SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

iamsurviving posted 8/23/2013 13:04 PM

We are 6 years into R and still struggling at times but finally after months and months and months of begging, pleading, crying and walking out H has finally decided to go to CR (Celebrate Recovery) for his problems involving his 3 EA/PAs. Now my problem is H goes on Thursday nites and now he wants to go to the 12 step program on Wednesday nites and it just seems to me that it's all about H all the time. I am not a selfish person but now I'm beginning to wonder if I am now being selfish about all of this, especially since I have been asking him to do this for a very long time. I have had to deal with TT throughout these last 3 years so the whole truth never came out and I wonder if it ever will. We are not in counseling - honestly I still to this day can't even talk about it with anyone without crying. Almost 50 years of marriage to this man and now this - I have more good days than bad days but I'm just wondering if my selfishness is kicking in. H has been selfish a very long time and in his words wanted a girlfriend and a wife (had his cake and ate it too). Just looking for input from anyone out there. Please know that SI is in my prayers. God bless all here.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/23/2013 13:43 PM

I am personally a huge believer in 12 step fellowships. Both my fWS and I belong to one. It is a requirement of R for me. We try to go to 2-3 meetings each per week. We don't go together offen so it eats up a lot of our free time. But the benefits definitely out way the cost. We just have to really try hard to make sure we have us time as well.

After 10 months of TT I finally got the whole truth after she finished her 4th and 5th steps. Without that introspection they involve I probably wouldn't have gotten it. She was holding some of those secrets for 6 years and was planning on taking them to the grave.

[This message edited by Chicho at 1:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

krazy8516 posted 8/23/2013 13:49 PM

Wow. I'm going to start by saying I have no business giving you advice. I'm not even 6 weeks past d-day (nevermind 6 years into R!), but...

If you are still sturggling so much even 6 years out, and after "months and months and months" of begging, it is high time that your WH start doing more to repair the damage he has done. CR, IC/MC, 12-step... whatever. That being said, it shouldn't feel like it is "all about him." Yes, he needs help, but he needs it because you need him to get better. I'm not sure what the rules are for CR or 12-step, but maybe you could go with him? If not, you really might want to consider MC. It's okay to cry when you talk about it, and it might even help.

I really hope you find some relief somewhere, iamsurviving. You deserve more than just to "survive."

BeyondBreaking posted 8/23/2013 14:10 PM

Is there a reason why you can't go with him to CR (I am not familiar with this one) and/or the 12 step program?

Butterfly24 posted 8/23/2013 15:14 PM

My son is a drug addict. I have been to al anon, nar anon and also family counseling at drug rehab.

One thing they tell you there is that an addict in recovery, sometimes becomes addicted to recovery. It is good to go to meetings and work the steps. Although sometimes it leaves us, the family members feeling left out.

I don't know if you are dealing with an addict, but I would think it is sort of the same for you. Remember, this is something you have been wanting. If he is finally on board with it, why not give it a try?

Missymomma posted 8/23/2013 16:04 PM

I have only heard a little about Celebrate Recovery, but isn't there a group for you? My WH is in a couple of 12 step programs and I have one of my own. I love the support I get from other spouses dealing with the same thing

sisoon posted 8/23/2013 18:28 PM

honestly I still to this day can't even talk about it with anyone without crying.

What's wrong with crying? Grief is one of the normal responses to being betrayed, and crying goes with that for most of us - and with anger and fear for some of us, too.

I strongly recommend IC for you, with a goal of learning how to accept and feel your feelings. You're OK. Your feelings OK. You need to process your feelings and let them go, but lots of us just haven't learned how - so why not get some help?

My heart goes out to you, ias. You deserve to thrive, not just survive.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:30 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

iamsurviving posted 8/23/2013 20:05 PM

Thank you...thank you...thank you so much for ur input...much appreciated..i guess being married to the same man for almost 50 years and being almost 70 is just too much some times....CR is not fir me...tried it and didnt like it..i cant go with him to 12 step..it is gender specific...thats one of my fesrs

iamsurviving posted 8/23/2013 20:08 PM

Sorry..hit send button before i meant to...my biggest fear after 3 affairs is that he gets involved again...i am surviving...heading more to living and not just existing..you guys are great..thank you.

JustWow posted 8/23/2013 20:22 PM

If he is in recovery, it takes time, You should also put some time into your own recovery, NA, AA, SA - they all have groups for spouses/family affected by the addiction.

Go.

Talk to people who have been where you are, cry with them, heal with them.

H has been in 12 step groups for about 5 years. They are great, But, in our experience, they are terrific tools for getting and staying sober from the addiction, but not so effective at treating the root cause of the addiction. A certified addiction therapist in the area of your H's particular addiction will help more than you can imagine.

[This message edited by JustWow at 8:22 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

iamsurviving posted 8/24/2013 08:08 AM

Just Wow - it's not alcohol related - it's sexual addiction. I don't think there's a group for me to join about that. I was in a support group for hurts, habits and hangups but no one in the group was dealing with affairs and sexual addiction so I felt no connection whatever and I felt more frustrated that anything. The problem I am dealing with now is that H abandoned me so to speak with is women and now that H is finally retired and home H is going be out 2 nights a week again and here I sit - I know it's my recovery as well and I have to put my big girl panties on to do it. Guess I'm having a pity party for one today - thanks for your input - much appreciated.

JustWow posted 8/24/2013 11:13 AM

Actually there is, my H is a recovering SA as well. Check here -

www.sanon.org

And here-
www.sexhelp.com
for a certified sex addiction therapist in your area. We have a CSAT MC, H has a CSAT IC, I have gone off and on to CSAT IC who specializes in spousal iissues for SA's. Take care of you first.

Whether he works the programs successfully or not is completely beyond your control. You can lead him to water....

Take care of you -

Lionne posted 8/24/2013 14:49 PM

Oh, my friend, I'm very close to your age, dealing with the same thing. Please try sanon or cosa. PM me. You need an outlet. He will be tied up with his 12 step meetings for awhile, he needs to get some recovery time under his belt.
Do you have family, hobbies, something for you? Believe me, I know how much pain you are in, BTDT.
61 IS NOT almost 70!

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 2:51 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

iamsurviving posted 8/24/2013 16:06 PM

Just wow....thank you...i will certainly look into it...i need something...im depressed on top.of it and a crying fool plus i have become super sensitive...thsnk you...thank you.