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Cant decide whether to send a letter

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sjf89 posted 8/23/2013 15:53 PM

I have been so angry since Dday, July 3, 2013. I have been trying to work this out as my WH is very remorseful and we have now done a no contact letter. As far as i know - there has been no contact. We have been in MC since July 22. We are doing all the things that are recommended. But - I cant get over the mind movies and I cant believe that OW is getting away without suffering any consequences for her behavior with my husband. She seduced him on an airplane when he was drunk. They were sitting next to each other after he had dropped me off in CA for a very dangerous procedure. He was on the phone with me saying many loving things. When we hung up she said to him "sounds like a difficult situation. If you feel like talking about it - I'm here." So he talked to her. She worked her ways and got him to drive her home. She called him the next day asking if they could have coffee. instead - they met at a hotel for dinner and they spent the night together. Things took off from there and he saw her a little over 4 months. She is not currently married but has a former spouse that is the husband of her child. She also was recently hired as a financial director at a firm. not a good character to hold that position. I have written two letters -- one to the ex-husband; one to the boss - spelling out her role and what it has done to our family. I cannot - cannot - decide whether to send them. HELP.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/23/2013 16:15 PM

I felt/feel the same way (my dday is around the same time as yours). I've written letters with the intent to send them and never did. I found her XH on social media and was going to tell him - I found a website that was dedicated to outing homewreckers and was ready to put her picture and our story on it. But I didn't...why? Because none of that will fix the betrayal of my H having an A. It may make me feel better in the moment but that's it--a fleeting moment. I'll never know what, if any, pain I would cause. So, I'm focusing on me and our M. If she was married I would have told her XH but since they're D i'm guessing he knows what kind of woman she is.

HurtsBad posted 8/23/2013 16:33 PM

Please fight the urge to send the letters.

As my Dad used to say, it's like trying to teach a pig to dance: it's fruitless, and it annoys the pig.

Feel free to apply this metaphorically any way you like.

hardtimesinlife posted 8/23/2013 23:03 PM

Her ex isn't going to care and neither will her boss. Ow's are everywhere just waiting to seduce a weak, broken individual. The person who betrayed you, yes betrayed - he didn't just stumble and fall into bed with her, is the one who needs to know how painful this is. Besides, sending the letters will let her know she's important and will invite her back into your marriage.

With time the anger will subside. Hang in there. Hugs.

nekorb posted 8/24/2013 06:22 AM

....AND sending the letters will give her a reason to contact your husband and say, "tell your wife to back off!".

I read an article that said contacting the OP is never productive like it feels like it is going to be in our minds.

Write it and burn it.

sjf89 posted 8/24/2013 09:50 AM

Thank you all so much. Your advise is taken to heart. I think I knew this all along but needed to hear it. Bless you all.

TxsT posted 8/24/2013 10:07 AM

Usually the only good that comes out of a letter or call to the other person is that you might feel good for about 20 minutes. Then, afterwards, you feel like just as low as that other person should feel but probably doesn't.

This OW of yours sounds a lot like my husbands OW....she had a pkan, she was the initial aggressor. This doesn't excuse the fact of what. Has happened bu it does explain it a bit. In my case the OW was a coworker who had a horrible, nasty, dysfunctional marriage that was about to end. She had been told by her H that he wanted a divorce, that he hates their marriage. When given the opportunity to be exposed to my H in a distant land at a horribly stressful time in our lives, my mother had just died of a massive Brian aneurism , she took the situation and spent months trying to sexually seduce my husband. When that didn't work she became his friend and listened.....ha yah right!

Most other women think they did nothing worng. Mine justified her actions in texts she sent me after Dday when my husband refused to break no contact when she tried to reach out to him. It was then, when she contacted me that I got to say Everything I had wanted to say to her and more. It didn't do much good because she insisted she had done nothing worng and that I was making her out to be some sick seductress. I guess looking in the mirror was a bit enlightening after all!


Traveler1985 posted 8/24/2013 14:15 PM


I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I felt the same way, I wanted people to know how horrible of a person this OW was. ( in my case, she was a 20 year old "missionary" and I wanted her parents to understand what she had actually been doing the entire time she was there; partying, cocaine binges, sleeping around etc). She had continued to torment me for 3 weeks after dday with calls, texts etc, so yes, I wanted her to hurt.

I'm not proud of it now, but I sent a letter to a few influential people in her life to inform them of the path she had taken while supposedly on this "mission trip", as she was set to return next year for the same purpose.

2 days later I got threatened with a non official cease and desist email stating that I was being threatened with a defamation of character, that happened...

I sent her an email back saying that I would back off, and I haven't heard anything more.

My advice, if you feel so compelled to send letters, just get REALLY clear on the libel and slander rules, and don't commit them...otherwise, she could potentially take you to court.

I totally understand the urge though, but don't send any letters while you are enraged or highly emotional. That much I have learned.

Sending hugs

womaninflux posted 8/24/2013 14:28 PM

I'm 5 months out from DD. In the beginning, I was so tempted to unleash hell on her. But really, my issue is with my SAWH. Sure, she probably pursued him but he took the bait. It is my H's fault that he cheated. Yes there were probably a lot of factors that were influencers but he is the one who allowed himself to do it.

As my lawyer would say: "It's not a good use of your energy or time."

And the other posters are right...the boss and the ex are not going to care. You are not telling the ex something about her character that he doesn't already know.And her boss hired her...he or she will not want to risk a lawsuit brought for firing her on hearsay and also their own reputation for hiring her in the first place.

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