Married 21 years at time of his 1st affair
2 kids, 19 and 17
I too wanted to know all the details...there weren't so many, since it was a short EA, with them falling in luuurve and wanting to get M. 10 years of details would probably have probably been a dealbreaker for me.
It is good that you are not desperate to keep the M. You can take care of yourself as you figure out if the 10 years of A's are a deal breaker for you.
We are all here to listen. We've been there too, though our stories are not exactly the same, the feelings seem to be.
What does not being able to handle the truth look like? You sticking your fingers in your ears & loudly shouting "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA"? Having a breakdown & needing to be put into a padded room? What? Or do you have some silly notion that you should be capable of hearing that the scope of his betrayal goes back over a decade and you shouldn't even bat an eye, you should just perhaps arch an eyebrow and murmur, "That's nice, Dear"?
I'm challenging you because I want you to reframe how you see yourself. Clearly you CAN handle the truth. You've heard the news and not spontaneously combusted. You've been able to take care of your bodily functions on your own. You were able to log on to your computer, come here and articulate your thoughts. This is what handling the truth looks like. You're pissed off. You're stunned. You're conflicted. This is how normal people handle the truth.
Life is messy. Handling the truth is messy. You're doing a fine job.
And each and every discovery was another stab wound to me. I have literally walked through my house screaming at the top of my lungs at God that I couldn't take one more damned thing. Just take me now. Because it threw into doubt my entire married life with him.
Look. Better in than out. Now is the time to find out everything. Because you don't want to go through this type of agony again a year from now, two years from now, five years from now. Get it all out. Get it all over. It's horrible, it hurts, and it is NOT fair. But get to the bottom of this wound now so that you don't have to deal with it festering up again. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I call this the "gathering information" stage and definitely part of it is being here and listening to what others are saying.
The other parts involve finding out what you can, and looking within yourself to understand if what you know is a dealbreaker.
I do get that at a certain point you may decide what you DO KNOW is a dealbreaker and that you will exit the marriage without any more information about the affair(s).
That is also OK.
But remember that to heal from any of this, some people have to know exactly what "it" is that you're healing from.
Moving forward, even if forward is divorce, you may still wonder if you have/had the whole story.
In the end, most people can only clean the wound by digging into it and getting out all the poison.
It's a horrific feeling knowing that someone you loved, trusted with your life and heart, has done this to you when-no matter the situation-no one deserves it.
Know in your heart that it was nothing you did or did not do, it was not about who you are, or are not.
It is about THEM. What they can't handle, what they can't provide and what they can't understand.
You're stronger than you think you are-we all are.
You are absolutely right. I am handling it I suppose. Just having a difficult time processing it. Who wouldn't, right? Thank you for the post. It actually made me laugh. Something I needed.
If you heard the truth and lived to tell your story.....then you clearly are handling the truth.
You are experiencing what each of us here has experienced. I say this not to make less of your situation but to affirm with you that you are not alone.
I was in a similar situation less than a year ago. DDay#1 I found out about OM#2. Not only did my WW not tell me about the OM#1, OM#3, OM#4, or OM#5 when I asked her....she didn't even divulge the information when we started MC and the counselor told her to answer truthfully any and all questions that I have.
It wasn't until a friend who learned of her affair told her to come completely clean with me, that she finally came out with all the gory details of the other men and when it had started. By the way, the friend who learned of the affair didn't even know about the other 4men.
I will be completely honest with you......when the news of the other 4men came to light, I was on the verge of calling it quits and filing for divorce. But I stuck it out and decided to move forward with R. Even after DDay#2 and DDay#3.
You will make it through this. You are still breathing and your heart is still beating, which means you will survive.