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It Seems To Me The A's are Pretty Much All The Same

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Butterfly24 posted 8/24/2013 15:48 PM

I have been on this site since April, when I found out of wh's A, it was with a prostitute from CL.

I have read posts, profiles and responses to posts. I can not believe how even though the circumstances are different. Whether it was a long term A, a ONS, an online A, an A with a prostitute, a PA, an EA, or whatever, they are all the same.

If the WS wants to reconcile, they all have pretty much the same story. They are sorry, the BS means everything to them, they don't want to lose the bs or the kids, or the lives they have, their M are the most important thing to them, blah, blah ,blah.

They will go to MC, IC, even SA counseling, because they must be sex addicts if they were willing to cheat, I do not believe in sex addiction, but to each his own. If any one could be considered a sex addict, my wh could, but I won't tell that story here, it's not mine to tell, who knows, maybe one day I will be so pissed at wh and so done with him, I will tell, but I hope I never sink that low, lol.

All I know is this, we as bs's can't all be that bad that we drove the ws to have an A. I know that all of them don't say that, mine didn't, but that's the way it seems. The ws's life was so bad that they needed someone to make them feel good about them self, some one to look up to them so they could be a hero, some one they could save, or in my case and the many others like mine where prostitutes were involved, they needed something for them selves. Something to make them feel powerful and in control.

Why can't I read on here that one man or one woman who had an A just tell the freakin truth and say, I had an A because I am a selfish person that thinks I can do what I want, when I want, to whom ever I want BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER FIND OUT.

Just the truth as I see it.

musiclovingmom posted 8/24/2013 15:52 PM

I had an A because I am a selfish person that thinks I can do what I want, when I want, to whom ever I want BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER FIND OUT.

This is actually exactly what my H said when I found out and asked him why.

Butterfly24 posted 8/24/2013 15:56 PM

Thank you musiclovingmom, I think you made my day.

Lionne posted 8/24/2013 15:57 PM

Butterfly.... Sounds like you are having a really rough time. There are actually many WSs who do say exactly what you said. Maybe not initially, initially they are full of crap and vinegar. But when they get it, they get it. And you are oh so right, that is precisely the reason they cheat.
Hang in there. You will get through this.

salsagrl posted 8/24/2013 16:00 PM

I had an A because I am a selfish person that thinks I can do what I want, when I want, to whom ever I want BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER FIND OUT.

After many TT days.... This is what my husband finally confessed.... Sorry to hear you are going through this as well

Butterfly24 posted 8/24/2013 16:08 PM

My ws pretty much said the same things AFTER I found out. It's not like he just came up to me one day and said these things, so it's not the same .

I mean from the very beginning, no trying to rationalize and explain it away. I read these stories here and I feel so badly for everyone, but more so than others. It seems some bs's try so hard to believe what the ws is telling them and even when they post and other's tell them, it probably isn't what it seems to be, they defend the ws and cling to the hope that they are telling the truth.

I suppose I did the same thing, but I do not believe my ws, I doubt I ever will. I even asked about taking a poly and the MC told me he wasn't a criminal and that those were used for criminals. She also wanted to know if I planned to use it against him in court, to which I replied you can't use the results in court, at least not in the state we live in, but I wanted him to take one any way.

1devastedmom posted 8/24/2013 16:39 PM

Butterfly that's pretty much exactly what my WS told me, so believe me you're not alone. I don't believe for one minute that he's a SA. He was just a selfish prick who did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/24/2013 16:45 PM

I had an A because I am a selfish person that thinks I can do what I want, when I want, to whom ever I want.

For me, it was just the above. Which is a pretty darn good example of how a narcissist thinks..

doesitgetbetter posted 8/24/2013 17:26 PM

Unfortunately, it's not a one size fits all. That ISN'T the reason that every WS strays. It's simply not. There are many broken WS's on here, many broken BS's on here, and many broken madhatter's on here. They all have their issues, and they all have their inappropriate coping methods. The majority of people who cheat and post on here about it are from that group... the inappropriate coping method group. The ones who are just truly selfish people like you mention, they likely still don't care about their M anymore than they did while cheating, so they likely don't post.

Generalizations really don't work in life, nor on an infidelity website. While it helps some to just hang on to the fact that their WS was "just selfish", others aren't satisfied with that and want to get to the root and help the WS work through their issue. I would guess that if they truly do come to realize that there isn't another reason for their WS other than just pure selfishness, then they have to ask themselves if they want to stay with such a selfish person that they would risk the BS's life just because they wanted to.

Ashland13 posted 8/24/2013 19:01 PM

That's kind of what Perv said.

He told me and others, "Oh, it was only going to be a fling, but it didn't end."

Lionne posted 8/26/2013 23:21 PM

@doesitgetbetter...I am going to respectfully disagree. CHEATING is inherently selfish. Now, there may be many reasons for unhappiness and discontent in marriages, but an unselfish, mature person will deal with that appropriately, NOT go off looking for a piece of assfirmation on the side. To label someone as selfish who thinks of only themselves when they have previously made a vow, a promise to be loving and faithful to one person may be a bit simplistic, but when it comes down to basics, cheaters aren't thinking of anyone else.

Lionne posted 8/26/2013 23:21 PM

Double post....sorry, new tablet!

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:22 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 8/27/2013 00:29 AM

I had an A because I am a selfish person that thinks I can do what I want, when I want, to whom ever I want BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER FIND OUT

This is basically what my WH said on Dday.

LivinginLimbo posted 8/27/2013 06:59 AM

It took 8 months for my FWH to break down and say "I did it because I wanted to. I did it because I'm selfish."

Really??!! No shit. Now tell me something I didn't know.

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