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180- day 1

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Eyeofthetiger posted 8/23/2013 15:50 PM

So although I just found out Saturday about my husbands EA. He has not been living at home for 2 months to the day. I would be willing to go to MC and work on our marriage even after every thing but he still insists he just doesn't feel the same about me but that there is no one else. Let's assume that is true, how do you just feel differently and never bring it up until you are leaving? My assumption was that he started to feel different, he cheated, he left out of guilt etc because who could do that unless you didn't love the other person. And not wont fight for me because it would require too much time, effort, work, etc.

I wake up every day with more anxiety and depression than the day before (hopefully the meds kick in soon). But today I decided I would start the 180. I have a workshop today so my WH was coming over to take care of the kids. When he got here this morning I didnt beg, at this i am not begging a cheater to come back. but I did tell him this morning that I won't be giving him a divorce that if he wants it he will have to take me to court (whether that's true or not I don't know but as of now it is) he can't file for irreconcilable differences because we didnt try. I said other things and he was tearing up. I was telling him that even through all my pain i know what we had and it wss worth fighting for. But then I walked away.

This afternoon when I got home I didn't say much. Answered his questions and then told him he should go. Next weekend my kids and I are moving in with my parents.

I need to put distance between me and my emotions for him which is why i wanted to start the 180. I guess deep down I am hoping that it also helps him to realize he wants to be with me too.

Any suggestions on a successful 180, it was so tempting to talk to him about my feelings or ask questions while he was here today. I just know that when my anxiety gets so bad that the only thing that relieves it, is talking or texting him.

Also, I know the 180 is meant for oneself but are there any stories of it working on the WS as well?

pregnantandsad posted 8/23/2013 16:43 PM

Hi there. Your situation sounds similar to mine. WH left, said he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't think MC would work. I begged for weeks for him to please try before giving up, but I got nowhere. I found out a couple weeks later about his EA (maybe PA also, but he still denies it) and he ended up moving out and into her place (he swears he stays on the couch) and I now am living with my daughter at my parents house.

I started the 180 2 weeks ago, he was bothered for a day or 2 but then seemed to stop caring that I no longer wanted to talk to him. I have been feeling better but have days where it all hits me and I feel like I am drowning in sadness and self pity. I don't know if the 180 will help snap him out of it or not- so far it doesn't seem like it. But I guess it really doesn't matter, because after all is said and done, if he came crawling back, would I really want him after all he's done? I think that is the purpose of the 180- to get yourself in a better place and make peace with the situation you've been dealt and realize that you will be ok and be happy again. It's not easy to see that everyday, and some days are sure harder than others. Good luck to you and try to stay strong.

mixedintherut posted 8/23/2013 18:14 PM

There is nothing easy about this! The 180 is hard, especially with the roller coaster. One minute you feel strong, you can do this, and the next minute it takes everything out of you not to communicate with them. Knowing that its about our ws, and not us, and that while we are hurt we want the chance to work on things, and they don't. This is when I start to feel like I am not good enough, and that this other person is, because he continues to choose her over me, over our family. My guess, is that they are still in the fog, they are not ready to give up their A, and until they want to, there is not much we can do. The 180 helps us, to help ourselves. Ultimately we can't make their choices for them, but we can make choices for our self.

Today is day 6 of the 180 for me. It's not easy, but I can say that pushing myself to concentrate on me, has made me feel a little bit better. I don't necessarily want to do the things that I am doing, but I am forcing myself to do them. Staying busy has helped me keep my mind off of everything else, the questions, the thoughts, the feelings, his lack of all of the above.

Take each day at a time, and if you have to break the day into hours or minutes, you do that. You do what you have to, to get through each day.

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