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krazy8516 posted 8/24/2013 09:34 AM

Okay, so I had an odd trigger last night. I hate that I can still be surprised by what sets me off.

Anyway, my WH was playing X-Box with his best friend last night before bed. No big deal. I want him to have friends (just not her) and spend time with them. But his game last night set off a chain reaction of thoughts that I wasn't expecting. Suddenly I was thinking back to a time - before we got married, or were even engaged - I was watching him play his X-Box. We were living together at his mom's, I think. And then it hit me... this was such a simpler time in both of our lives. If only a little fairy had come and sat onn my shoulder and whispered, "See this man? He's not who you think he is. Run. Run now, and run fast."

Does anybody else get these "what if" thoughts? If only I could have known back then the pain he would put me through, I could have called it quits before it ever even happened! It's so much easier to "break up" with a guy if it's just not working out than it is to divorce the man you love and leave your daughter with a broken family.

While I was locked in the bathroom crying last night, Garth Brooks' 'The Dance' played in my head briefly.... "I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." I'm not sure this applies to me - our marriage is still so young, I feel like there has been more pain than dance. I try to think of the good/ happy times we've had, but 1) I usually just end up in tears and 2) I can't get passed the feeling that they were all fake.

I hate to say it, but I think if I could go back and do it all over I'd politely remove myself from the relationship and move on. He'd just be a "guy I dated once" and not "the man who broke my heart."

PeaceLove187 posted 8/24/2013 10:14 AM

My recurring memory is of one morning when I was sweeping the floors after his first A (actually the A was still going on but I just thought it was over). With the broom in my hand, I sat down on the steps between our entry and our living room and prayed to God for guidance. I could have sworn He was telling me to divorce my H but I ignored that message, believing I was sensing the voice of my friends instead. We had a small daughter, after all, and divorce is a sin, plus my H was depressed and surely I had an obligation to help him through his depression, right?

At least 4 PAs and who knows how many on-line As later, I'm convinced that was God's voice I heard and I should have listened. I'm glad we're reconciling again now, but I would have preferred to have missed all the pain of the past few years.

TxsT posted 8/24/2013 10:25 AM


I wish so many times that I could go back to some point in time and either be happy again or do something else entirely. I have even told my husband I was going to go back to my old life that I gave up to be with him and move on from their. But we both know that isn't going to be an option. In our case, I have been married to this person for more then half my life. There is wayyyyy to much good walk away from, even if right now this one very horrible and bad thing makes all that good seem wasteful. It makes me sick to know that life got in the way, that choices we both made set us on a path to this and that there were simple things that could have been done by both of us that would have ended in missing this nasty part of our journey, probably all together. This is where my sadness comes from. The knowing deep in my gut that we had the chance to not go down this path but not the skills to stop it from happening.

Do you still deeply love your hubby even after the mess he has caused? If you do, and you are able to get beyond this hell, you might be surprised that the rest of your marriage in the future is so different. The skills we are all forced to learn through this hellish process set us up to have a much better, more fulfilling marriage then wheat we could have ever had if the A had not happened. Just my communication skills alone have improved so much people outside of this mess have noticed how much better a person I have become.

If you can't get beyond the I wish we could go back feelings maybe you need to figure out what is missing in your R and ask for it......the worst that could happen is that he says no.....the best is that you could change your whole world for the better.


krazy8516 posted 8/24/2013 11:41 AM

Do you still deeply love your hubby even after the mess he has caused?

Yes, I do. I hate myself for thinking about "what if" we hadn't stayed together. Sure, I would have avoided this terrible pain... but I also wouldn't have my daughter. The sweet little girl that makes my life worth living. No matter what bad thing her father did, that doesn't change my love for her and how grateful I am to have her in my life. My father-in-law is always telling me how my baby brings joy and happiness to other just by existing. I wouldn't give her up for anything.

I hate that the happiness having a family has brought me is clouded by the aftermath of my H's affair. I blame him for the affair. I blame myself for allowing him to hurt me so badly...

emotionalgirl posted 8/24/2013 13:37 PM

I too have had those what if thoughts....when I look back now I see clues that show me who my WH really was/is and things that should have woken me up to leave the relationship enforce it went further. I was so young in love and thought I knew better so I ignored the niggling doubts. I have suspected other A in the past but have NEVER been able to prove, even with lots of snooping. I stumbled across the evidence of this EA by accident. My WH is also a functioning alcoholic so life has always had ups and downs. 1 yr turned to 2 then 10 and divorce is a word not in my vocabulary. Now those yrs have become 25 and although I still don't like the word divorce it is definitely in my vocabulary . Now I sit and wonder as the little fairy says I listen this time or let 25 yrs turn into 30, then 50.....

Wondering if I our life was always a mirage shimmery on the surface but when you look close there is nothing there of substance....💔

Still wearing my bitch boots and taking care of me!

simplydevastated posted 8/24/2013 13:52 PM

My husband's X Box is a slight trigger for me. Because I know he's "gaming" and chatting with other women. I can't stand that thing. Anyway...

I also have those thoughts. There's plenty of times I wish I hadn't married him, I wonder how my life would be right now. I remember how many times I wanted to break it off but never did. Then I think that if I had, if I left years ago I wouldn't have my babies.

During one fight shortly after my first D-day I told my husband that the only good thing to come out of our marriage was the kids.

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