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How to deal with Anger

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Taurus517 posted 8/23/2013 14:00 PM

Today is a good day. BS woke up pissed off from last night. Admit that I am in denial and me being the most contradicting person in the world, I say one thing do another or I want this and do another. I cant make up my mind for nothing I'm a confused individual. Looking forward to IC tomorrow its been awhile since Feb. I think it will help because after resigning from my job in Feb and lost my insurance, i stopped going. From then thought I can do this on my own, am I wrong about that.

I have been to me feel like I have been controlling my anger lately, but holding on to it is hard at times. Seeing my BS angry this morning realized how anger can control someone. I know it was out of anger but some stuff from my childhood got thrown back in my face, one thing I never told anyone. I got a bit aggitated but stayed calm and towards the end I did get frustrated because I said something contradicting and got questioned about it, got frustrated and didnt have answer that no more clear thoughts.

Anger has been my biggest issue and it has definitely lead me to this position. I saw my BS this type of way and she never was, now she is what I always thought of her to be, I took her for granted and created this. Now her anger is out and I dont know how to respond to it but stand there and shut up.

I feel like Im babbling and not making any sense right now, I want to know how do yall handle the anger and what are your steps??? What do you do when things are being said that are to belittle you and make you feel even more shitty than you are?? I want her to vent all that anger out because I put her in this position and its just sometimes I dont know what to do and help on it.

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/23/2013 14:31 PM

Just because you had an A, you didn't give up the right to your feelings. If you're angry: feel it, and calmly express your feelings in words.

Let's put aside for a second that she doesn't have the power to "make you" feel shitty. If something that lands hurtful is said, my C encourages me to say: "Ow." Which usually stops the conversation and we can talk about it.

You say she intends to belittle you. Are you sure? This sounds weird if you've never tried it, but try the "When you said X, I felt Y" construct, and ask what her intentions were.

When you said blah-blah, I felt hurt. What reaction were you looking for, when you said that?

ResoluteH posted 8/23/2013 14:33 PM

Wow. I logged on with the idea of starting a topic with the same question. My question is from a slightly different angle, but I eagerly await answers to yours.

P.S. To 20Wrongsvs1 -- Thank you! I started this post before I saw yours.

[This message edited by ResoluteH at 2:36 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/23/2013 15:47 PM

Guys, I cannot strongly enough recommend the book Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg. It basically coaches you to learn empathy, step-by-step, and has totally changed my life. It's all about speaking and listening compassionately. And, identifying and owning your feelings.

1DumbHusband posted 8/23/2013 21:09 PM

Taurus: I completely understand and thank you for posting this. I too have a hard time when my beautiful BS is angry over a trigger. It's not like she's making up stuff to hurt me, but mostly restating my actions and what she believes we're my motivations and intentions when I did my terrible things to hurt her. It's hard to hear and relive it, but I try to be as supportive as I can. You're right, I feel incredibly shitty when she does and I remember how little I valued my family when I did those horrible things. For me, I try to use those times as reminders and motivation to be a better husband, father, and person overall. I apologize for my acts and I try to re-emphasize how I am learning from the mistakes which got me in our current situation and stress how much I want to make a permanent change in me for the betterment of our family. Keep fighting for your BS is the best advice I can offer. My wonderful BS keeps asking me "why do I care all of the sudden" or "why didn't you fight for our relationship"...well I was guilty of not caring as much as I should and not fighting for us. So me helping her vent her anger and emotions and "taking it" is me fighting for us. It sucks to hear, but if it helps her heal, then it's worth it.

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