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When you're damned if you do and damned if you don't

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1DumbHusband posted 8/23/2013 21:32 PM

How do you deal with the times where EVERYTHING you say or do is the wrong thing? There have been times when my loving BS has gotten so angry and furious that every question feels like entrapment and no matter what I's gonna be wrong. I try to tell her I am making changes in my actions and ways of thinking, but it sometimes feels like she doesn't care. "That's great you're making changes and TRYING to be better, but what does that do for me and how does that help MY pain?!?!" How do you help your BS come down from the top of "Anger mountain" in these circumstances and what do you do to reassure them?

Tripletrouble posted 8/23/2013 22:12 PM

I saw you are looking for BS responses as well so ....
I just took a trip up to the peak of anger mountain less than an hour ago, so it's fresh in my mind.
Usually when I get wound up, I really just need to articulate all the pain and anger I'm feeling, and since he caused it, it seems appropriate that he should have to hear it. I'm really not looking for insight or action from him at this point. What I want is for him to truly listen without getting defensive, and respond with specific humble apologies. "I can see how much you hurt tonight - I'm so sorry I didn't consider the devastation to our family. It was selfish and I was dead wrong. Is there any way I can demonstrate to you right now how committed I am to rebuilding our family?". That kind of thing doesn't make me collapse in his arms, but it does take some of the fire out of my heart, and I can usually calm down then. The worst response is to become angry, defensive, or stony. Honestly sometimes I just need to go off on him a bit and want him just to see the demons I battle - the ones he unleashed on me - as I need him to really "get it". If its a time like that, odds are you won't be able to say much that's right, so stay humble and apologetic and sincere, and it may help to defuse some anger.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/23/2013 22:15 PM

You don't help her. She needs to work through her stuff. All you can do is be truthful, be authentic, and be steadfast.

Because... You can be a jerk, but she wants you to stay. Or you could be a saint from now on, but the infidelity was a deal breaker, and that is her prerogative.

The questions are not entrapment. Do not change answers to appease her. Just speak authentically. That is all you do.

1DumbHusband posted 8/24/2013 13:11 PM

Thank you guys for your response. Admittedly, we are still fresh or newbies to the site and DDay was only 2 months ago. I have tried to remain steadfast and supportive. I have even offered to leave to give my BS some space. I don't become defensive or angry, however when I don't have anything new or different to offer, it only makes things worse. I want to help her heal, I just don't know what else to do besides what I'm doing and trying to remain committed to changing my behaviors, actions, and ways of thinking.

rachelc posted 8/24/2013 13:33 PM

How do you deal with the times where EVERYTHING you say or do is the wrong thing? T

you're two months out. its gonna be a rollercoaster for a while. Hang onto your seat.

StrongerOne posted 8/24/2013 13:35 PM

Tripletrouble's advice is perfect. Follow it!

Scubachick posted 8/25/2013 15:57 PM

I do this to my husband and I'm even aware that I do it. It's something I'm working on. I hate that I do it. The thing that sends me over the edge is when he says things like....see, you want me to tell you things and then look how you react when I do. I asked him to just hug me and remind me that he's sorry when I get like this.

Steppenwolf posted 8/25/2013 21:31 PM

Try to remember that you are the one who damned yourself.

1DumbHusband posted 8/25/2013 22:56 PM

Steppenwolf: you are 100% correct. I was just wondering how others got through those difficult times. Accepting the responsibility for our current position is a key step, but sometimes it's hard when those discussions drag on and accepting your role as the cause does not help de-escalate the situation.

catlover50 posted 8/26/2013 08:48 AM

We are much further out and I don't have many questions anymore or trigger very often. But when I do, and when I did, what I want my fWH to do is to hold me for as long as I need, kiss me and tell me how sorry he is. I want him to tell me how devastated he is that he did this to us and that he will spend the rest of his life doing whatever he can to make it up to me. I want him to actually say "what can I do right now to take some of this pain away?".

Instead he tends to get quiet because he feels badly about himself and tries to change the subject. Doesn't help.
I remind him that the sooner he faces it head on, the sooner I can get past it.

Good luck with your journey.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 8:48 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

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