On this site one of the stories went like this.
A true story,
In the aftermath of an incredible injustice done to his people, an old Cherokee chief told his granddaughter that he felt like there was a fight between two wolves going on inside him. One wolf is hostile, filled with hate, anger, resentment, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is filled with goodness, love, peace, hope, compassion, and faith.
His granddaughter thought about this for a moment, and then asked him......Grandfather, which wolf wins?.
The old Cherokee replied....The one I feed.
End of story....enter my interpretation;
These conflicting forces are inside every person. Perhaps the discovery of our WS affairs force-fed the hostile wolf....causing it to become much stronger, giving it the ability to overtake the peaceful one inside of the BS.
For me, this was shocking as I had previously, subconsciously been feeding the peaceful wolf...not fully aware the hostile wolf was in there too. So I am not at all saying I was aware of this dynamic in me pre-A. When I felt the hostile wolf awaken I couldn't believe it was a part of me.
Now what I wrestle with is starving that hostile wolf enough so that my peaceful wolf can overtake it.
It seems like my hostile wolf is on steroids and my peaceful wolf is doing the all natural, fresh diet. In the long run the peaceful wolf will outlast the steroid-injected hostile one....but it will take..........time.
Who wants to take time....we want a pill NOW. We want to make the varsity squad and tryouts are already underway.
I don't know....this is just a story that resonated with me a bit.
Recently, I have been acutely aware of how strong my hostile wolf still is...fed by selfish actions....but I do see my peaceful wolf preparing to re-engage in this battle....and I see the hostile wolf looking just a bit concerned.
Thank you LA44, bubbleup, knowing, wincingatlight, tiredgirl, brokensmile322, bionicgal, ladiesfirst, tripletrouble, learningtofeel, and IRON2006....your recent support entered my cave and shined your light onto my peaceful wolf. I was surprised to find him looking bigger and stronger then I remember him looking.
Your posts to me today brought to my eyes. These tears fed my peaceful wolf well.
Thank you....God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:39 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
My hostile wolf is just posturing and putting on a show, but he knows it isn't sustainable. He's just hurt and in pain, I'm giving him some leeway. He has already started shrinking.
I do know the good wolf will win in the end irregardless of my future path. I know if I am happy, my kids will be happy and that I what I am striving towards.
Thanks for posting!
Inside him there were two wolves, the gentle wolf, the one that was kind, loving, knew the right path.
The angry, aggressive wolf, the one that felt entitled, better than, cold and angry.
I lived with these wolves. I saw his struggle with these wolves, his battle within himself.
I always believed that the gentle wolf would prevail.
He chose to feed the angry wolf. He allowed the angry, self serving wolf to become the stronger one.
That is why we are now in so much pain and turmoil.
He is choosing to now feed the gentle wolf. It is still a battle though. That angry wolf still rears it's head. I see him struggle with the two. Everyday when he feeds that gentle wolf, the angry one is there trying to get his share, trying to become the stronger.
Which ever one he chooses to feed will ultimately determine how our story goes.
I see the struggle but I cannot control it. I am a bystander, a supporter. I can encourage, try to support the gentle wolf, but ultimately it is all on him. How will he choose? Which of his wolves is the strongest?
As always, your post make me think.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
I think it is a very good sign.
I wish my h would pursue things on his own. I feel as if I am force feeding him info. If left to his own devices he would do nothing but let time pass.
He relies on me to do this. It makes me feel like he is only doing it because I insist, because he feels he must not because he wants to learn and grow. I would love for him to search for ways to help me. That in itself, even if he couldn't find anything, just the effort would mean to me that he "gets" the devastation and I mean enough to him for him to have the desire.
Cantaccept - I like how you interpreted it as well, so i am going to send it to my WH today.
I say this because up until less then a week ago I incorrectly assumed my wife was the way your husband was...and I felt I had to feed her peaceful wolf, that she had no desire to do that.
Certainly during her affair and subsequent fog she HAD no desire to feed the peaceful wolf.
So you might check your assumption that he will just let time pass if you aren't actively helping him.
One point I really liked about this story was that it intentionally left out good and bad. Instead it listed real emotions....good and bad are values we assign to emotions...and those values change, emotions stand on their own.
For instance, anger CAN be good or bad. It was good in my case because it brought some reality to my wife and her AP as I interacted with them. It was bad when I continued to use it in mean ways after my wife decided she wanted to R our marriage.
Cantaccept....it is surprising how very similar our paths are...I assure you I felt the identical way your posts to this sound just 1 week ago....this one sharing of this one website by my wife pointed out that I was wrong in my assumption of her. I pray your husband will display the one thing that can help you overcome this stumbling block.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:21 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]
It is true. I am not feeding the right wolf right now.
Sadly, I don't care really and I feel somewhat entitled to feed the angry wolf.
I guess I need to rethink myself.
So very hard to do when you don't feel that your needs are being met.
However, I guess this post also reminds me that whichever wolf I feed is also the wolf reflecting my soul.
I don't want to be a mean angry wolf. Having my needs not met and being angry is not really getting back at my WH, it is slowly killing me.
I need to let go of the anger, feed the right wolf.
As far as my husband, well, I guess the chips will fall where they may.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
Just read your tag line again. I just ordered his book.
Maybe you and I are close to really accepting what he states....letting go of the fear we have that our spouses won't or can't change , that they themselves won't stop feeding that angry wolf inside them....the same wolf that told them they were entitled to their "fun and excitement" with their AP's.
If we are close to that then we need to do the only thing we can do...change ourselves.
My goal from the start of my experience was to not turn into one of the many jaded mean hateful divorcees I know....I sense you share in this goal. To attain that we will find a way to feed and nurture that peaceful wolf. We both were like that before...we will be that again....
I wasn't f*cked up before d-day. I had worked on my issues. I wasn't perfect, I have my flaws, but I wasn't f*cked up, like FWH. I didn't have two wolves fighting inside me. I was content with me and who I was, I liked me. I never felt lonely when I was by myself.
After d-day, I was an emotional mess. I had some new issues I needed to deal with. My self esteem being a big one. But, I still never felt there were two wolves inside me. I have a side of me that can and does get angry. I always have had that. That didn't change after d-day. My anger was righteous and healthy. I didn't let it overtake me, though.
I like the story. It is very true. Whatever emotions you feed, that is the one that will prevail.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:33 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I liked this story. So much so,that I made it my screensaver for awhile. That lasted until I triggered and we got into it. I was crying..because he had lied...and he started yelling at me.."which one are you feeding,C6? Which one are YOU feeding??"
Because...you see...it is MY fault when I get upset..or when I trigger over anything that has to do with infidelity. I get angry because he cheated..or sad..and when I do..I suppose,to my WH,I am feeding the wolf that is angry and hurt.
All my fault.
[This message edited by confused615 at 1:37 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
Kinda ties into my appreciation for the fact that the story doesn't assign good or bad values to the wolves. I do think we need to feed one more then the other and sometimes it is the angry one.
(Confused615). Sorry for the pain associated with this story. It is mean of your husband to use that against you. This is why this is so hard...to have intimacy with another you have to trust they won't hurt you with what you reveal. How a WS hurts a BS is among the deepest hurts a human can feel...not my opinion, it is well documented. So it should come as no surprise to anyone that this is a serious struggle for BS's.
Sigh....I have hurt my wife with what she has revealed to me about her thoughts and feelings around her affair.
Real wisdom is shown when we recognize which wolf to feed in each situation. I have not mastered that wisdom yet....but this story gives me a visual. I use visuals to work through new process's.
To date....this is the best visual for me.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:51 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
My hostile wolf had a banquet last night. Today she's on a diet. Thank you.
[This message edited by struggling16 at 4:10 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
I think that I relate it to not just the present but our entire marriage.
H always fed the aggressive wolf too much, way too much.
I always fed the gentle wolf and kept the fierce wolf in a cage with a blanket over it, it was starved, it was dying.
Now h is recognizing his gentle wolf, choosing to feed that one more often. It is still a struggle, that aggressive wolf has been so powerful for so long.
H wants to feed his gentle wolf. I can see that. I also see his struggle. Sometimes still that angry wolf rears its head, is dominant.
I am nurturing my angry wolf, it does need a little sustenance, but it must be tempered by the gentle wolf.
Somehow, I think I must find a way to let them have equal power. Neither is "bad". They must temper each other.
H is still resistant to reading and talking about many subjects. He is making great strides but does become defensive, no matter how gently I broach the matter.
He seems to react immediately to the discomfort by becoming defensive and then comes around in a day or so.
There is hope.
Awesome story. I never get tired of hearing it, and applying it to my own life.
I would add some of my own words to the traits of each wolf as well:
Dark Wolf: Lies, Impatience, Bitterness, Denial, Recklessness, Selfishness
White Wolf: Authenticity, Gratitude, Loyalty, Integrity, Patience
Trying wicked hard - never giving up.