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Trying to Reconcile but found out he lied

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Solas posted 8/23/2013 13:11 PM

New here, but need advice. I've been reading the forum and website and it's helped so much with my sanity.
Six months ago I found out my husband of 7 years was having an affair with a co-worker, and an a woman who I socialized with occasionally. We've been up and down but I decided to stay as he is providing me with complete transparency--I have email passwords, phone password, computer passwords. He can't really get a new job that pays as well, and there arent that many opportunities for him in our small town so I agreed that he could stay at his job if he promised no contact. He assured me that it was very rare they would have the need to interact professionally and they are on opposite sides of a building. About 2 months post-discovery I was getting those feelings again--so I installed spyware on his phone and discovered he's had contact with the OW. Just conversations as far as I can tell, but conversations about the relationship, how it was great at one time....etc. I confronted him and he begged me to give him another chance so I did. He even let me keep the spyware on his phone to prove his commitment. Our therapist helped us get through and made me understand that perhaps he did need time to get over her. I let it go and decided to move forward and focus on our marriage, not on trying to spy on him. I told him that if I ever found out that they had contact that he did not tell me about, that would be it and he agreed. Since he's been very good at telling me he passed her in the hall, lunchroom or parking lot...etc. but assured me no conversations or contact. Lately I've been having those feelings again and I just could not resist the urge to find out if he is telling me the truth. Yesterday, I discovered that he had a conversation of which he started with her. He went to her office and asked her why she is 'hiding out' in her office these days. She went on to talk about her husband (they separated during the affair) the woes they are having and was down on herself. She also told my husband that she missed him. I did not hear the conversation, but I overheard him telling another co-worker so I am not sure what his true response was. He told the co-worker it was too bad for her, and 'whatever' acting like he did not care.
I asked him if he's spoken to her or seen her around--he even said that he is not sure where her office is anymore as it's moved. He blatantly lied to me and then even made this up.
Has anyone gone through the lies like this. I don't want to be a doormat, I love him and we have two small kids. I work, but we are so tied to each other financially and have no savings and relatives near by so I just can't move out. BUT i don't want to live with a liar. What would you do? Should I put my foot down and leave? Should his behavior worry me. I am so lost and need some advice.
Thanks to all of you...Solas

mrcpu posted 8/23/2013 14:14 PM

I'm not an expert on this aspect but I believe you need to seriously consider doing a 180. I believe there are some articles on it in the Healing Library.

I'm sure other, more experienced posters will follow up on this thread shortly.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/23/2013 14:14 PM

Welcome to SI. I am sorry for what brought you here. But I am glad you are here. There is a ton of information here that can help you heal.

A great place to start is the Healing Library. It is in the yellow box in the upper left side of the screen. There are articles, BS FAQ, and WS FAQ. Be sure to read about the Fog.

There are also a bunch of great threads in the Just Found Out. They might be a couple pages back but worth taking a look at. They are:
Tactical Primer
Boundaries and Consequences 101
A Great Post for Newbies
Before You Say Reconcile

Keep reading and posting and asking questions.

I was lied to for 10 months. The story slowly changed, that is called Trickle Truth (TT). There was also broken No Contact (NC). They both hurt a lot and still do some days. Unfortunately they are both pretty common with infidelity.

Which ever path you take you can survive this. Let us help you.

LA44 posted 8/23/2013 14:18 PM

Hi Solas, I am sorry you find yourself in this sitch. Hugs to you.

So....your H had an A and even though he said he would go NC 6 months ago, he did not.

And now this recent happening....

He went to her office and asked her why she is 'hiding out' in her office these days

and THEN he lied about even knowing where her office was. Unbelievable! I feel so badly for you.

I am thinking you need to read about the 180. I don't believe I need to be in your stich to let you know that he is deceitful and without remorse.

Also, after he broke NC the first time...

Our therapist helped us get through and made me understand that perhaps he did need time to get over her.

Yes. While some WS do grieve the AP, the therapist is almost giving him permission to disregard NC with a statement like that! I would get a new one QUICK!

I would suggest also posting on the JFO forum and getting some great advice from those in a similar situation.

You may love your H but he is not in R. NC is a MUST for R to work. So is remorse.


[This message edited by LA44 at 2:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Sadwife222 posted 8/23/2013 15:28 PM

Also, if anyone leaves, it should not be you.

Skan posted 8/23/2013 19:02 PM

Hey there.

As long as he has contact with her, the A is not over. He still has feelings for her and he is allowing those feelings to justify contact with her to himself. And he is justifying lying to you because of those feelings as well.

First off, if anyone leaves, it's him. At a minimum, he wouldn't be sleeping in my bedroom right now because you can't trust him. Does the OW have a H or BF? If so, out their A to that person ASAP. Shining a light onto an A is one of the best ways known to kill it. You have more than bent over backwards to be overly accommodating by allowing your WH to stay at his job with the OW. And he's repaid that gift that you gave him, by screwing you over. IMO, he either needs to find a new job (and if its not as good financially, he can moonlight flipping hamburgers to make up the difference), or he needs to take himself off to HR and request that they assign him in such a way that he and the OW never see each other nor deal with each other. Yeah, that's going to be embarrassing, but that's what are known as consequences of his LYING to you.

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. It would be far easier if they realized what a gift their BS gives them, and acted appropriately grateful and humble.

catlover50 posted 8/23/2013 20:39 PM

I am so sorry, Solas. But didn't you clearly tell your WH the consequences if he broke contact and didn't tell you? Are you prepared to follow through?

He seems to have decided to take the risk of losing you with his actions. IMO that is not reconciliation.

You need to decide if you will hold him accountable.

Again, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.

Solas posted 8/24/2013 05:35 AM

Thank you all--you are all so amazing and I feel so happy to have found a place where people actually understand. I will post in the "just found out" forums...I have learned it is was very stupid of me to attempt "reconciliation" at 6 months out.
You are all very right, the truth is sometimes hard to hear, especially when I still love him and we have two small kids. I am just so hurt and devastated, and finding out he's had contact put me right back to day one.
Thanks again to all of you-your kind words, support and encouragement are just what I need. Virtual hugs to all.

brainless twit posted 8/24/2013 11:53 AM

In my situation, both of XWH's As were with coworkers. I will tell you this now - NC will never happen as long as they work together. It just won't.

I understand the lack of job opportunities; we live in a town of 4000 people and there is NOTHING here. With our most recent D-Day, XWH walked out of his job because he knew the A would never stop otherwise. The first time, he continued working with the OW for a year and the contact continued the entire time.

Seriously, he needs to get another job if he wants R. Whether that means moving or a long commute or a total career change, he's got to get out of there. It's like trying to diet while you work in a bakery.... Not going to happen. So sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by brainless twit at 11:54 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

dargirl posted 8/24/2013 12:13 PM

my husband has lied quite a bit too and most recently was diagnosed as sex addict, he cannot help himself which i am having a really hard time with . He swears up and down and this last week AO ( acted out) making plans with a girl he is going to SAA meetings, going to church.. he says he is determined to get better but then he does this.. I do not have a big savings, no family near by.. although we do not have small kids.. it is very disheartening.. should you check out cosa an organization who deals with people affected by sex addicts, your husband could very well be one.. wanting to keep lying and AO..
sorry to say.. I am struggling with this big time. all of this is new to me... to

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