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stillstruggle posted 8/24/2013 03:41 AM

I found out at the beginning of the summer that my H was having an OEA with my BFF of 7+ years (and MOH at our wedding). The PMs from his end were very graphic of what he wanted to do to her, wanting to make me watch, etc. Her PMs were more coy, mostly talk about bringing OW into the mix and my lack of interest in such activities ("Maybe convince her" "She's no fun anymore" etc etc). My H and I had lightly experimented w/her consentingly a few times years back, and I wanted to stop but they didn't. She kept coming on to me when my H wasn't around, which made him SPA and though I put up walls she didn't take no for an answer. The more I pushed her away, the closer they got. They both had pressured me into situations that I said no to through feelings of guilt & low self worth. Needless to say, when I found the PMs I confronted her and broke off contact w/her before it became a PA between her and my H, but I have been angry, confused, betrayed and depressed ever since. I don't want a D bcuz of the history, and neither does my H. He feels remorse after I dropped the D-word but before both she and him acted entitled to acting in such a disgusting manner and making me hurt so much. She even tried to wriggle out of it by making excuses that she had done nothing wrong. But I know better now, that POS HW.

I know I need to seek counseling (tough 2 do when broke), but this is the first time I've really talked about it w/anyone other than my H bcuz his and my folks would be devastated and I have no other friends. I feel really alone right now & trying to heal/get on w/my life. I'm having a tough time tho bcuz he keeps talking to my old friends (OW) that I don't talk to anymore. He has shared personal bedroom info w/friends and OW/OM trying to gain interest in us behind my back in the past. My H's track record dont look so good on his end, but our love is so strong & pure despite these pitfalls its not an easy decision to make. It has been a deep and troubling turmoil, to say the least... I am so hurt/humiliated that my H & BFF would betray me so badly & she doesn't even seem to miss me bcuz she has her new posse yet I'm left w/no one but me and my WS

AFrayedKnot posted 8/24/2013 05:14 AM

(((Stillstruggle)))

I am sorry for your pain and confusion. Welcome to SI. You will find support and guidance here.

I sorry for your double betrayal by your H and BFF. There is a thread in I Can Relate dedicated to double betrayals. You can find specific support there.

There is a great book you and your WH should read "Not Just Friends".

There are a few post here in Just Found Out you should take a look at too:
Boundaries and Consequences 101
Tactical Primer
A Great Post for Newbies
Before You Say Reconcile

Your WH needs to establish NC with the OW. Your WH needs to stop discussing person information with others. The two of you need to decide on Friends Of the Marriage (FOM). These are people that you trust that have the best interest of you marriage at heart. You need to establish what your boundaries are and what the consequences are if they are broken.

Keep reading and posting here. You will make it through this.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/24/2013 05:16 AM

I forgot the Healing Library!!!

In the yellow box in the upper left side of the screen there is a link to the Healing Library. If you have not checked it out yet, you should. There are great articles and FAQs.