SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

broken0912 posted 8/24/2013 02:50 AM

I have found other women who have been shocked by finding out their perfect, honorable, integrity filled, loving spouse was a cheater. I have found other people who have been married to a WH who had a long term multi-year affair. I have found women who have learned the OW was their very best friend. I have seen women who's WH conceived a child with OW. So far, I have not found anyone who has had all of this and the biggie - after sacrificing becoming a mother for their WH (because he already had children of his own) and using protection for the entire time of their dating & marriage, learned that their WH did not use condom one to keep from contracting a disease or impregnating the deceptive mainpulating OW (who planned the child to get him to leave me & rescue her from her own miserable marriage). Has anyone been through all of this or at least anyone who sacrificed motherhood for her WH only to find out he had a C with the OW? This is the most devastating "crush-me-to-the-ground-may-i-never-get-up" thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life, and I have had a lot of rough stuff in my nearly 50 years. At 1 yr, I am wondering if I will ever be able to get over this. If we will ever be able to have a fulfilling rewarding marriage again. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE someone tell me I am not the only fool who has ever given up something so sacred for someone who deserved it any less.

nolight posted 8/24/2013 03:25 AM

Hi broken, I can't remember her name but there is at least one other woman on here who has gone through this. Another had to have a hysterectomy and couldn't have children then her ex left to start a family with his OW. Heck even I'm 33 and am starting to see that the opportunity to have a family may have passed me by. My heart goes out to you

nolight posted 8/24/2013 03:25 AM

Double post

[This message edited by nolight at 3:26 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Thefly559 posted 8/24/2013 05:59 AM

Well I am sorry you are here. I know the pain believe me I lived it! And still am ! Probably forever etched in my soul but it will be less and less as time passes and you move through the stages. I have a very similar story so you are not the only one. It is hard for me to even write without stirring up some bad emotions but I will for you so you can know you are not alone in this mess. My stbxw and I were married for 9 yrs together for 18. We discussed a big family and house with lots of kids as I love family and kids. We agreed to 4 at least. Although she did give me two amazing beautiful children , after my second child was born 7 years ago , she told me she didn't want to take the pill anymore because it was not healthy for her . As I loved her and believed her I used a condom for 7 f--king years while we slept together , never without she would tell me she didn't trust me ! Dam! Sorry I get real f--ked up even typing this because this betrayal hurt worse than her loving another. So during discovery of her affair , after her lies and cheating for years started to unfold , I found out she was on birth control for years and sleeping with another man with no condom!!!! Even after I bought her a brand new Mercedes because she said if I did she would think about a third child! So that is part of my story which is similar to yours. So I know the pain and I am really sorry. You or I deserve a whole lot better. I am far from an insecure man but when it came to her I was blind and so in love and in total denial. Finding the birth control pills in her pocket book actually sticking out like she meant it. Was worse than catching her in my brand new car I just got her at a hotel room at 2am while I am home with kids. Dam. I wrote it and I'm ok ! Hope I helped you. Focus on you now and I wish you strength and power both mentally and physically. If I can suggest a read as someone else has it is " not just friends" by Shirley glass . It will help you understand. It did for me. Good luck in your journey!!

broken0912 posted 8/24/2013 16:54 PM

thanks guys. Really appreciate the support guys.

broken0912 posted 8/24/2013 17:13 PM

Before I faced this, I would have thought anyone who stayed with someone after such a multiple layered, longterm, horrific betrayal, would either be a saint or just stupid. I know I'm no saint, which makes me wonder...

Thefly559 posted 8/24/2013 18:16 PM

I thought the same think. I would call myself a sucker , I would think that how the hell did I not see this . When you are in it and in love unconditional love as I was and I am sure you were , you don't want to believe it . Your mind kind of blanks that part out . It was not till later till I passed through my stages of depression , and I got to anger . That is when I stepped outside the doorway and looked into the whole relationship and all the abuse and lies and betrayal I overlooked. I felt real stupid until I realized this has been going on since the beginning of time , I am not a big church guy but I think it is even in the bible ! How many people smarter , wealthier , better looking , more powerfull

Thefly559 posted 8/24/2013 18:19 PM

Sorry hit button on accident. Lol. As I was saying it happens to a lot of people as you can see by the amount of posts and members of just this site alone . So please don't get down on yourself. You tried you loved you didn't lie or cheat or steal or manipulate! You are better. They did what they did because of their faults not yours!

Ashland13 posted 8/24/2013 18:31 PM

Hi Broken,

To this day, nearly two years later, I suspect there could be an OC. We may (ETA:) be not given the "gift" of truth for a number years, but I don't think it's something that can always be hidden? There are clues, such as him working on a nursery but saying it's for a relative of OW??? and some other scheistery things...

Nearly ExH manipulated me, repeatedly, got out, and then manipulated OW as well...excepted that I booted him and she doesn't. He told her that he was a widower, but he was not.

It is also suspected that he had a visactemy over the course of the year, between rumors he started and ...activity he did.

And I myself am due to have a baby in four weeks and there is no WH here, he is ----there. So think it's similar to your story in some ways, with different angles.

In the meanwhile, OW manipulated him back and he accepts that. She threw him under the bus when he tried to come home and it was real, which sounds naïve...and yet he accepts this kind of person.

I hope that you will feel better soon. FWIW, I've heard from various people that it takes several years for a person to truly feel healed...and it's not overnight, but a gradual journey, where we may feel pieces of a puzzle plugged in each day. Set backs come and go, but that's what I'm told...it doesn't hit us on the head like pots and pans, but it does come.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:32 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Jospehine85 posted 8/24/2013 19:49 PM

Broken0912, what you are experiencing is the pain that comes with realizing you made an unretrievable sacrifice for your WS. One you now regret.

Many of us have done that on various issues.

I never wanted my tubes tied. My WH insisted after our last child was born that I get my tubes tied and that if I didn't it meant that I was intending to leave him. He didn't want any more kids, but I did.

Basically, I allowed him to bully me in to tying my tubes. I should have said "no" and stood firm.

Now, he had multiple pregnancies "scares" with the OW and although we are supposedly in R, he refuses to get a vasectomy.

He can go out and start a new family, but I can not and HE was the one who didn't want any more kids.

There are sooo many other things I should have never allowed. I think the lack of children is one of yours.

I should have made every major decision thinking that my marriage was not permanent and NEVER NEVER NEVER made a choice based on the assumption that my marriage was forever.

I can only move forward in the future acting in the manner I should have always acted.

Williesmom posted 8/24/2013 19:52 PM

I had my tubes tied at age 30 because I knew that I didn't want to have children with him, and I thought that we would be married forever.

During his A, they were trying for a child. He held the tubal against me because I "took away his chance to be a father."

He still doesn't have children, and I regret the tubal, but not the divorce.