SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That's it I have given up. My choice is made.

I have always been overweight, I am no oil painting. I have scars, I have mental health problems.

My husbands name starts with J as did his two ow. We went to choose our puppy today. H has already met the woman whose name also begins with J. He persuaded me to go today saying she is a really lovely woman. Well we get there and lo and behold a stunning brunette with tits to die for and a very very low cut top. She kept bending over to pick up the puppies and I wanted to hit her. I tried making small talk and she looked down her nose at me. All smiles for H though.

I saw him say hi perfectly innocent to a neighbour whose name also begins with J. I am getting really paranoid about J names. Like if she is named J he must want her. They all seem attractive outgoing and busty.

My lesson is learnt. I am not good enough to hold a man. There are too many other women in the world flashing all they have to any man. His AP is well endowed and I asked if she flashed that much flesh at work and he said yes. He insists he found it inappropriate as she would bend over people, inc him, in the office. Didn't stop him having an affair with her though did it so his denials fall flat imo.

I am not small I am a 36f but that's in a correctly fitted bra, most women would say I was a c cup cos they wear the wrong size but cos I am a size 18 (uk) I don't look busty. I can't wear the clothes these women do.

I can't compete with all the beautiful women in the world. I will never be good enough. I am breaking here. I have decided I am not good enough to keep any man faithful in this world of tarts and tits out everywhere I look.

I will be a mum and a housekeeper but no man will ever see my hideous body again or touch me. I am just not good enough.

Yes I am having a minor breakdown here but its all true.

The only way I can feel secure is to shut out any moan especially my husband. He says I am beautiful 'to him' but I couldn't keep him faithful, he went for the busty ex barmaid.

I will shut down to avoid future pain that is inevitable.

I want to die but I am a mum so that option is closed to me.

[This message edited by olwen at 7:47 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

((olwen))

I don't have the words to help you, all I have are hugs.

Cheating has nothing to do with how you look - it has NOTHING to do with you at all.

The sad clown cheated on me with an woman that looked like a man.

Just in the celebrity field - how many actors and supermodels have been cheated on? Eva Longoria, Sandra Bullock, Robert Pattinson etc. etc. etc.

Michael Hutchence (INXS) cheated on Helena Christiansen with Paula Yates.

They don't cheat because there is something wrong with you - they cheat because there is something wrong with them.

Your low self esteem has you tolerating far less than you deserve. It is not your weight, your scars or your mental health problems - it is your lack of self esteem. Work on that and you will find the happiness that has eluded you so far.

((olwen)) Self loathing is so toxic and does nothing but harm. I am kind of funny looking and I have Vitiligo. But I rock it like nobodies business because I love myself.

I lost some of that for the last few years of the toxic M but it had nothing to do with how I looked and everything to do with tolerating so much less than I deserved.

(((olwen)))

I am not good enough to hold a man. There are too many other women in the world flashing all they have to any man.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. This is how the betrayal of our partner's makes us feel.

Your WH's behavior has nothing to do with you. He has an empty hole inside himself which he was trying to fill by crossing appropriate boundaries with a woman like that.

It is terribly damaging to the self esteem of the BS. IC can help a lot.

I can't wear the clothes these women do.

Some of us prefer to dress more modestly. The idea of walking around with the sole intent of "selling the goods" is not who we are. We know that what matters is whats inside.

Just know that you are not alone.

Sending you hugs and strength.

{{{olwen}}}

olwen; Honey. Listen to me. I was not aware that I was beautiful until I was 40. Yes, 40. I have so many scars and the only ones I can tell you about without taking years of your life are the physical ones.

When I was a pretty little girl my older step brother didn't like me. He had me play hide and seek in bushes where he knew there was a nest of hornets. When I was 2 he placed a punching bag that stood on a board attached to a spring in front of the glass storm door and told me to take a running punch at it. He moved it as I got close and my hand went throught the glass. When I was 2 he showed me how to wash my dolls clothes in an old fashioned wringer washer and my little hand was pulled into the wringer and went all the way to the top of my arm and nearly ripped it off. I had most of my let hip/pelvis removed when I was 12. Both of my children are c-sections with the scar up to my belly button, not across the pelvic area. I had a breast reduction and a friend had one but her scar was just a teeny slit under the fold of her breast. Mine is a butchered job that would make any woman hide and I can't find a bra that fits because I'm not an A and I'm not a B either. That is the saddest feeling for me. I always had big boobies and I really enjoyed them.

So honey, all I have left of my beauty is inside me. The sparkle in my eyes when I smile without thinking of these last few years of abuse. The fun woman I was is trying to dig herself out of the darkness this puts us in. I look in the mirror and see wrinkles and new moles and dark spots. I cry for the young woman that did not realize she was beautiful on the outside but thought she was a good happy person on the inside. I cry for all the illusions we paint ourselves with.

Help me, by helping you. Realize that the people that truly love you see your true beauty. Maybe it's your gentle hands. Maybe it's the color of your eyes when you laugh in the sunshine. Maybe it's the way you carry yourself in their defence. Whatever your beauty is I can guarantee you do have beauty. And worth. And more value than any bathing beauty on the planet.

Thank you everyone. I do try to think in positive ways but having to stand next to a woman 4 sizes smaller than me with 3/4 of her breasts showing bending over in front of my husband just like is whore did at work,has finished me off.

I used to be slim and attractive and still got abuse hurled at me. I was followed home as a teen by a group of drunks chanting lard legs, slap her thighs and ride the waves. Then when I was 15 I had a two year relationship with an older boy who abused me severely. He told me I had to stay with him cos no one else would ever look at me twice. He got me so low I stood there naked in front of him when he pointed out every flaw on my body. Yet he never had his hands off me wanted or not. I have had multiple surgeries and have a deformed stomach from botched surgery. The surgeon cut through the same hip to hip scar for my c section and I have a disgusting pouch I can do nothing about. No money for surgery to fix it and as I am prone to adhesions it could even prove dangerous.

He raped me and hit me and I was also sexually assaulted at school, before I had ever been kissed.I have only ever slept with 3 men. The abuser, rebound guy who got me away from him and husband who really was my knight in shining armour.

I used to go out and watch all my friends get hit on and I was left feeling unwanted.

Then I met my husband. I walked into a pub one night and he zeroed in on me. The girl I was with took me over to their table and we sat with them. I had got confused cos she said her nasty ex was in the pub and I mistakenly thought it was h. He chatted me up relentlessly even though I was rude and distant to him. THen she told me it was not him, her ex was over other end of pub. I warmed up to him after that though I couldn't relax as I didn't trust men. He obviously liked my body cos when I said I was hot he told me to take my second cover up top off. I couldn't do it even then at sweet 17 and size 12. he walked me home and kissed me saying he would call the next day. He did, at exactly 1 minute past noon. We spent every day together from that moment on and fell in love hard. He made me feel beautiful and I gained confidence. All his friends started flirting with me and I thought maybe I am ok after all.

Here we are 18 years later and I get uglier with each passing year and he just gets more distinguished, better looking and more confident around women.

I feel I am straight back to being that terrified 17 year old. We had a great love for each other or so I thought. He told me recently he always held part of his heart back in case I left him or met someone else.

we have been through so much, mental illness, bereavement, ivf, and just got stronger for it. Then this little bitch comes along and 'makes him feel good' and bam he questions his feeling for me. He said how can I feel like this about someone else if I love my wife. So he kissed her to find out. He then decided there was nothing between them and he did love me. It didn't give him the strength to refuse her the next night when she picked him up from the very same pub we met in, after he had watched the band that played our wedding and she took him to the car park he taught me to drive in. She seduced him and he didn't say no. my heart is broken beyond repair I think.

How could he destroy something that special? I didn't realise how ugly I had become, or I chose to ignore it cos he made me feel so special. Now all those years of building my confidence up have been destroyed. I can never compete with the other women in this world. I see beauty in every woman but it's disappeared from me since the affair.

((((olwen)))) I feel your pain, sweetie, and I don't have the words that will change that. Just know that so many here know you are a beautiful and lovely woman.

I'm nearly 3 years from my early suspicions and DD. I still struggle but when a smile or laugh sneeks up on me for that one brief moment I feel the beauty in me. It's not on the outside honey. It's all inside of you.

You're still so early in these struggles. Please believe me. You will smile and laugh again. When you do it will take you by surprise that you still can be happy. I was so surprised by my first laugh and it came from my attorney! He asked me if I was sure they had sexual intercourse. That's exactly how he asked it. We were in the middle of our second meeting after I had decided I trusted him and had a gut feeling that he would be a great representative for me. We were going over so many things and that question popped up out of nowhere and took me by surprise. After a beat or two of akward silence I just bust a gut out laughing so hard I had tears and I'm sure I was heard down the hall!

Give yourself time to grieve. You will smile again. You will feel beautiful again. I promise you this. It's all inside of you and it will come back. FTG! I think you're beautiful simply because you're brave enough to voice this pain with us. Hang on honey, it will get better. Just try to be kind to yourself.

I get where you're coming from, olwen, even though I'm not the betrayed. I too thought I was ugly, not worth noticing, invisible, plain at best. I too have scars but you know what? I look at those scars and think "I'm still healthy enough to have healed from what caused them. I survived and they're reminders that I have." Granted a few of them are surgucal scars but it's well known that any surgery carries risk, no matter how "routine". I carry scars from my children (stretch marks) and I'm not afraid to show them.

Scars are a testament to survival. Yours came from some horrific experiences caused by a doctor who was negligent at best. But you survived. That's no small feat.

As for the "beautiful" women... screw them. Especially if they know it. They tend to have nothing else going for them. They rely on their looks to get what they want because it works... until it doesn't. And when it stops working for them they tend to fall in a crash that rivals the Hindenburg.

You (and the rest of us "plain" people) have so much more to offer that the outer shell hides. We are the ratty, dog-eared book whose pages hold a literary masterpiece.

You *are* good enough for any man and someday you'll find the man who's good enough for you.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 9:32 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

(((((Olwen)))))

It WILL get better. I have similar issues. Abused as a child, never "pretty enough" as a teen. I met my XWH at 19, and loved and trusted him with all my heart.

You are in such early stages. The others are right....there is NOTHING wrong with YOU....there is EVERYTHING wrong with him and the choice he made to cheat.

It was incredibly difficult to rouse myself enough in my early days to start figuring out a way to feel better. The best book that helped me was "Getting Past Your Breakup", but there are tons of other book, and counseling helps TREMENDOUSLY, if you can find the right counselor.

I worked hard at forcing myself to feel positive, about me, about life, even when, inside, I was ready to die. I began exercising. Never did lose but more than a couple pounds...just firmed up a bit (and believe me, I have a lot of weight I need to lose). I could go on and on at everything I tried, EVEN WHEN I WAS CONVINCED I WOULD NEVER FEEL BETTER.

And then.....earlier this year, I turned 50. I had started to FEEL better a few months earlier. I had my son take a photo of me in a new outfit. And all of a sudden, friends, family, and EVEN STRANGERS began telling me how great I looked, how I just had a "sparkle", how healthy I looked. Remember, I'd not lost weight, nothing much outward had changed, just the smile I forced myself to wear.

And eventually, that smile became who I am. People say I look greater than ever.....it's only because I finally FEEL better.

So please, take those first steps in that long journey to feel better. It's soooo hard, but you can do it! Just take it a day at a time. And do me a favor? Never, ever, allow yourself to think that youre "repulsive" again. Tell yourself the opposite, even if you dont feel it....every day.

[This message edited by SadMad2012 at 9:46 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Olwen, I use to feel like U. I have scars and a gunt from having 3 C-sections. My H use to watch porn all the time and it even killed my self esteem more. For the past few months I have been looking in the mirror before I shower. Telling myself even though I'm far from perfect ..I am still Beautiful ..I learned to love my self again. I know a lot of BBW..they all have one thing in common..they love every inch of them selves. Their self confidence shines through making them even sexier. One doesn't need to show body parts to be sexy. Its all about how one carry's them self and works with what they have. ( hugs)

as many here will tell you its rarely about looks or body type. my husband had an affair with his exwife who weighs 300 pounds i weigh 107 pounds and am a size two. so its not about looks

Please don't confuse keeping a broken boy with being attractive to a real man.

Beauty, truly, is in the eye of the beholder, and when those eyes are attached to a damaged brain, you may be just be fortunate to let the boy limp away.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. This is how the betrayal of our partner's makes us feel

Why? I'm not being shitty. I'm seriously asking. My ex was probably never faithful. Fucked my best friend and has an OC. Treated me like a piñata and would have loved to watch one of his friends fuck me. My mom handed me around like a party favor. That's on them. They're the repulsive ones. Not me.

I have my own issues. Theirs aren't anywhere close on that list.

Olwen, you're not repulsive. Those vile people are. Talk about ugly. Good lord.

I've noticed with friends throughout life as well as others I overhear and talk to, this focus on how others view "us". It supersedes everything and regardless of how flawed "they" are (and one can clearly identify that) its just shrug, "ok, I must be that because "they" think I am".

No, who you are and what you offer is yours and yours alone. No one can touch that. No one. I was violently assaulted in my apartment when I was 19. That animal got 2 hours of my life and that's fucking it. Not one thing more. Didn't even come close to hurting who I am. He can't.

Do not give away your power. Do not ever let another set of eyes be your mirror. Do not look at your scars (I have quite a few) reflect anything but healing and how wonderful your body is to be able to do that.

Stop looking at others and you'll find you will feel very different about yourself. You are precious. Doubt me...jump in a pool hold your breath and dive. You'll move heaven and earth to breath fresh air again. You innately know your value. That's the voice you listen to.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I too have scars. I have had 2 C-sections and I have a scar running down the entire length of my stomach, where I had to have exploratory surgery.

I don't think it matters what we, the BS looks like, because I would be willing to bet I look better that the whore my wh cheated with. I am not being vain, but I am in my early 40's and could pass for 30 or younger. I am blonde and have blue eyes. I'm not thin by any means but, I'm also not big. I wear a size 4. I probably wear the kind of clothes you are referring to. But you know what? It didn't matter because wh cheated on me.

I am like you in that I see smaller women, women with better bodies, bigger breasts, taller, etc and I feel ashamed of the way I look. I know my wh prefers smaller women, women who are taller than me. He says he doesn't but I have seen him check them out through the years.

I hope you feel better soon, it's hard I know, but I bet you are beautiful, you have just been treated horribly in the past. Look for the beauty in yourself and don't let your wh or anyone else make you feel bad.

(((Olwen)))) No, it's not true. I know you believe it to be, but your thinking is irrational.

Please---consider IC. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

And that good feeling has nothing to do with bra size or the letter with which your name begins.

Olwen, I sent you a PM.

It's not you, it's the world that's ugly and wrong. The world of greed and lust and selfishness. And I don't even mean "inside" beauty. I mean the way you are, real as a person is infinitely more beautiful than these monstrous creations these people have made themselves into.

Olwen, I am so sorry for how badly you are hurting.

You post made me incredibly sad, because infidelity has nothing to do with what you look like. It wouldn't matter if you were a supermodel or as ugly as sin: it has nothing to do with you physically.

It is horrible that an A can make you feel so bad about yourself. I too hated myself and was physically repulsed by myself after my Hs betrayal. It had to be about me... I was ugly. I have BMI of 22 and I am a runner: I felt fat, ugly and I hated my blonde hair and small tits. Nevermind that OW was chubby, it must have been her dark hair and big breasts which I don't have... You aren't repulsive. Your H has hurt you and you turned that hurt on yourself, finding flaws within you to validate why he had the A.

You are good enough. You are too good for your H whose behaviour has destroyed your self-esteem.

Please discuss this with your IC and know that you are beautiful inside and out. We all are!