Anyway, my WH was playing X-Box with his best friend last night before bed. No big deal. I want him to have friends (just not her) and spend time with them. But his game last night set off a chain reaction of thoughts that I wasn't expecting. Suddenly I was thinking back to a time - before we got married, or were even engaged - I was watching him play his X-Box. We were living together at his mom's, I think. And then it hit me... this was such a simpler time in both of our lives. If only a little fairy had come and sat onn my shoulder and whispered, "See this man? He's not who you think he is. Run. Run now, and run fast."
Does anybody else get these "what if" thoughts? If only I could have known back then the pain he would put me through, I could have called it quits before it ever even happened! It's so much easier to "break up" with a guy if it's just not working out than it is to divorce the man you love and leave your daughter with a broken family.
While I was locked in the bathroom crying last night, Garth Brooks' 'The Dance' played in my head briefly.... "I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." I'm not sure this applies to me - our marriage is still so young, I feel like there has been more pain than dance. I try to think of the good/ happy times we've had, but 1) I usually just end up in tears and 2) I can't get passed the feeling that they were all fake.
I hate to say it, but I think if I could go back and do it all over I'd politely remove myself from the relationship and move on. He'd just be a "guy I dated once" and not "the man who broke my heart."
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
At least 4 PAs and who knows how many on-line As later, I'm convinced that was God's voice I heard and I should have listened. I'm glad we're reconciling again now, but I would have preferred to have missed all the pain of the past few years.
I wish so many times that I could go back to some point in time and either be happy again or do something else entirely. I have even told my husband I was going to go back to my old life that I gave up to be with him and move on from their. But we both know that isn't going to be an option. In our case, I have been married to this person for more then half my life. There is wayyyyy to much good walk away from, even if right now this one very horrible and bad thing makes all that good seem wasteful. It makes me sick to know that life got in the way, that choices we both made set us on a path to this and that there were simple things that could have been done by both of us that would have ended in missing this nasty part of our journey, probably all together. This is where my sadness comes from. The knowing deep in my gut that we had the chance to not go down this path but not the skills to stop it from happening.
Do you still deeply love your hubby even after the mess he has caused? If you do, and you are able to get beyond this hell, you might be surprised that the rest of your marriage in the future is so different. The skills we are all forced to learn through this hellish process set us up to have a much better, more fulfilling marriage then wheat we could have ever had if the A had not happened. Just my communication skills alone have improved so much people outside of this mess have noticed how much better a person I have become.
If you can't get beyond the I wish we could go back feelings maybe you need to figure out what is missing in your R and ask for it......the worst that could happen is that he says no.....the best is that you could change your whole world for the better.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Do you still deeply love your hubby even after the mess he has caused?
Yes, I do. I hate myself for thinking about "what if" we hadn't stayed together. Sure, I would have avoided this terrible pain... but I also wouldn't have my daughter. The sweet little girl that makes my life worth living. No matter what bad thing her father did, that doesn't change my love for her and how grateful I am to have her in my life. My father-in-law is always telling me how my baby brings joy and happiness to other just by existing. I wouldn't give her up for anything.
I hate that the happiness having a family has brought me is clouded by the aftermath of my H's affair. I blame him for the affair. I blame myself for allowing him to hurt me so badly...
Wondering if I our life was always a mirage shimmery on the surface but when you look close there is nothing there of substance....💔
Still wearing my bitch boots and taking care of me!
I also have those thoughts. There's plenty of times I wish I hadn't married him, I wonder how my life would be right now. I remember how many times I wanted to break it off but never did. Then I think that if I had, if I left years ago I wouldn't have my babies.
During one fight shortly after my first D-day I told my husband that the only good thing to come out of our marriage was the kids.