I'm sure other, more experienced posters will follow up on this thread shortly.
A great place to start is the Healing Library. It is in the yellow box in the upper left side of the screen. There are articles, BS FAQ, and WS FAQ. Be sure to read about the Fog.
There are also a bunch of great threads in the Just Found Out. They might be a couple pages back but worth taking a look at. They are:
Boundaries and Consequences 101
A Great Post for Newbies
Before You Say Reconcile
Keep reading and posting and asking questions.
I was lied to for 10 months. The story slowly changed, that is called Trickle Truth (TT). There was also broken No Contact (NC). They both hurt a lot and still do some days. Unfortunately they are both pretty common with infidelity.
Which ever path you take you can survive this. Let us help you.
So....your H had an A and even though he said he would go NC 6 months ago, he did not.
And now this recent happening....
He went to her office and asked her why she is 'hiding out' in her office these days
and THEN he lied about even knowing where her office was. Unbelievable! I feel so badly for you.
I am thinking you need to read about the 180. I don't believe I need to be in your stich to let you know that he is deceitful and without remorse.
Also, after he broke NC the first time...
Our therapist helped us get through and made me understand that perhaps he did need time to get over her.
Yes. While some WS do grieve the AP, the therapist is almost giving him permission to disregard NC with a statement like that! I would get a new one QUICK!
I would suggest also posting on the JFO forum and getting some great advice from those in a similar situation.
You may love your H but he is not in R. NC is a MUST for R to work. So is remorse.
[This message edited by LA44 at 2:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
As long as he has contact with her, the A is not over. He still has feelings for her and he is allowing those feelings to justify contact with her to himself. And he is justifying lying to you because of those feelings as well.
First off, if anyone leaves, it's him. At a minimum, he wouldn't be sleeping in my bedroom right now because you can't trust him. Does the OW have a H or BF? If so, out their A to that person ASAP. Shining a light onto an A is one of the best ways known to kill it. You have more than bent over backwards to be overly accommodating by allowing your WH to stay at his job with the OW. And he's repaid that gift that you gave him, by screwing you over. IMO, he either needs to find a new job (and if its not as good financially, he can moonlight flipping hamburgers to make up the difference), or he needs to take himself off to HR and request that they assign him in such a way that he and the OW never see each other nor deal with each other. Yeah, that's going to be embarrassing, but that's what are known as consequences of his LYING to you.
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. It would be far easier if they realized what a gift their BS gives them, and acted appropriately grateful and humble.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
He seems to have decided to take the risk of losing you with his actions. IMO that is not reconciliation.
You need to decide if you will hold him accountable.
Again, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.
I understand the lack of job opportunities; we live in a town of 4000 people and there is NOTHING here. With our most recent D-Day, XWH walked out of his job because he knew the A would never stop otherwise. The first time, he continued working with the OW for a year and the contact continued the entire time.
Seriously, he needs to get another job if he wants R. Whether that means moving or a long commute or a total career change, he's got to get out of there. It's like trying to diet while you work in a bakery.... Not going to happen. So sorry for your pain.
[This message edited by brainless twit at 11:54 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
R Began (again) 5/03/14