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I just cant get over it

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Uhtred posted 8/24/2013 09:55 AM

Let me start by introducing myself. I'm 32 years old and my wife is 33 years old. I've known her since the fifth grade. We started officially dating when high school ended. We we're a match made in heaven. Everyone always thought we were perfect together.

We have two beautiful boys together one is 6 and the other 3. My wife almost finished her degree but put it on hold since she had gotten pregnant the first time. She chose to stay at home with our children. We discussed it and she wanted to stay with them until they both started school.

Fast forward to the present time and we've found ourselves in a situation as old as time itself. We're not rich by any means but we live very comfortable. I make a decent living and do a lot of side work for extra cash. My wife began going dancing with her mom and dad because they belong to a dance group (Two Step, Waltz, Polka) type dancing. She asked if I minded if she started going with them. I told her no problem because a few nights after work I teach Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Mixed Martial Arts and could not make the event. I get paid for teaching and have been training for the past 10 years. I figured what was the worst that could happen since she was with her mom and dad. I was so wrong for making this assumption.

Her mom and dad have a lot of friends that attend the functions as well. I've taken off to go as well but just not regularly. The wife had gained some weight with our second son but soon lost it just prior to wanting to go dancing with her parents. We hired a personal trainer for her and she did so good (the weight wasn't an issue to me). I have always been a romantic and given her praise and encouragement like a husband should do for his wife. To the point where my friends would make fun of the way I treated her. I call her sweetheart and my children also have called her sweetheart since the day they began speaking. That is her name to us. They do not call her mom, just Sweetheart.

Her mother and father are friends with a couple and We've known them very well for the past ten years. I always thought they were nice people. The husband dances with my wife occasionally, she tells me along with her dancing with her father and other older men in the group.

I begin to get suspicious of her behavior for about a year after the dancing shenanigans started. She is crying a lot more often than she used to, showing signs of depression etc etc.. always using her phone. FYI my wife had never dated or had sex with anyone prior to our marriage.

A year passes and DDay comes along April 29, 2013. We're laying on the couch together while the kids stayed the night at my in-laws. She flips her phone open for a moment and I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, she flips the phone upside down quickly. I lay there for a moment and then calmly ask her what it was and she said it was an spam email. I lay there getting more and more angry because my heart is breaking all at the same time. I demand the phone from her and find a years worth of texts, emails, and photographs. At first all I see is a few nude photos of her. She tried to take the phone from me and said " why can't you let me surprise you"? She was pretending that she was going to send those to me (she used to do this from time to time)a long time ago. I wasn't buying it so I began prying and found all of the evidence I needed to fit the crime. It is my in-law's good friend that she's having the affair with. He's 54 and married, I've sat and ate dinner with them on many occasions, even while this affair was taking place. The man has looked me square in the eye and shaken my hand. I was blindsided that it was him of all people. A man old enough to be her father and who had grandchildren the same age as our children.

I go into a rage and burn her wedding dress, all wedding photos, take her wedding ring and crush it with some pliers. AS you can tell I have a little temper problem. I texted the man from her phone and asked what him what he was doing. He replies back that he was at home and couldn't talk because his wife was nearby. I load the wife up in my truck and start making the trek to the man's house pistol in tote. My wife is hysterically apologizing to me for all of the pain she's caused but it's falling on deaf ears. I call my mother in law with whom I'm very close to because she has our kids staying with her and my father in law. I told her what was going on and she starts sobbing in disbelief. I asked her to keep the kids for a few extra days and not to tell her father until I get all of this figured out.

We finally make it to the man's house and my father in law is in the drive way drinking a beer with his "buddy". They see me hauling up the long winding road to his house and the man takes off running toward his house and my father in law is standing there dumbfounded. I pull up and get out and he says "what in the hell is going on" I get out and run the man down and tackle him.

I proceeded to beat this man within an inch of his life, he has a broken arm and ankle, multiple lacerations on his head from eating my elbows. I finally stop because my father in law grabbed me and said to stop or I was going to kill him and go to prison for manslaughter. I stopped for a moment and the man was writhing around on the ground in pain , probably from the broken bones. At one point he tries to get up and I give him an uppercut and his teeth bury into my knuckle. I've got blood pouring from my hand now. The man's wife comes outside while I'm way laying her husband and she knows instantly why I'm there and what this is about. I finally gain my composure and his wife is hugging me, sobbing, telling me this is the third time he has cheated on her. God was with me that day as no one called the law but he was taken to the hospital. I leave with my wife in tow even though I wanted to leave her with her father who is equally angry at her for what she has done to our family.

Fast forward a few weeks and my wife and I are trying to get all of this figured out. I develop a major infection from the cut in my finger. I finally go to the doctor and they send me to the hospital who in turn transferred me to Herman hospital downtown because the infection was so bad. They ended up removing my finger because I waited to long and the infection set into the bone. Now I'm left with a permanent reminder of the whole incident.

The wife and I are in counseling but I cannot seem to shake all the images and things that they were talking about via text and email. Things like how it would be great to start a new life over together and how perfect they were for each other. My wife claims that it was the attention he gave her that overwhelmed her and her need to feel desirable. No matter how many compliments I gave her she said it didn't do the same thing for her since she thought I had to say those things to her since I was her husband. Coming from someone else who didn't "owe" her anything meant so much more and it made her high so to speak. She has admitted to having some serious self esteem issues. I'm having a terrible time coping and trying to digest all of this. She has changed her number and gave me access to everything and shows genuine remorse or so I think but I can't seem to shake off the fact that she had sex with another man for a year behind my back while I was working so hard to maintain a comfortable lifestyle for my family and balance spending time with them as well. She claims if she could've gotten the attention without the sex that's what would've happened but yet their are emails and text messages from her to him of herself masturbating and saying she can't wait until they get to meet up. I'm so heartbroken and feel as if I'm the only person in this world that has been knocked down so low. I'm a fighter and have been knocked out a few times but this one has knocked me down for the count. Any help or words of encouragement are welcome. I know I'm not alone in this endeavor, that's why I'm hear. My condolences to all of the other broken hearted people trying to find the strength to continue on.

Uhtred posted 8/24/2013 10:09 AM

FYI: My wife is swearing that she has no feelings for this guy and has had a wake up call about her own issues in her life. She is constantly apologizing and seems to feel horrible for what she's done.
She said it was like she was caught in a trap and couldn't stop going back to it. I see several emails from them where they would stop and then start right back up again. During this year of the affair I spoke with my wife about her odd behavior and even cried that things were just not the same between us anymore. I find that after these conversations and emails were sent by me to her, she is planning get together time with this jerk. She new she was hurting me but still chose to continue. She would stop at times but then pick it back up again. It's almost as if it was an addiction for her to get this attention she was so desperately seeking. I'm so hurt, confused, and angry with her.

Williesmom posted 8/24/2013 10:18 AM


Welcome. That's quite a story. I think that you and your WW need Ic and MC. You need to talk about what happened.

I also think that hearing that she was his 3rd affair may have some impact on her current actions. I feel bad for his poor wife.

Uhtred posted 8/24/2013 10:23 AM

We are currently in marriage counseling at the moment but I feel as though we are just spinning the wheels. She is always positive and takes the blame for everything. I don't think she would ever do anything like this again but it's not what she going to do in the future that has me stuck it's what she did in the past that I cant seem to get over. What is IC?

Williesmom posted 8/24/2013 10:32 AM

Individual counseling.

AStar posted 8/24/2013 10:52 AM

Hi Uhtred.
Sorry that you find yourself here at SI , but you are in a safe place where people can relate.
Betrayal by your wife- someone who you love and build your world around hurts like hell. And it takes time to process what is happening to yourself and your relationship. Please see the Healing Library (yellow tab on the left) to find some resources which may help you as you start this journey.
If you two are in counselling your wife needs to cut all contact with this other man. I know you are saying that your wife says that she accepts responsibility for what has happened. Saying it and meaning it are two different things. Her words need to be followed up by actions that indicate this. The images and words that you experience are completely normal- they play over in your head as you can't reconcile the person that you love and trust with the person that betrayed you.
I know it hurts and I wish you strength as you embark on this difficult and life changing journey. Know that you have friends here at SI.

Uhtred posted 8/24/2013 10:58 AM

I appreciate the responses so far and am reading healing library as we speak. All communication has ceased between my wife and this man. She has a new phone number, I have access to everything now. This guy is still in physical therapy over what he did thanks to me. I'm not proud of it but I am (since I got away with it)I feel a camaraderie here that I haven't felt since DDay. Thanks for the support.

wifehad5 posted 8/24/2013 11:00 AM

It's one thing to take the blame for everything, it's another the find out why she did what she did. Liking the attention is just a surface level reason. She needs to find out why she let herself go there. Why she gave herself permission to cheat.

mike7 posted 8/24/2013 11:14 AM

uhtred, you need to find the Betrayed Men thread in the I can relate forum. Lots of guys in your position that know exactly what you are going through. Great bunch of guys holding it together.

chopper posted 8/24/2013 11:19 AM


I'm sorry you are here but glad you found us. IC is individual counseling, you both have issues that have to work individually as well. She has to work on her self esteem to ensure this doesn't happen again in the future and you have to work on the hurt and get to a point were you can truly forgive her and start again with both of you fully comited to the marrige. I'm sorry for your reminder which is a really harsh one.
There are a lot of very wise advice given here so keep posting. It gets a little slow on weekends but you'll still get some replies

solus sto posted 8/24/2013 11:42 AM

Wow. First, I got teary when I read that you and your kids both call your wife "Sweetheart." How adorable that they've heard this, and emulate you.

I'm very sorry for the betrayal you've experienced. It's horrendous, and I understand your pain.

I'm very concerned about the violence, though. You ARE very lucky that the police were not called. Are you in Houston (Hermann Hospital suggested that to me---ETA: I totally missed that Houston is in your signature. Sorry!)? If so, you benefit from the Texan "man needed beating" attitude. I'm not saying that's right; I'm saying that it saved your ass. Next time, it might not. I cared for many patients in the Texas Medical Center who were shackled to their beds, having been arrested for behavior like yours. You MUST get a handle on this so that your don't compound the injury to your family (and yourSELF, because let me tell you: you will struggle with your own response to infidelity as much as you struggle with the infidelity, IF NOT MORE. Allowing it to push you to behave in unacceptable ways injured not only the other guy, but you---your soul).

Please. You are in enormous pain, I know. But you need to rein in the anger. With professional help.

Counseling--individual---is a good idea for all of us, post d-day. It gives us better tools for coping with the pain.

It's important for the WS, as well.

I think I'd postpone marriage counseling until both of you have had some individual counseling.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:43 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

doggiemom12 posted 8/24/2013 12:06 PM

It is awful what your wife did.

Violence is never ok. I hope you do some really hard work on that. I am concerned that you have firearms.

Maybe this is a deal breaker for you. If so you should let it be that and separate for both your sakes.

A very hard situation. I hope you can find some peace.

OK now posted 8/24/2013 12:08 PM

Don't be fooled by your wife's remorse, its mainly directed at keeping her marriage intact and the family together. She enjoyed the sex and the attention; that is apparent from their e-mails.

One thing you do know, she has zero respect for you to cheat with no good reason except attention and excitement; she can't even give the excuse of being in love with the OM.

As wifehad5 said there is a deeper reason for her cheating and you really need to explore what the hell is and was going through her mind. As I said earlier she greatly values her marriage but you - apparently not.

Don't let this adultery be rugswept; let the family know and banish her to the spare bedroom. She has to earn her way back into your affections; spouting tearful apologies won't do it. Your WW hopes to short circuit the healing process with plenty of sex and agonizing recriminations. Make it a lot more difficult than that.

Uhtred posted 8/24/2013 12:11 PM

Solus Sto,

I've never been abusive or one to get into fights. I have plenty of mat time and usually have the discipline of a Saint. This is the one thing that I can honestly say that caused me to snap. I'm over it now and do not feel the need to have a physical confrontation. I can honestly say that it was a moment of temporary insanity. I do know that I'm lucky, my family and friends cannot believe how lucky I am. The only thing I got out of the deal is a missing digit. I feel it was well worth all that I've been through.

I am a man and will not tolerate another man to get away with he has done. I am civilized but under that civilization lies a savage, it's in each and everyone of us. Yes I'm a responsible gun owner and have been for years. I enjoy hunting, fishing and the outdoors. I also enjoy personal protection. I'm licensed to carry a firearm and have never once pulled it on anyone. It goes with me everywhere I go just in case.

[This message edited by Uhtred at 12:16 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/24/2013 12:21 PM

I agree that the two of you need to put MC to the side for a while and concentrate on each getting IC. I'm so sorry you had to come here, but glad that you found this place.

Alexa posted 8/24/2013 12:54 PM

My WH feels like he is caught up in a web and can't get out too so he says. I'm not sure if I believe him. I think he chooses to keep us both on the hook for now until he can get his feelings In check. He says he wants to stay married but he keeps swinging back and forth from me to her like a pendulum. It is good that your wife has changed her number and is open with all her communication devices. Maybe she truly has changed her ways. You need to find out through counseling what brought her to that point so you can move forward. I highly recommend IC for you. If you intend to stay together you need to put the past in the past. I struggle with it myself. If she was home those years your children were young, boredom does set in especially if you were our working a lot. I know because it happened to me but I did not go out looking for attention outside my marriage. Yes I did flirt with other guys and talk to them but that was all. Most of them are friends of ours and it was all just fun and innocent and out in the open. It does feels good to get that from someone other than your husband but it doesn't mean you act on it. Maybe you complimented her too much and it felt fake to her. Who knows what went through her mind but whatever it was, she seems remorseful now from what you say. I dont know how long you have been married but you say your oldest is 6 and that 7 year itch thing was true for me and also the 50 year midlife crisis. It is all too fresh right now but you will heal in time. Find a good counselor that can get you both through this difficult time. You'll feel better talking to a neutral party. Keep posting and reading about the rest of us. I find that it has helped me. You are not alone in this.

hotcoffee posted 8/24/2013 13:08 PM

Really? You lost a finger and your FIL stopped you from killing a man? Your loved ones think you are lucky not to be in jail. You think it's a good idea for you to have guns at this time? Yes you are lucky. Yes betrayal sucks. But I question your judgment. Not abt the cheating, abt the anger. Please get some objective counseling for yourself.

Uhtred posted 8/24/2013 14:04 PM

Hot Coffee,

Of course I used poor judgment that is uncharacteristic of myself. Have you ever seen a picture of another man fucking your wife? I snapped. This is not uncommon. For the record my FIL kicked his former friend in the gut after I was finished for wrecking my life, his daughters life, and his grand children's life. Don't pass judgment until you've walked a mile in my shoes. Guns aside, I own many and have no intent to use except in self defense. It goes with me everywhere I go no matter what. I'm a law abiding citizen and this is the first time I've ever done this outside of a ring. My wife also carries. I'm not picking a fight with you or anyone else. I know that my judgment was clouded but even with that being said no gun was pulled. Only country justice. I just contacted our marriage counselor and he is willing to see me tomorrow afternoon for IC. I'm trying to get the help I need.

[This message edited by Uhtred at 2:06 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

hotcoffee posted 8/24/2013 14:28 PM

Uhtred, you have my respect for coming here and telling your story openly and honestly. You also have my sympathy for the place your wife has put you in. My point is the reaction you had, as understandable as it is, was not justified. You and the OM have both now paid dearly for it. You seem to think it's okay cuz you didn't shoot him. I'm on your side. But I want you to see that what you did was wrong. It is right there in your first post but you don't seem to understand it. This is not a cultural thing, it's right and wrong.

That being said, I understand your pain, your anger, your frustration. I don't think you are a bad man. I think you made a mistake and I'm trying to help you see that.

Uhtred posted 8/24/2013 14:43 PM

There is something I've left out that is a very key point in my rage against this man. I have all of the texts, pictures, and emails between him and her. There is one in particular that he says "what do you think would happen if your husband finds out"? She responds with exactly what I did and the guy starts acting all chivalrous like he would defend my wife's Not intact honor" and put me in my place. That and so many other conversations and pictures led me to do what I did. Right or wrong, what's done is done. I do believe I did what any BS would want to do if given the opportunity. the opportunity was there and I took advantage of it. I'm not justifying it but in my mind I had righteous anger. I will not change that view.

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