I just thought I would share a few things I have learned in the hopes that perhaps some of the newer members might learn from my mistakes.
I realized that I HAVE been doing my best all along. I really was. I was, however, not doing anything to make my best BETTER. I had limited tools in my arsenal. I had limited knowledge of the subject. I hadn't really dug deep within myself.
Since I am currently at my daughter's hockey practice, let me put it this way:
If she were playing in her first game, she may be putting in the best effort she can and doing everything to the best of her ability. In this isolated moment, that is all you can expect of someone; win or lose, someone's best effort is all you can expect. But let's fast forward 10 games. She is still giving her best effort, still doing the best she can with her abilities. All you can ask for right? Well no, not really. What did she do with all of that time in between the first game and the tenth game? There were eight other games between that first game and now. There have been countless practices in that time. There have been countless opportunities to work on her weak points, whether they be skating backwards, stick-handling, passing... So yeah, all you can ever ask of someone at any given time is to do their best, but as time moves on and you string those moments together, your BEST needs to get BETTER.
Another thing that has been realized: listen to your BS. Yeah, it really is that easy (at least the concept). A thread my BW started in Recon brought some interesting thoughts to light. Often, we are suspicious of the easy path. Nothing in life is easy, how could healing your BS POSSIBLY be easy? So when they tell you to "Just do this," or "Just do that," you don't believe it. There's no such thing as a free lunch, right? Surely there's a trick, a scam, a catch of some kind. Really? Just do THAT? When does the trap get sprung and tar and feather me? Surely the solution is more complicated than that, so I am going to find a different, much more convoluted solution. Well guess what? It was that easy. You have to believe it. Don't be afraid to take the simple path. Which leads to my final point.
You have to let go of past hurts. You do. All of those lingering hurts, doubts, indiscretions are keeping you from trusting your BS. That lack of trust is what is keeping you from taking the easy, obvious path. They are telling you to do it, but history is telling you that it won't make a difference. Guess what? This doesn't compare to anything else in your shared history, so history has no part in the process. If your BS is trying to R, then you need to trust that they are telling you what they need to do so. I know in our case, that moment really began as more of a challenge, like I was calling her bluff: "Oh yeah? I don't give you the time you need to feel your emotions? I get frustrated and angry when your hurting? Well OK, tough guy, let's try it YOUR way then!" So guess what? I did try it her way. And things are better. Well fuck me.
So really, I know I use the word "easy" a lot. The concepts themselves ARE very easy. Following through (CONSISTENTLY!) is far from it. But the better you are at these concepts, the better your chances at a successful R. Remember, the best effort, even with consistent improvement, does not guarantee R. We threw away that feeling of security a long time ago. But I think any WS who truly loves their BS and is truly remorseful would rather go down swinging.
(As always, typed on my phone... I apologize for rambling and/or typos.)