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I'm afraid I'm the one hindering R...

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BrokenAngelWings posted 8/23/2013 15:28 PM

I'm 3-1/2 years past D-Day and while things were rocky at the beginning, but then leveled out for a bit. Now I'm finding that the feelings of betrayal and hurt are coming back and I'm unable to bite my tongue a lot of the time. I can't feel compassionate towards him when he gets hurt, and I'm just full of contempt. For everyone and everything. I'm having a very hard time feeling positive any more and I really hate feeling like this. Last night I woke up from a nightmare in which he was cheating again and I have had a horrible day since. He keeps in touch, he texts me all the time, he tells me he loves me. He wants me to talk. But I don't want to keep bringing all of this stuff up after we've been over and over and over it. I absolutely detest the person that HIS A has turned me into. Moody, angry and living a day-to-day life. I'm almost ready to start talking about D but some part of me says no, don't go there.

I can't stop the snappish remarks before they're out of my mouth. He hurt himself at work a couple of weeks ago and just went to the doctor today to find out he's severely pulled all the muscles up both of his sides and the middle of his back, which has made him unable to sleep anywhere except a living room chair. This has caused me to trigger terribly about whether he is talking to people or looking up sites on the computer or whatever while I'm sleeping.

He tried to make a playful comment to me last night about sex, which we haven't had since he hurt himself. I was putting sheets on the bed and he said something about me having my backside up in the air. Before I could stop myself, I told him to not even bring it up because he's wasn't going to do anything about it anyway. I felt horrible afterwards and I could tell immediately I had hurt him but it still took me until today until I could apologize because of my sour outlook and inability to let go.

Not sure what I'm asking for here, just have had this on my mind for a while and last night just made me feel compelled to post. I lurk a lot now and don't update but if I can't get a grip on this soon it may wind up being the dealbreaker...for both of us.

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/23/2013 16:05 PM

After a rough week of semi-derailed R, BH just sent me this quote in an email. Then I read your post, and your pain is so palpable; I hope you can find the beauty and love you need.

The good you find in others is in you too.
The faults you find in others are your faults as well.
After all, to recognize something, you must know it.
The beauty you see around you is your beauty.
See the best in others and you will be your best.
Give to others and you give to yourself.
Appreciate beauty and you will be beautiful.
Admire creativity and you will be creative.
Love and you will be loved.
Seek to understand and you will be understood.
Listen and your voice will be heard.

scangel3 posted 8/23/2013 18:29 PM

Sorry you're having a hard time, but I know how you feel. I am almost 3 years post final dday (3.5 since initial dday) and i'm in the same boat lately. up until this past December/January we have really struggled, dealt with a lot of TT,, then something changed and we're on a good road. Then I had a nightmare that he was having oral sex with another women (but not ow). I woke up feeling horrible and just shut off to him, that was almost a month ago, I still feel shut off/repulsed/pissed ect at him, that one nightmare brought back all the anger I had gotten thru.

So I get where your at. I too have thought about D, but part of me says no don't do it. I hope you find your answers and move forward either way. Just know you are not alone in these feelings even 3+ years out

MissesJai posted 8/23/2013 18:34 PM

are you in IC?

tellmewhy posted 8/23/2013 19:26 PM

BrokenAngelWings - I'm with you in this rocky boat. Three years out and I don't know what to feel anymore.
Six months out from D-Day I was definitely willing to R, but I'm just not as sure as I was. I look closely at him, look him in the eye and try to "feel" what I am feeling, but I'm just dead inside.

I kept telling him that his actions over the years and then the A had caused my love for him to slowly die and that he needed to pull out all the stops to rekindle the little spark that remained. I really needed for him to talk to me about his feelings about us and our M - over and over again so that I could process what was going on in my head. He kept promising that we would talk every night, but that never happened. It was usually hit or miss that he even apologized.

Now it just doesn't seem to matter anymore whether he talks or not. That little spark is almost out now and he doesn't even know it.

unfound posted 8/23/2013 19:38 PM

I got to that point too, where I realized that while he was doing everything I needed him to, I really wasn't doing what he needed me to. Not so much (but tied to) in terms of healing from the A, but just being a healthy participant in the M. It was like I was punishing him for doing the right thing and testing his patient with me to the hilt.

My hard work was learning how to deal with the emotions I was feeling in a healthy way not only to my M, but with myself as well.

It was easy to get in the habit, and it was a habit for me, to go to that protective, sharp tongued place... To recognize it, remember where we are NOW, and THEN react was hard. It was a conscious effort until it became the norm.

That's not saying that I didn't and still don't feel that old knee jerk reaction coming on at times. But since I'm the only one that can control me, and I want to be in a healthy M, and he has and is doing his part, it's worth the self control, and finding a healthy way to get my feelings out and across.

I see it as part of MY hard work that I have to take responsibility for in this M. He has earned it.

[This message edited by unfound at 7:39 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

BrokenAngelWings posted 8/23/2013 20:02 PM

MissesJai, I am not in IC right now. Our insurance won't cover it and we just can't afford it with 4 kids or I'd be there in a heartbeat :(

20Wrongs, thank you for that. I've read it several times and it seems to be calming me some. I think I'll print it out.

tellmewhy, sometimes I do feel that way too. Just like some days he's all attentive and great, and some days he just doesn't put any effort in. And it's those days that make me ready to say the hell with it.

unfound, I think you have nailed me. I think I needed it worded to me this way. Maybe I've been spending too much time wallowing in "why me" instead of putting in my own work. I think I'll spend tonight writing in my notebook about things that I should be taking a second look at when it comes to me. I think sometimes I feel that he isn't doing EVERYTHING he could but then again, he does do more than some I've heard people talking about here at SI. He's not 100% transparent all the time, but then he was raised to guard his privacy by his parents so that's hard for him to give up, I think. I'm a wide-open book, though. Want to check my phone? Here. Facebook messages? Go ahead, you might find some venting to my friends sometimes where I was angry with you, but it's nothing that I didn't wind up communicating about with you at some point. I don't care. Search my car. It's clean lol. Only thing you'll find in the little wallet I carry is driver's license, insurance info, grocery store cards and stuff like that. Unfound, I guess you've given me a LOT to think about on this Friday night.

Thank you all for taking time to listen to my crazy rant. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like sitting down with him and tackling all this and whatever makes it into my notebook tonight.

ladies_first posted 8/23/2013 20:35 PM

Do you have a Voice Activated Recorder?

A BW hid one to "trap" her WH. When she listened for evidence of infidelity, all she overheard was HERSELF shrilly berating her husband like a shrew. Suddenly, she "got it"! She had her own flaws, and hearing how she sounded to her children, family and friends provided the impetus for change.


ccw82 posted 8/24/2013 10:13 AM

I'm afraid to admit that I am in this boat as well.

WH wants R very, very much, but it seems like he can't do enough to "fix" what he's already done. I am seriously considering calling off the R and asking him to move out today. I can't handle these unwanted feelings of hurt and sadness anymore, and believe the only way to move past them is to distance myself from the source.

Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Absolutely. Will I still be someone sad and miss him if he's gone? You betcha. But I don't know what to do anymore...

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