Hope everyone has been doing well in their journeys over the past few months. I haven''t posted in a while but have been doing some reading on here every now and then.
I felt like I needed an SI break.. Maybe it would help clear my head, work on my independence and give me some perspective on my new life. New life to me had many meanings.. Having multiple As was never something I imagined myself doing to my H not to mention in the horrible manner I chose to cheat. Now I have a hard time picturing myself even doing it.. Like it was an out of body experience.
Having our baby daughter at the end of June has been absolutely amazing. She is such a little doll with the best little baby smiles in the world. To say its been a roller coaster with my BH would be an understatement. We have had beautiful moments of true R and horrible moments where it doesn't look like we will make it. Sometimes I wonder if we will. He has been very angry with me a lot and triggering often. His triggers are not very nice either, not like I deserve any sweet talk when he throws the As in my face. I eat a lot of shit sandwiches these days and I hope they will stop soon. Part of his anger towards me is about the As but it's also a lot to do with him working 60 hours a week and feeling stressed from all the changes in our life with the baby. He thinks I don't pay enough attention to him because well caring for a newborn can be taxing.. But I really do try to be there for him but he works so much and I'm doting on the baby, it's hard to meet in the middle.
We haven't gone to MC for quite a few months and he doesn't want to go back. It reminds him of my As. I think we need it but he disagrees
One thing that he said a day before our anniversary was that he doesn't think I've changed enough. I think a lot of my changes can't be physically seen because its all about your thought processes. How do you show that you've learned all about boundaries, trying to dig into FOO problems, build self esteem and making yourself happy without outside validation. I've also made our marriage a top priority. I try to get us to talk through problems and connect intimately but that was hard in the first 6 weeks after baby. Although I feel like I'm trying hard to him it looks like I could do better. Like my efforts for trying to balance baby and husband are not there. I know a lot of these problems are normal after a baby so throwing in As doesn't help one bit.
Right now it seems like all I can do is take 1 day at a time. Keep fighting for my BH and help him heal in the ways that I can and let him do his own work. Which I can viably see that he doesn't want to do work on himself and has been mentioning he might RA on me one day. Like to keep me on guard for a just in case. Obviously I cringe and feel hurt when he talks like that but I can't stop him. I told him I'm allowed to have deal breakers too, he has to own his own choices and to think about the life he still wants to have with our new family. Our marriage would not withstand another A hit. Definitely not from me and not from him either. I'm not gonna sit here and eat shit sandwiches my whole life only for him to become a hypocrite. I hope he is only trying to scare me because it just breaks my heart when he thinks about cheating on me for payback.
Anyways.. We have made it through 1 year. We did have a nice 3 yr anniversary and we are still together. We survived a lot this year. I sure hope things start looking a little brighter though
[This message edited by messedupchick at 1:15 PM, August 23rd, 2013 (Friday)]