,and it won't have the affect on him that you want. He won't be blindsided...and most likely,he will turn things around and rugsweep your A..and expect you to rugsweep him. A "we're even,no more talking about it" kind of attitude.


A revenge affair is the same as an affair..it's wrong.

Oh..and those CL casuals encounter hook-ups? Full of married men. Do you want to be the OW?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:56 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7897 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too. Yes, I think about it, but that's not who I am. And, I'm sure that's not you, either. It's easy to get that mindset.

You're 1,000% right, it would fe self destructive on so many levels.

It's not fair and I don't think they will ever understand because it hasn't happened to them...

No advice, I hear you, that's all. I think how fun it would be to be on the back of a bike riding down the highway. My H would NEVER ride a bike, doesn't like em and we now like the opposite things. I guess that's my way to get back...Not really, but I did discover the things "I" like, not tagging along with things he liked...

Maybe you need to do some soul searching to see what makes you happy. Channel that engergy, I KNOW you have a lot of anger. So, do I. Keep your head up.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Painfuljourney
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I know and I won't. I'm just saying my mind goes there and yes I did think about being the OW. I would never do that to someone else. EVER. I don't care how unhappy a man says he is. It's a fucking lie. No woman deserves that.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I actually thought of was to make up an affair. Not actually have one, but to tell my FWH that I had one, too. And that it was fantastic. That he was young and hot and had the biggest dick I had ever seen! Nanny nanny boo boo.

Didn't do it, though.

eta: Not that I care about the size of dicks, it just seems to really bother some men (fwh) if a guy has a bigger dick than them.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:38 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
nestlee
♀ 39871
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I haven't.. My mother use to always say..two wrongs never make a right. And I believe that.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS having an affair isn't true revenge.

1) The WS will still be a WS. The only thing accomplished by revenge affairs is that now, there are two WS's. One BS knows WHY the other did it- to get even. The other is still left with all of the questions and "why" and whatnot. The first cut is the deepest.
2) The WS will use the revenge affair as a way to "get away" with their affair. After all, anything the BS says about being hurt and blindsided, and they didn't love me, and everything else...now the WS can say too.
3) It doesn't solve the problem. Look, when someone breaks a vase, you pick it up and start trying to glue it back together. Or you sweep the shards of glass into the trash, carefully. You DON'T pick up one of the pieces of glass and decide to smash that into the floor as well to FURTHER break the vase.

I took revenge on my college fiance and his OW. I sent their homemade video to his parents, and her parents. Her family stopped paying for her college and she had to quit school!

I took revenge in smaller ways on DD's dad: I sewed all the flies shut on his boxers. Before I moved out, I poured all of his alcohol down the drain, even the ones hiding under the towels in the closet. Gone. I shoved a piece of shrimp inder his sofa, so that his house would stink to high heavens for a while until he found it. And I dunked his toothbrush in the toilet.

It was juvinile, and ridiculous...but it felt good, I won't lie.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sadwife222
♀ 40050
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about it but I'm not in the mood for another man right now. They all seem short on character. I've been married three times and cheated on by all three.
This last one seemed the most unlikely to cheat. Either I'm not a good judge of men or they all suck?


Me BW, Him WH (sosorry54)
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
♀ 40076
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly... yes. Actually, it was the first thing I thought of when I figured out my husband was having one. I literally thought, "Two can play at that game." Hell, I had an affair 3 years ago (and I was an OW 9 years before that!). I think it would have been all too easy for me to find somebody - an ex, a new "friend", a random stranger at a bar... But as soon as the thought crossed my mind I dismissed it immediately. I realized that I am no longer capable of that level of betrayal. Adn while it may have made me feel better for like, half a second, in the end I would have been just as disgusted with myself as I was with my WH. Besides, I want my daughter to look at me and see someone she wants to be someday. Even if she never knew what I did, I would know, and I would feel like a fraud.

Nope, I took the high road. Not only did I not have a revenge affair, but I gave my WH the (very generous) gift of a second chance.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes I have thought of it, just to make him feel what I feel. But I could never do it. That is not me. I am a damn golden retriever. Remember that personality test from 90's?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it. But I would not do it with someone who was married or in a committed relationship. And since most men lie like rugs, you never know for sure what the story is, so it would be hard to risk.

As far as getting revenge on OW, sure, I've considered it. But it's in my best interest and that of my kids to do everything I can to make sure she goes away ---for GOOD. I have to believe that some day, she'll get what she deserves. The universe definitely has a way of doing that.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've definitely thought about it, but it's just not who I am. I want WH to feel my pain, but he won't even if I cheated because he already destroyed the innocence of our marriage, I couldn't do that to him like he did to me. He already "checked out" for OW, he'd know it was revenge which is not the same as being happy and then completely blindsided.

And, I couldn't handle the guilt. I would feel horrible.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) The WS will still be a WS. The only thing accomplished by revenge affairs is that now, there are two WS's. One BS knows WHY the other did it- to get even. The other is still left with all of the questions and "why" and whatnot. The first cut is the deepest.
2) The WS will use the revenge affair as a way to "get away" with their affair. After all, anything the BS says about being hurt and blindsided, and they didn't love me, and everything else...now the WS can say too.

Basically is what has happened. I had a revenge affair thinking I would level the playing field, but it basically leveled me because not only was I feeling rejected by my WH but rejected of myself for doing something so hideous.

I realize now I have very poor coping skills which I am working on in IC.

I have never had an A, RA, EA or otherwise since. My WH has gone on to have another A.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
90Worthless90
♀ 39855
Member # 39855
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I can't have sex with just anyone. My partner is the only sexual partner I ever had. I just can't enjoy sex without any kind of emotional connection ( from both ends ). I got revenge in other ways, though I would rather not say how, at this time.


I'm a prude I guess.
Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. I often wonder if I will ever have sex again should he and I split. Because dating is very had as a mother, especially with younger men (I'm only 23)


sorry for going off topic...meh

[This message edited by 90Worthless90 at 2:12 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Me: 23

Him: 29

Together 6 years.

DS: 2yrs

Ow: 18 at the time. Our son's "God sister"

Doomsday: November 2nd 2012. A couple of days before our sons birthday


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheTooGoodWife
♀ 35973
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thought about it and with everything I have learnt about A's in the past 15 months I would get away with it...but that is not who I am. I have only had 2 sexual partners in my life and I could have had many more if I had wanted to but I chose not to, WH's A makes no difference to that. I do know that even though WH expects me to have an A that if I actually did have one he would be emotionally obliterated.

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 2:56 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
mrcpu
♂ 38157
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about an RA. I was also given a "free pass" by my WW early on after D-Day which I'm proud to say I shelved.

Part of it is that I want to truly fix our marriage and an RA would be the end of it.

To be honest, another part of my not cashing in on the free pass is that I simply find the idea of being with anyone else disgusting. Maybe I'm just turned off right now because of the affair but I can't look at a woman my age without wondering if she is a cheating whore. - And I want to apologize to all the woman out there because I KNOW in my heart that many of you are wonderful!


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
mrcpu
♂ 38157
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took revenge in smaller ways on DD's dad: I sewed all the flies shut on his boxers.

Hey, can you sew mine too? I hate having a fly in boxers!


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
herongirl
♀ 40398
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS also offered me a free pass & I told him that would just put me on his level & I would never sink that low...but I definitely had revenge fantasies. My favorite was to change his fb password so he couldn't log on, change his status to divorced, post a full nude of him with the caption "Free at last!!! I just want to fuck, anyone, anything!! Who's up for it?" then tag all his friends & as many girls as i could find. I actually told him this fantasy & boy did the blood drain out of his face!!


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
Bubbleup
♂ 36120
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with the majority on this one and would not engage in a revenge affair.

First it would be a sacrifice of my moral standing and self worth (things I value both within and outside the marriage).

Second, it's quite possible that the (figurative) steely dagger that I'd be plunging into my FWW's heart would be perceived by her as made of rubber. (and what of my figurative AP, they'd no doubt stand something to lose as well)

One would lose on all levels as I see it.


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
RippedSoul
♀ 40055
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

90W90, I'm with you. I just couldn't. I do, though, have revenge fantasies. Now that it's been 6 months, they're almost silly. My BFF and I make up some very convoluted ones to amuse ourselves.

I know--even if OW's BH someday cheats on her--she'll never feel the way I did when she cheated with my husband. Her husband is obviously not her sun/moon (my H was her second A), so she won't be as devastated. Back when I was angrier, I hoped that her baby girl would have her heart broken by a cheating husband--just so OW would know what true pain feels like. But, even though that would be true karma, I can't wish it on an innocent.

The closest I'll come to an RA, I suppose, is that now that my husband is out of his fog, he KNOWS how attractive other men find me. He knows my true character, though, and knows an RA will NEVER be a worry for him. If I were to even suggest I might do it, he'd just shake his head at me. And laugh.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:50 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 76
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