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Husband had an EA. Not sure what the truth is.

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colleen80 posted 8/24/2013 08:56 AM

Married 10 months, together 4 years.
Last weekend, after falling asleep on the couch as a result of a 70 hour work week, I woke to discover my H in the kitchen texting someone at 2:30 am. I confronted him and he immediately admitted that he had “met someone “is confused” and “never felt like I do when I am with her.” I asked him if he intended to leave me for her and he said he was not sure. He also told me that their relationship was just flirting and texts up to this point but that it was of a romantic nature and he hoped for more. She is a co-worker that started at his office one month ago.
We hashed this out for hours until he eventually told me he really did not want to leave me for her, had no intention of doing so and said all of the hurtful things to me because he was scared, confused and felt that he did not deserve my love so he was trying to push me away. He admitted to having lunch with her and that he lied about having to work late so that he could spend time with her after work. He claims that there was never any sexual interest in her. He only was happy for the attention and validation she was giving him. (She made him feel like a hero as she kept coming to him with various family problems and he was there to lend a helping hand.)
Since this, he has contacted her and told her that he cannot continue the relationship because it is hurting his marriage. I have had access to his phone, email, I pad and have not seen any signs of contact.
However, in looking through his records, I was shocked to find proof of a pretty intense addiction to pain killers and an extensive and well organized porn collection dating back to before we met. (We have had sexual dysfunction issues since the beginning of our relationship that I always suspected were a result of porn but he swore up and down he had no interest in it every time I brought it up).
He began therapy within days of this discovery and seems sincere in his efforts to repair our marriage and most importantly to end this addiction. (We have got him into a detox program) Before I discovered all this, I thought he was the perfect husband. Everyone in my life envied our relationship. I feel like I am married to a stranger now.
So, I am asking for those who have more experience. Is it even possible for someone to overstate a relationship out of fear or other psychological reasons? I want to believe him and I have yet to find proof of much more than he has admitted to other than the fact the he told me they exchanged about 20 texts or so and according to phone records it was more like 75-100. He admitted to having lunch with her and that he lied about having to work late so that he could spend time with her after work. He swears that is all that happened. But I keep playing that initial conversation in my head and thinking there must be some truth in him saying he loved her and was considering leaving me for her. He admitted to having lunch with her and that he lied about having to work late so that he could spend time with her after work.
His therapist says he has a lot of past issues to work through and that this erratic behavior is both a result of his drug use, for which he is getting help now, and a feeling of worthlessness making him try to push me away. I want so much to believe this but I feel like such a fool. I am not sure if I should believe anything he says right now. He has been lying to me about so many things. Could he be telling the truth now or am I just setting myself up for a pattern of betrayal if he learns he can get away with all of this?

AStar posted 8/24/2013 11:04 AM

Colleen80, sorry that you find yourself here.
At this stage, you are not going to know what the truth is- you instincts are telling you one thing, you know your H betrayed you, you don't know the extent, you know he lied to you, you aren't sure where or what the truth is... It's confusing and it hurts. You are going to have to find the truth via your H- who needs to honestly tell you, or you are going to have to search his phone records or emails to get some idea of what the truth is. At this stage the truth is important, you need to know, but your H either wants to hide the truth or minimize what happened - difficult situation. It is a good thing that your H is in counselling. You should consider this for you to help you with the discovery of an A. From personal experience, an EA hurts as much as a PA.... It still is a case where the person you love and trust betrayed all that you hold dear, including your M.
It shakes you to the core.
Please see the Healing Library on the left (yellow tab) for some additional help.
Please take care of yourself and know that you are amongst friends who will support you here at SI.

Butterfly24 posted 8/24/2013 11:36 AM

I'm sorry for the situation you are in, it sucks, I know.

You said your husband has an addiction to pills and is getting help. I wanted to ask you of you have been to any nar anon meetings. It is a group for loved ones of addicts. If you haven't you may want to see if you have one in your area. It is very helpful to see that you are not alone and to hear the stories of others dealing with an addicted loved one.

emotionalgirl posted 8/24/2013 13:05 PM

Colleen (((( hugs)))) I too discover my husbands EA accidentally. He claims he was talking to her because he didn't feel close to me and needed to talk about the troubles in our marriage ( I didn't know we had any). He says he needed a female perspective. In honesty what he needed was to feel like a hero and have someone dote on him! I still don't have TD and don't know if I will get it. My WH also has an obvious porn addiction which I didn't know about. Our sex life is nil and I had started to wonder I know what a shock. We were also the perfect couple, he was outwardly attentive, held my hand always a gentleman, bought little gifts, sweet texts, everyone wants to be me....more fool them, apparently my life is a mirage it shimmers to view at the surface but when you look closely there is really nothing there. It has taken 3 D days for him to finally admit that he was doing something wrong by having an EA. we have been married 25 yrs and now only time will tell. My thoughts go with you on this difficult journey.

Skan posted 8/24/2013 13:23 PM

Hey there. I'm sorry that you had the reason to come find us, but I am so happy that you DID find us. We're here to support you. Lord knows, we've walked in your shoes, and we can extend understanding, support, and advice to you. Welcome.

I'm glad that your WH is in therapy. It's long overdue, it sounds like. How about you? You need someone to talk to as well. I highly recommend that you get some IC for yourself. I would suggest that you hold off on MC until he's weaned away from the drugs. You don't need that erratic up and down until he's stabilized from the drug use.

Listen. What you're feeling right now is normal. Your world has been turned upside down and inside out. You're going to feel betrayed, enraged, helpless, cold, hot, as if you can reconcile, as if you need to walk away, on the floor in tears, screaming in anger, up and down, and these feeling might follow each other in mere moments. This is normal. We call it the rollercoaster. Please don't think that you're going crazy your body and mind are reacting to the trauma that you're going through and it's a rough ride.

No. You should not believe one word out of your WHs mouth right now because he has proved himself to be a liar, and liars lie. Look at actions, not words. Words are cheap at this point. And frankly, I think that deep down you know that two adults who meet after work and who are attracted to each other, are not satisfied in just "talking" and spending time with each other that does not involved sex. I think that you have to assume, for your wellbeing, that they did have a PA. It just doesn't make sense that they did not. Unfortunately, that means that you need to have STD/HIV tests run on yourself and he needs to have them run on him as well. You will need to see his results in writing or by his doctor reporting directly to you. You cannot trust his word on this because liars lie. I am so very, very sorry.

Please. Be gentle with yourself. Eat what you can. Stay hydrated. Rest when you can. Treat yourself as lovingly as you would if your BFF was going through this. This is a time for you to be selfish and be kind to yourself.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

jjct posted 8/25/2013 21:27 PM

So, I am asking for those who have more experience. Is it even possible for someone to overstate a relationship out of fear or other psychological reasons?

Please and gently, just get away from whatever toxic reasons you are staying.
Get IN to your own self.

Bloomsday posted 8/25/2013 21:58 PM

Your reference to an "extensive and well organized porn collection" - - presumably even to the untrained eye - - strikes me as odd. A "normal" porn collection does need to cataloged like the Library of Congress so that an obscure document can be located at a moment's notice. Pain meds and compulsive behavior (if exhibited elsewhere) may be a bigger concern than his (potentially) delusional dalliance.

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